and selfish not to want to be the main bread winner?

[debs40]

Dilemma time. My boys are 6 and 3 and I have worked freelance while studying for a PhD since they were born.

DH is an IT contractor who is always on short term contracts miles away so it's been me and the boys together for most of the time for the last couple of years - dh comes home after 7 most days.

Anyway, my freelance stuff dried up end of last year (although I'm busy again now)and I started applying for jobs.

I have two interviews in London tomorrow.

In another life, I would want either of them.

One is pretty poorly paid given the commute (it's an hour and a half journey) but with a great organisation and the other is for public sector with definite chances of home working for part of the week eventually - maybe in 3 to 6 months.

We have no one to help with the kids and as dh works so far away, he couldn't do school collection and drop off at the moment.

He has said he would give up contracting and stay at home. However, because of the cost of commuting to London (£500 p/m), we couldn't manage on this salary alone so we'd need dh to do some work from home.

This has not proved possible for the last two years so I don't know it's suddenly possible now! Plus he's not the most self-motivated type and has no business skill - I do all his accounts everything.

I just can't see this working. I had hoped that I could maybe travel to London part-time and that this salary would be a bonus - additional income - but as his contracts get futher and further away from where we live, this doesn't now seem possible.

Trouble is DH seems really keen for me to go and try and get the job in London. I can see that he is tired of working late and commuting and lack of job security.

A public sector position like this would be a job for life but I don't think we could manage financially if he gave up work and I have had the kids on my own for so long, that I'm not sure I want to be in London 5 days a week!

DH has never had to even do the school/nursery run for both before.

I'm worried that we need financial security and I'm being selfish and perhaps I should give it a go and see if he can set up on his own. But it seems like a big change and a lot of effort on my part for little in the way of guaranteeing a better quality of life.

Advice/opinions welcome!

if you didn't like the job though you could always leave and he could go back to contracting away again - it all doesn't have to be forever

go to the interviews and see if you get the jobs and then decide?

I don't think you are being selfish at all and it sounds like the big issue here is sharing responsibility and understandably, it seems to be more about being the head of the household in more ways than just breadwinning.

It sounds like you cannot feel confident in his ability to stay at home and look after the children as he has never done so before or half the self discipline o work at home, you have to manage the accounts and now his career progress is limiting you as a family.

My husband is an IT contractor and has as much stability as anyone and a long term contract. He worked from home for 2 years and it takes huge quantities of self motivation and proactivity to make it work, which he did, but he hated it as he found it so isolating, se be wary of this as an option and there is very little opportunity out there now left for this.

It also sounds like time for you to consider what you would like to do with your own individual opportunities.

Keep all your options open but don't feel you need to make any decisions yet. The interviews, will shed some light for you on whether they are a route you want for yourself.

Try and tackle each of the issues individually as otherwise the whole challenge to sort out your lives in one go appears huge.

1. Your husband isn't happy in his work so how does he take responsibility for changing things for him without giving up work yet, It is too much of a risk as a family to rely on you from Day 1 and as you said makes sense for you to be a top up salary not alternative.

2. You need proper childcare for the children and until he finds a job that allows him for flexible working hours to have a chance to learn how to manage the kids, then it really is still in your hands until you both could afford another option.

3. Your career opportunity, you seem to have trained hard and there appears to be two potential jobs, but don't decide on either of them until them are offered to you as anything could happen and it is a waste of your energy to think which one to take throughout the whole process.

I think in times like this your risk averse attitude is not unfair at all you are simply trying to protect your way of life to ensure you are financially safe and happy as a family, You do need to take risks in life but calculated risk ensures you try things out before they dictate the wrong path for you.

I wish you all the best for you and your family
Ellora

How about finding a childminder that can take the 3 yo, and do school pick up and drop off for the 6yo? Then if DH is on 3 month contracts, he could maybe do 3 months on, 1 or 2 months off, and you can see how it works out? What sort of time would you be getting home from your job if you get it?

I think yabu actually - i think you are a bit nervous about making such a big change to your lifestyle and a bit scared of having all the pressure on you. Could there not be some sort of compromise where you both lessen your hours? No point in you taking a job where you are going to hate the commute etc. I could probably get a job tomorrow if i were prepared to coummute but i wont because a)it would be a nightmare with DD. and b) because i dont WANT to leave at 7 in the morning and get home at 7 at night. But, my DP has to leave at 6 am and gets home at 7, he hates it, but has to do it because he is the main breadwinner for now and trying to establish a business. I do unerstand your reasoning, but i think you need to be the one looking for compromise. Perhaps your DP has felt the same way as you do having to do such long hours and wants some time with his children?

Hi Debs - seems like there is more than one issue here. Firstly, do you think that your DH can be a SAHD and make a success of it? He might surprise you. My DH has been a SAHD for almost a year now, and although things were a bit higgledy piggledy to start with, he soon got the hang of things.

He doesn't run things like I would, but I've learned to stand back and respect that it's his job, and he does it his way. The kids are happy, and he told me only last night that right now, he'd still rather be with them than go back to full time work (he was made redundant just over a year ago).

The other issue of being the main bread winner is trickier I think. That totally depends on your personality. It's the situation I'm in, but I didn't have to elect to be in it, it just happened to us. I have a well paid job that can just about cover mortgage and living expenses. DH's job just covered our childcare costs with a tiny bit of change - so we aren't that much worse off financially, and the children are better off in many respects. I also feel more motivated to be at work because I know it's enabling them to have a parent at home, which is something I never thought we would be able to achieve.

