......or am I really a "SOFT TOUCH"!!!!

[Melscorp]

Where do I start.....Well, my DH is upset with my friend. I had asked her if I could stay with her as my DH was due to take his Mum back to her country. She had said that it would be no problem, except that on Mondays she looked after a little boy for half day, but would ask the parents if she could take my DD with her. Said it would be good for the little boy. She also said the only other thing is that the social worker was due to drop in to see her (she is planning to foster), but it would be good for the social worker to see her looking after my little girl. She said she would take my DD every morning for a walk when she had to take her DD to school and every evening when she had to pick her up (Her DD is 12). She asked me if I would mind and I was so relieved I started to cry. See I am still convalescing from my operation and was so happy.

Anyway, I kept trying to phone her after that and couldn't get hold of her. Then the following Thursday (a whole week later. I had spoken to her on the previous Friday) I managed to get hold of her. She told me that she would have to ring me back as the social worker was there.

I didn't want to pester her so the following Tuesday I started phoning her again. Managed to get hold of her on the Wednesday (or Thursday) only to be told she could not do it as she had made plans and her daughter had a friend coming over to stay until the Sunday night.

When I asked her if she had asked the little boy's Mum if my DD could go with her, she said she hadn't known what was going on and so hadn't. I said, "But last time we spoke you said you would.". "Yes, but I wasn't sure." was her response. I asked her if she could at least check in on me if I couldn't stay with her and she said she was busy until Monday night around 6.30/7.30 as her DD had girl guides. I didn't know what to say. Earlier on in the same conversation she had said she had felt so sorry for my DD as she was trapped in the house all day and she would have loved to come and take her for a walk.

Anyway, she ended the conversation saying hse had to go as she had to brush her DD's hair.

I had even told her that we hadn't booked DH ticket until I had spoken to her last time and she has said it would be ok and now we would lose the money etc.

I had told her that I would pay to stay with her for the 10 days and in addition either DH would do a food shop or pay her for food.

DH made a point of saying he didn't want to see her in our home.

I had hoped he would have calmed down by now (this all happened last week).

She called lastnight and left a message saying she wondered how I was and I would call her today after midday as she had to take her cat to the vet.

The thing is today is her birthday and YES I did buy her something. DH told me not to give it to her and he is sure she is only ringing because her birthday is today!!! He said it is NOT the first time she has let me down and I don't learn!!!!

I don't know what to do!!!!

What operation did you have? I think 10 days is a long time to expect to stay with a friend to be honest, especially if you need 'looking after.' You do come across as being a bit needy, sorry.

Why doesn't your DH want her in your home? Just because she let you down, or he didn't want her there anyway.

I feel like I am missing half the story here, sorry.

Is there any reason why dh's mum couldnt travel alone? Your need for him seems to be greater than hers at the moment. Well thats the impression from your post.

Melscrop why don't you link to your other thread for back ground.

I think your DH is still (justifiably) annoyed that this "friend" let you down after agreeing to help. He has lost alot of money on her account ( she agreed before you went ahead).

Personally I would play cool for a while before deciding whether i wanted friends that let me down when I was really in need. (oh and it may be petty but I wouldn't be exchanging gifts, a simple card / happy birthday should suffice!)

On eother thing I would let her do the running for a while, let her contact you see how much she really does value the friendship

Hi Melscorp. Ad Doris said, I think a link to your previous thread might show why you're sounding 'needy' and explain the background a bit. I was shocked at your friend's about turn but if you are willing to let things pass and patch things up with her then I applaud you and think you should. I would also try and find a way of mentioning how her actions affected you, and trying to understand her POV. But that's only if I valued her friendship in the first place.

You sound a very nice and forgiving person. Your DH is still angry but it was only last week so give him time. Is he still being a bit funny with you? Hope he doesn't blame you for this fiasco, he needed to be there for you when you needed him and I'm glad he was in the end.

How are you feeling by the way?

DorisIsAPinkDragon , I am sorry to appear so THICK , but I am still relatively new and do not know how to link my previous post!! Would you please help!!

link here

i think your dh is being unreasonable. (just read other thread)
And now he wants someone to blame for his unreasonableness

I think your friend has been very unfair to you. I wouldn't call back for a few days if were you and say you were busy. IMO she really messed you about (saw your other thread). Yes, staying with her for 10 days is a big thing but she shouldn't have agreed to the plan if it was difficult and her reasons for the change of plan were very feeble. She sounds unreliable.

So has she phoned again yet? It's after mid-day and she's waiting for her present. I can hear her tapping her fingers...

