for getting angry with the OH

[cannydoit]

he disagrees with everything i say and is so negative. cant understand why people make a fuss of pancake day or valintines day or even birthdays. he says he is not alone in thinking this way about stuff and i am just niavely optimistic.
its now getting to the point where i am seeing red.
aibu for just wanting to have a nice converstation about something with out feeling like i am pulling teeth????

YANBU

If these things are important to you or your DCs then they should be important to him.

He's right that he's not alone in thinking this but it shouldn't be an excuse for just not bothering about these things.

YANBU.

I think that what's great about having kids is that you appreciate the simple fun of things, like you do when you are a child yourself before cynicism sets in. (That said I can be a bit grumpy-trousers about Halloween)

Has he always been like this?

yeah he has, wasnt raised with a mum and his dad is a bitter old man. we havent been getting on great of late so maybe it seems more proniunced now.it has always caused rows between us but now it is really peaking.

"YANBU

If these things are important to you or your DCs then they should be important to him.

He's right that he's not alone in thinking this but it shouldn't be an excuse for just not bothering about these things."

well surely you could just reverse that and say "if she knows he doesn't like it she shouldn't force him to feign interest"

there's been threads on this section giving out about men obsessed with football or golf or x-box, no one is going to suggest the solution to this is for the woman to feign interest if she hates it.
fwiw i'm in the hating valentines day camp (although pancakes are awesome) and flat out refuse to do anything on it with my gf.i just absolutely can not stand it, i would be very annoyed with her if she tried to force me to do something she knows i absolutely hate.
as i'd assume she'd be if i tried to force her to do something that she really could not stand.
why not just leave him to it and enjoy the day yourself (admittedly easier with pancake day than valentines)

completely ignore the fact that it's his birthday and fathers day this year then, if he doesn't like fuss.

lol that could be a plan. except i gnored valentine day and he thanked me for "finally getting it".
its not just the occasions its just feeling like he is picking rows with me by disagreeing with me over everything.

DO THE SAME TO HIM - I swear I "cured" my dh of this. My dh is so farking argumentative he could start a fight in an empty room.

Honestly, disagree with absolutely every single thing he says for about 2 weeks and when he says "you've been acting strange recently" tell him what you've been doing. And tell him you've been doing it to show him exactly how it feels.

sorry thought this thread was fuelled by the day in it and your dh's lack of enthusiasm about such occassions. but if he is constantly negative and expects you to make a fuss over him on occassions when it suits him but not others then that would be extremely annoying.

i like it myfunnynametaken.
i will give that a try .

yanbu...i have a cup half empty dh too
I also did the same to him recently. He only managed untill the evening before saying 'my ! god what is wrong with you !!'. It did make a slight difference ...he had no idea of the effect he was having on everyone.

YANBU but I understand his POV. Some people place a lot of emphasis on what I might regard as 'fake' celebrations and yet I might place a lot of emphasis on small gestures scattered in a year that are far more profound. I go through the motions of the celebrations you mention (except Valentines which is too cheesy for pragmatist me) for the sake of other people but they are never really meaningful to me.

The morning my DH got up a 7.00am and filled my empty car up with petrol because he knew I had a long journey was worth a lifetime of valentines roses to me - even more so because we'd had the mother of all rows the night before but that tiny insignificant gesture told me he still loved me.

Many men are like this. They see actions as louder than words. You might be justified in your irritation but go easy. He probably thinks the world of you.

i really think i am going to give it a try and see how it goes.

ah he does think the world of me and u are right those little gestures would be lovely but i have to fight to get him to make me a cup of tea. i would prob make less fuss of special occasions if he made me feel more special threw out the year.

I had a DH who loved to argue. Topic didn't matter, he just loved to take a contrary position to me (even if it was one he didn't agree with). After years of this, I stopped arguing. I would just give up and say 'fine, whatever'.

He is now the ExH, and I'm remarried to someone who doesn't see me as a debate partner. There were plenty of other problems, but the constant arguing over the pettiest things really grated!

bloody hell, it must be like living with Eeyore!

totally agree with those who say give him some negativity back about the constant arguing.

Think there might be room for compromise on the 'special days' front, it IS a valid view IMO for people to think that valentines, mothers and fathers day are a load of cobblers. However I think if you tell him you would like to be treated on your birthday, Christmas, then he should totally respect that.

Leo9 - I love your posts, they always make me laugh!! (Yet also have some wise words in them). Why can't I seem to meet people like you IRL??

mayorquimby

In response to your post I hardly think that wanting some kind of gesture on Valentine's Day or wanting your partner to join in with your family on Pancake Day equates to being obsessed with football,golf or x-box.

If these things were important to your girlfriend would it be too much for you to put your principles aside and buy some flowers or eat a pancake?

aww Chipping that's so nice of you to say!

"If these things were important to your girlfriend would it be too much for you to put your principles aside and buy some flowers or eat a pancake? "

for me yes because i really do hate everything valentines day is about (i will gladly eat a pancake as yesterday proved). pressurising couples (well men mainly), competitive love "oh what did you do for v-day?" etc. it has lead to some arguments/tears with my gf but i can't bring myself to do it. i get her flowers or suprise her with a night out or home cooked meal regularly throughout the year, but on v-day it's just not happening and never will.
which is annoying for both of us, but hey it can't always be perfect.

"In response to your post I hardly think that wanting some kind of gesture on Valentine's Day or wanting your partner to join in with your family on Pancake Day equates to being obsessed with football,golf or x-box."

well by your reasoning if it's important to him it should be important to her. but ok i'll concede and use a more equivelant comparison, something that is one day a year and i love. halloween.
now what if the husband was nuts about halloween, his favourite holiday of the year by far. but his wife hated it, bad memories from child hood or simply just hates the thought of getting dressed up as it makes her feel self-concious? should she just lump it?get on with it no matter how much she doesn't want to, because it's important to her husband?
what about new years?my sister hates it, the crowds, the "forced enjoyment" as she calls it of the night, she much rathers small dinner parties or just a quiet pub with mates.her f loves it as he likes massive parties, so he goes out and enjoys himself and my sis stays home and enjoys the peace and quiet.
i don't see why people should be dictated to because of a calender.

YANBU (What does the O in OH stand for, by the way??).
My FIL is negative about the same sort of things; thinks they're all just a great big marketing ploy the nation is sucked into.
I would love to see his face if he didn't get a Father's Day card, though.
People like this are just grumpy gits, pure and simple. IF we have a Halloween party when DS is older, we certainly won't be inviting him! He can sit and be miserable on his own!

I do agree with what you say in principle re Valentine's Day and can't help thinking that it is really just a big commercial scam.

It's really crap on V Day if you're married to someone like you esp if you work in a female environment. Everyone asks about it and personally I always come home feeling drained and a bit pissed off that I'm apparently not as special as every other woman I know.

I too have had tearful conversations with my DH about this and he has recently relented and bought me flowers or some little gift and it just makes me feel better. It may be childish and not terribly well thought out but I think he realised that a tiny bit of effort on his part meant a great deal to me.

Sorry cannydoit feel I have hijacked this a bit.

no problem gon. i like to see other points of view onj this stuff.
o just feel we are desending in to a no fun zine and these "special occasions" are a good time for some people with 3 young kids to get together and do something different. my oh says he would rather it was a spontanse thing but it never happens that way and when i nag him(and yes i do nag him) about these times if he does do some thing it feels forced and i end up feeling a bit unloved.
dramtic and perhaps its a case of he cant win but ffs some time it just a case of enjoying urself and letting the other person know how much they mean to u............am i wrong??????