The only downside for me is that I can never really daydream about moving on from my current job, which I don't love. I couldn't get paid a comparable wage at any other company in the UK for what I do, and so to move on would require big changes all round. DH would have to go back to work (find work!) and we'd have to put the children back into childcare - all of which feels very scary in the current climate.

So I have my occasional panics, and then I pull myself together, and make like a bloke from the 1950's and put my best foot forward to continue the security of my family. I know that there is a marker in the future where I will be more free to make more "selfish" decisions about my career, but I'm not at that point yet.

Sorry - I have waffled about myself, but given I'm in a vaguely similar situation, hopefully it's useful to get an honest view on what it might be like.

Also, you may possible, occasionally, feel incredibly guilty about the fact that your DH is doing the childcare. Not because you want to be in his place, but because you know how bloody tough it it being at home with the kids 24-7.

Thanks for this.

Ellora - that is a really helpful way of looking at things. You are right I have trained hard and have lots of qualifications and experience but I don't know what I want to do with it all! I would really like to make a go of my freelance work as this fits in perfectly with the kids but there is not much out there at the moment. I'd be very interested in hearing more about your dh's experience of contracting from home. I think you are right to say how does dh take responsibility for changing things - at the moment he takes no responsibility for this. He doesn't search job boards or follow up contacts. I have to chase him to do anything. he's lovely but very lazy laid back!

PerArdua - there is no way my 6 year old will go to a childminder at the moment. We are waiting on a referral to a paediatrician for possible ASD/dyspraxia but he has very strong sensory and routine issues and gets upset by change.

LucyEllen - you are right and that's why I feel so torn. I know dh would love to work nearer and be able to do more with us. I do feel sorry for him. he moaned because I chased him to work at 7 this morning in the hope he could get home earlier but I would have to leave at 5.15 if I worked in London. unfortunately,there doesn't seem to be any work for him locally. The problem is (and we've been married for 15 years so I do know him well!)that he is not organised and not at all business minded. He has wanted to do something like this for years but has done nothing about it. Also, to work in London, I would have to get up at leave at 5.15 and get the 5.45 train and would not get home until 6pm at the earliest. I think we're replacing one absent parent with another.

Sycamore - thanks for this. It is helpful. I am sorry about dh's redundancy and I'm glad it is working out for you. My dh also got made redundant - hence the contracting.I suppose I feel this is something I would do if I had to but at the moment I wonder if we are creating change for no point.

Originally, the plan was that dh, when he was in his permanent position would home work on the days I was in London and I would get a job for 2 or 3 days a week.

That's all changed and he can't home work as he's contracting and this has now become a fullt-time job issue.

In truth, I am also scared about putting myself through extensive testing and rigorous interview processes (which is what the public sector post would entail)if it's not something I really intend to do.

I suppose I feel it might be a waste of energy doing this when we're not even sure it is what we want as a family.

I think you should go to the interviews and then think about your options if you are offered one of the jobs.

Debs - I really feel for you. You are going round in circles in your head - it's a familiar feeling, believe me!

I think the issue of your DH's happiness at work has to be treated completely separately to your potential new jobs (which I'm sure you'll get as sounds super lovely and very smart, but there's always a chance you might not). He's obviously unhappy, and is seizing on this as an opportunity to get out of a bad situation. Nothing wrong with that, but does it have to be working from home/being a SAHP?

Sometimes it takes situations like this to create a watershed, or an emotional amnesty in our lives - I know it this was the case for us. DH was unhappy anyway, so his redudancy had a silver lining. Money is tighter than ever, but he found a way out and the family has benefitted as a whole. Me, perhaps the least, but that's OK for the moment. If you can see a practical way to help your DH out of an unhappy situation which doesn't mean you just take his place in unhappy land, then this could be the opportunity you have all needed to make some positive changes in your lives. Good luck

Thanks Sycamore - that is really helpful advice. We have just been wrapped up in preparing for DS's birthday and half term the last week and we really haven't been discussing this as we should.

I suppose part of it is a fear of failure and my part too. The public sector post is a very competitive recruitment process and I wouldn't want to put myself through unless it was what I really wanted.

debs you really have my sympathies.

I can see myself having to make some tough decisions about going back to work in a few months. I've been off for ages. Ds is 22m and #2 will arrive in April so I can't go now, but if dh doesn't land a job soon I will have to give it a go. No advice, just some good old MN support and a LARGE choccy muffin!

Thanks folks. Much appreciated.

I still haven't finished my PhD either and I'm supposed to be writing it up part-time around the kids and freelance stuff.

What happens to that if I'm working in London? What if they're all snotty civil servant types?

I just don't think I want to go..... or maybe I'm being a coward!

I don't think you're being a coward - you have to trust your instincts . And no, they won't all be snotty civil servant types, but the likelihood is there'll be one or two - there always are, whatever your place of work.

I think you should go through the process of interviewing etc - once you start down the road, listen to your gut instinct. You will feel a bit sick and nervous either way, but you will know whether they are positive nerves, or negative. You will get a feel for what it might be like. The commute will be a bummer - any commute into a major city is, but sounds like at least one of these jobs might be fulfilling enough to make it worth while....