Leave her be. She can wait.

Wizzska I am so HAPPY to see you on this thread too. You were so NICE on my other thread!!! I thought about contacting you, but couldn;t find away. How do you post a link?

DorisIsA PinkDragon, it is so nice to see someone from my previous thread!! Thanks for the support yet again.

DH has calmed down with me. He is back to his lovely self. You were so RIGHT!!! I am feeling a bit better. It is just DD and myself during the day. DH helps when he gets home from work. DH does not blame me for the fiasco!!! He is extremely cross with my friend and my family (but that is another thread!!)

DH is upset because he over heard me telling someone how I ran up such a HIGH credit card bill (which he paid off when he met me). I use to spend all my money on my friend as she didn't have a husband and the father of her children didn't contribute a penny. I was single and loved children and would always buy things, especially for her and her little girl. Then in December 2008 DH went to his GP and was told to go directly to the hospital as he should be in a coma because of his sugar levels. I couldn't go with him, as I had no one to look after DD. This was 10 a.m. After he left I called my friend and was crying. She told me to bring DD and she would look after her. I told her I would wait to hear from DH. He called at noon and told me that he had been admitted. I called my friend and told her I needed to pick up a few things and would bring DD over at about 2 p.m.

I got to the hospital and they had DH on a drip. Now DH has the physique of an athlete so it was all a BIG SHOCK!!

That evening I returned to my friend's house. I told her they were going to keep DH until possibly Sunday. She said it would not be a problem and I could leave DD at her house. That I should bring her at 2 p.m.

Got to her house at 2 p.m. No one was there. Phoned her on the mobile and she was still shopping half an hour away and would call me when she got home.

She got her DD to call me when they got home. I took my DD over. When I went to collect her at just after 6 p.m. I noticed that my friend did not look happy. I asked her what was wrong and she said she was worried as her DD didn't get to do her homework. I decided I would ring DH and tell him I couldn't visit him on the Sunday. I thanked my friend and told her I really appreciated her looking after my daughter.

She wouldn't accept money for looking after my DD so I bought her DD a coat (that her daughter chose). We don't have money, but DH is very funny about certain things and told me to make sure and buy either my friend or daughter something good.

You see normally DH wouldn't have let this bother him, but the previous year things had been really tight financially with us and my friend had managed to get the government to pay for some work on her house. She told us about it and as DH works in the building trade he told her he to get two quotes and show them to him and he would make sure and quote below so that he would win the contracts from the government. In a nutshell she agreed, but when it came to it she told me she hadn't received the quotes from the other tradesmen, but she would submit my DH. It was weird, but one day I was in her house and she told me to stay in the sitting room and she shut the door. I had to use the loo and so went upstairs to use it. When I came back down the gentleman who was with her said "Hello love. Where have you been hiding?". I then overheard him tell her to add this piece of paper to the other quote.

DH came to pick me up and asked her again to see the quotes, she said she couldn't do that, but the tradesmen she had didn't like plastering and climbing heights, so could he please do that for her instead.

DH was upset. He told me then she was no friend of mine as she knew our financial predicament. It wasn't as if he was asking her to cheat. He just wanted to underquote. Besides, the government would be paying directly.

I ignored him then and did not stop speaking to her.

There are a number of other incidents, but these are the most prominent at the moment (As DH mentioned them lastnight).

Sorry about the length!!

I've just read your other thread and agree with Troutpout. Your friend was unfair in letting you down in the way she did but essentially I think your dh is looking for someone to blame for his own unreasonableness. He should never have put you in the position of having to ask your friend in the first place.

DH has repeatedly said he wouldn't have minded if my friend had sais she couldn't do it, but then he wouldn't have booked the ticket.

He said he could understand if her house was small, but she has a double-fronted five bedroom house. He said her excuse is lame when it comes to it.

He did some painting for her free of charge. Took her out for dinner etc (with us), but when jobs were scarce (He was self-employed) and she could have helped, she didn't.

He said I spent his hard earned money on an expensive watch for her daughter for Christmas and when I need her she always letting me down. He said I buy things for them that I think twice about buying for myself.

Although I have curbed my spending alot since my DD was born, I still do birthdays, Christmas etc.

Geepers and Puddingchops, sorry that I didn't explain myself properly.

