To want DP to snap out of oblivion and help in the house AAAGH

[Writergirl]

I am going insane with the lack of help I receive from DP.

He co-runs his own small business and is often out at 8 and home at 8

I work as a freelance 60% and look after our 2 children. I?ll be doing 80% work from next week, 20% day with the kids.

I (unspoken arrangement) organize my time so I can pick up kids from childminders, do the food shopping etc. This means that I?ll catch up on work in the evenings.

But I also seem to be doing EVERYTHING! I cook every night. I then clean it up and load dishwasher, clean kitchen. I do all the washing, putting away and ironing. I do all the kids (and his) tidying, bin emptying etc. I do all the admin and physically take time out of my day to trek and pay bills in local post office (we live rurally).

I know my DP obviously has a long working day ?out of the house? but is it not fair to expect him to do a little bit at home?

We also have a 6 mth baby who I am still breastfeeding and expressing and waking up with in the night.

I am feeling horribly resentful and don?t know how to ask him for more help.

YABU if you think he knows you need help without asking....he's a MAN, they need instructions, guidance and (most importantly) lists!

YANBU expecting him to help though.

agree with mylife, you need to spell out to him what you want him to do. You should be able to split household stuff 50/50 at least, eg you cook dinner, he cleans up afterwards.

Expecting him to snap out of oblivion is unreasonable. If he is in oblivion it means he doesn't see the problem. If you want him to do stuff just ask him and tell him how you feel. He's not a mind reader. Feeling horrible resentful when you haven't asked him to do more is silly. If you ask him and he refuses then he's being unreasonable, but most of us are too caught up in our own worlds to notice problems in other people's even spouses unless they are pointed out.
8 til 8 is a long day. He's probably just not noticing your day is longer if less intensive.

You have to sit him down and discuss the household tasks that need doing, and divide them up between you. Perhaps he could do the food shopping online, do bill payments, and other things that can be done from work, and then washup/do dishwasher each night. Then at the weekends have a couple of hours each of protected cleaning time to do your tasks.

A task list really does help as men generally don't just think about what has to happen if it is all being done for them iyswim. Given a list of things to do, they will quite happily get on and do them

Have you asked him to help more, told him how you feel?

Maybe you could draw up a rota and present it to him? it may be that he doesnt know where to start, and a point in the right direction (rota) might kick him into gear

Its a weird thing, men and house work, child care, anything that involves them thinking of someone else but them selves.

It wont change, there are the type that do or the type tthat dont, my dp doesnt, we both work same, money hours all the same, except I do everything and he does nothing.

There are a few men, (I have heard mention, although it may be an urban myth)tthat help, but not enough to make a difference, it goes bcak to the way they were brought up Im sure.

People all notice different things that need doing - it's not just men. DH doesn't notice cleaning in the house that needs doing, just as I don't notice fence panels in the garden that need repairing or gaps in doorframes that end up really bugging DH. He fixes things like that because he notices them and they annoy him, whereas I honestly don't notice them until he points them out and then they don't bother me. He really doesn't mind though if I ask him to do something around the house though, but I usually have to be specific.

it's very defeatist to say it won't change. If OP's DH wants to live in harmony with his family it sounds like it had better change.

yes woman always seem to end up doing more, but there's no reason Hs can't load the dishwasher, wipe everything down after meals, etc.

he may not even realise how much you are doing for him. leave him to do his own ironing and he will quickly see.

YANBU if you expect him to help, but you will need to talk to him about it. Unspoken agreements generally mean that people understand different things by them ime.

In terms of bill paying - could you get direct debits set up for some or all of these? I know not everybody likes them, but some places give you a discount for paying by DD, and nobody has to trek to the post office every month. I love them, but then you have to queue out the door at the post offices around our way.

Work out all the chores that need to be done, how much time they take, etc, then work out a way of dividing the list so you both get the same amount of free time. Then sit him down and say, nicely, look there are 2 adults in this house so we need to share the chores fairly. This seems fair to me, what do you think? (oh, and be prepared to concede a little bit here and there ie swapping jobs from one list to another if there's something on his list he really hates.)
But the emphasis is on you both having equal amounts of chore-free time, which is the fairest and most reasonable way to look at it and avoids the 'But I earn more of the money therefore you must service me' line of argument.

Agree re the post office. We pay all bills online or by dd now, same with tax discs for the car. Visits to the post office are for posting parcels etc only.

2rebecca - you can even buy the postage for your parcels online and print it at home, so long as you have the means to weigh them. Then you just walk past the long queue and deposit your pre-postage applied parcel in the bag/window thing. You take your life in your hands doing this at Christmas of course!

So Post Office is only for those annoying mail order returns that insist on proof of postage .