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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be furious at my friend

43 replies

PippaP · 24/02/2009 20:08

My friend has a 9 week old daughter and she insists on my DD (2 years) washing her hands before coming near her. And today told her - after she had made her wash her hands - that she could only look at her baby and not touch. This is because my daughter has a "cold" - she has a slight runny nose that most 2 year olds seem to have almost constantly.

OP posts:

Fireflyer · 24/02/2009 20:46

Please see previous message - she came to my house and saw my daughter earlier today so SHE CHOSE TO COME TO MY HOUSE knowing my daughter had a slight runny nose, certainly not a cold

But thanks I am feeling less furious now

Turniphead1 · 24/02/2009 20:49

I feel like this a bit about my baby (8 weeks old) - and my third. The way I look at it, I am the one who will be up all night trying to feed her when her nose is all blocked ...
I get my own kids and DH to wash their hands when coming in from school/work.

I took great exception to the arsey GP who told me when she was 2 weeks old (and I stood in the garden at the GPs rather than wait in the waiting room with the flu-ridden patients) that the waiting room in a GP surgery in winter was "the best place for her". WTF??

YABU

spicemonster · 24/02/2009 20:50

Have you got two names?

I find my DS near small babies very alarming - I know how grubby his hands are and how he sometimes likes to pinch. It's usually me saying 'no don't touch!' not the mothers of the pfbs!

wotulookinat · 24/02/2009 21:01

I would be a bit offended too. Tell her you won't see her until the cold has cleared up.

OatcakeCravings · 24/02/2009 21:26

Hmmm....

I was a bit like this with mine to be honest. But in my defense he was premature and we'd got used to scrubbing our hands before touching him in the neonatal unit. Saying that once he was about 5-6 weeks old ie when he should have been born we stopped being so fastidious but even then I would expect a toddler to wash their hands before handling a baby.

ChippingIn · 24/02/2009 21:47

I think she's being very PFB about it. She came to your house, she knows you have a toddler and she should know that toddlers (generally) like to touch babies... I'd probably be a bit at her still wanting everyones hands washed before touching the baby, but would just go with it, but not wanting your little one to touch her after she'd washed her hands, I'd be annoyed too... but I'd put it down to PFBness and remind her of it constantly when she has DC2!!

saladodger · 24/02/2009 21:57

My friends were always over with their toddlers when my DD was newborn, holding her and I wouldn't have dreamt of washing their hands. What do people with lots of other children do, put the newborn in a frigging isolation chamber? No, of course they don't! it is recognised that the increase in childhood acute lymphoblastic leukaemia is in part due to delayed exposure to childhood infections and a few germs (while a nuisance in the short term) are important in the long.

arcticwind · 24/02/2009 23:06

If she came to your house then she should not try and inflcit her rules on you - she made the choice and 'demanded' pancakes to boot

I tend to agree with the other posters who suggest she may be a little stressed now - maybe you can talk to her (wihtout your dd around ) and see if you can help?

Bellebelle · 24/02/2009 23:51

Totally understand why your friend has upset you but I think that when any friends have 1st NB that you just have to bite your tongue and wait for them to come through the early months. I'm sure that when she has DC2 she'll laugh about how precious she was about DC1. If she's a good friend then you would do well to be patient with her, it's not until you've had a child for a while that you come to realise that they are always coming down with some bug or other.

Also might be a point to watch her for Pnd - became apparent that my friend had pnd when she became convinced that her DS (2mo) was going to die from a cold he had. Luckily GP picked up on it and she got help.

steviesgirl · 25/02/2009 14:26

I agree with saladodger, exposure to some germs means you are building up immunity. A completely sterile environment will not help a baby in the long run.

Yes wash hands when near a newborn, but for your friend not to let your dd touch her baby is OTT. What about when she has another child? Will her toddler be banned from touching the baby? Probably not and she would have a job to stop it anyway.

Nabster · 25/02/2009 14:28

YABU

Her baby, her choice. Your friend?

OrmIrian · 25/02/2009 14:41

She is being precious.

Have to confess that I was always deligthed when anyone wanted to cuddle my nb. And IME so are most mothers.

But don't be furious. Roll your eyes metaphorically and let it go.

sargent1976 · 25/02/2009 20:17

I can understand you being annoyed. I can only assume it is her First born. She will have calmed down by no.3!

I went a little crazy after my 1st but every man and his dog was allowed to touch my 3rd, clean hands or not. Hell even the dog licked him.......

Just count to 10 and hope the faze passes

ladymariner · 25/02/2009 20:26

YABU. Very. Its her baby, and while she may be a little PFB why not?

And why two names?

welliemum · 25/02/2009 20:26

I'm on my 3rd baby and I think YABU.

Toddlers touch EVERYTHING and have their hands down their nappy as often as they can manage.

The bugs on a toddler's hands could put a newborn in hospital if they got unlucky.

I agree with the poster who said that by not washing your toddler's hands, you put your friend in an awkward position.

WinkyWinkola · 25/02/2009 20:31

She is being OTT. But does it really matter?

It's a massive time of adjustment for her. She might be feeling generally panicky and fearful. Getting people to wash their hands before touching the baby is one way of making sure they do as she asks and she can retain some control over her life.

I don't know the details but I do remember how anxious and upset and worried I felt after my first was born. I didn't know what the hell I was doing and felt utterly miserable, lost and become very controlling as a result.

It makes me choke up to think of it actually - being so unhappy at what should have been such a wonderful time in my life.

Be kind to her to her and be there for her in case she needs to talk.

WinkyWinkola · 25/02/2009 20:33

I meant a time of massive adjustment.

claireybeemine · 25/02/2009 20:47

Is it her first baby? Only I remember when dd was born toddlers seemed MASSIVE and grubby. I was convinced they would squash her and their normal toddler behaviour seemed dangerous

Also, to you it might only be a slight runny nose, but to someone who doesn't have a toddler it is a vile stream of germ ridden snot (actually I still feel a bit like that about other people's children's snot and I have two toddlers of my own )

And surely you can remember how terrifying it is when your pfb gets ill for the first time-even just a cold can seem awful when a newborn has it

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