Melscorp, I must agree with Doris and Wizzska. It doesn't seem she's being a good friend and you're being tooooo forgiving (taking into account all the background events). You don't have to be mean or anything, but maybe you need to let her cool off and take a little distance from her, to be honest.
She doesn't have to say yes to anything you ask, but if she does, then it's fair to expect her to keep her word... specially when there haven't been any "acts of God or force majeure" in the middle for her to just brush you off...
I second the "exchange gift for card" suggestion and the "don't call her, let her call you" one as well.
And please, don't feel guilty of anything as you've done nothing wrong (and are recovering from surgery!)

Good luck - sounds like a tricky situation.

Personally, as others have said, I would back off and wait for her to get in touch. She seems keen to help and maybe she has trouble saying no so then takes on too much? Doesn't excuse not getting back to you though.

Definitely cut the gifts. You can say thanks in other ways: take her DD to the park, invite them around for tea etc. Your DD could also make cards.

I guess you are simply generous but also maybe a bit too reliant on your friend. Take a break from asking or accepting her help and start enjoying doing stuff together with your DDs.

Hope everything works out and that you make a speedy recovery.

Actually I agree with your husband, your friend sounds very manipulative, greedy and disengenious. She let you down, clearly was avoiding you and has taken advantage of your and your dh's generous natures.
I would get shot of a friend like that.

Melscorp
It tells you how to do links on bottom of the page near the smileys.

As for your friend, no need to fall out, but I would keep things a bit neutral for a while. Don't owe her any favours and try not to do any for her.

How did your MIL get on? Journey ok?

Thanks Naat and PurpleCrazyHorse. The thing is I didn't ask her to help me when DH was admitted. She offered and DH told me to make sure and compensate her so we won't be obligated to her (Which isn't hard as I do love buying thigs for people!!!)

I took everyone's advice and did not contact her. She hasn't phoned me back. I feel a bit guilty as it was her birthday yesterday and I do have a present for her sitting in my cupboard.

BouncingTurtle that is what DH keeps telling me. He said it is better to have no friends at all than to have friends like her. The thing is I met her when her daughter was 15 months and now her daughter is 12 going on 13. I was around her daughter all those years and have a great love for her. She is such a lovely child and it has HURT me to see her father does not give a damn about her. When she was younger she use to come and spend weekends at my house so her Mum would get a break. I felt sorry for my friend too. I know what you and DH are saying has some truth in it and I tried to walk away from our friendship before, but then I bumped into my friend and her daughter and my heart melted!! Thing is my DD loved my friend and her DD too. DH told me to join some groups and expose my DD to more people so she will make more friends etc.

Wizzska!! Sorry for being so THICK!!

My MIL was fine. DH introduced her to some people who were checking and asked them to look out for her. I haven't spoken to her, but DH said the last thing she said to him was to bring me for a holiday.

I know it sounds strange, but I did sort of miss her not being here the day she left, but now I am back to normal. Thanks for asking.

I think, and I may be wrong, but going on what you have said, it comes across like your friend doesn't actually want to help you, but can't say so. It sounds like she resents it when she helps you - being annoyed when she looked after your daughter, the comments about the homework, avoiding committing to helping you, excuses...

I think that you should not ask her for any more help - in anything. I also think you should not buy her any more stuff.

Very wise words, DL.

Oh...DandyLioness he has felt my wrath!!! Don't you worry!!! He had everything thrown at him. I told him to go back to work as I want him to take time off when I have recovered for us to spend some time with DD.

I have been speaking to my cousin's wife about this situation and she said her husband (My cousin) always says I am a "MUG" when it comes to my friend and she hopes I have learnt my lesson and now I can make space for a new "friend".

She reminded me of all the things I have done for my friend and said she thinks it has always been a one way street, but thinks I need to wake up. She said the last time they thought I had learnt my lesson!!!

I guess that told me!!!!!

Hi Melscorp,
Hope you're feeling strong with all the advice both here and in RL, as you just mentioned.
I also hope you're doing great with your recovery.

Hi Naat!! Do you want to be my NEW FRIEND???

I am feeling better, Thanks!!!

Yeah, the advice is good. Sometimes you need someone from outside the situation to shine a light on the situation.

How are things with you?

Hi Mel!! I sure do! haha. So glad you're feeling much better and that all the advice has come in handy. Glad to be part of the support.
Things are fine, studying some French at the moment hahaha... And tomorrow 25wks pregnant .
Keep us posted on how things go, and if you feel lonely or like talking, send a message

Naat, you are really sweet!!

CONGRATULATIONS on the pregnancy!!! I am so HAPPY for you"!!!!!!!!!!!

How come you are studying French?

I would love to send a message, but don't know how to. I am relatively new to the site and am still finding my wy around.

Please feel free to contact me.