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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

why does everyone think they are being "bullied" ?

24 replies

pigletandpooh · 24/02/2009 08:13

I know, I know, there are some people at work who have genuinely evil, unprofessional managers who expect too much and are rude, unfair, undermining and (yes) bullying. And it shouldn't be allowed. But....

AIBU to get pissed off that every second post in the the work thread starts with "I am being bullied at work" by their boss, their colleagues, their staff, HR, anyone in the world, in fact.

It seems that any time someone doesn't like what is happening at work, they claim they are being bullied. Some jobs are difficult, and some people are just not good at their job, and despite help, support training etc, they still can't do it. Try to tackle something like this and immediately the person either claims they are being bullied or goes off sick with stress.

Of course they are stressed. It is stressful being told that your performance is not up to scratch. But that on its own does not make it bullying.

Some people have a really crap attitude to their work. They are lazy, gossipy, disrespectful, and enjoy making trouble for people. One of my colleagues is like this, but when her managers tried to do something about it. Lo and behold she was being "bullied". Crap! She was being properly managed.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 24/02/2009 08:17

it sounds like you work in a really shitty place

my workplace is nothing like that

MarlaSinger · 24/02/2009 08:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 24/02/2009 08:22

blimey marla, I don't think the Op deserved that

BalloonSlayer · 24/02/2009 08:26

... hmm, it's a word bandied about a bit too much I agree.

The strong anti-bullying message put across in schools is great, and necessary, but I have been when my DS1 has mentioned "the time he was bullied" to me. It seems that someone came up to him in the playground and, erm, said something not very nice to him. (It wasn't a personal comment btw.)

I have tried and tried to explain that bullying is something else altogether and that he cannot expect to go through life with everyone he meets being nice to him.

Cannot comment on the work threads though - suspect "you have to be there."

LucyEllensmummy · 24/02/2009 08:26

YABU - i was systmatically bullied throughout my school life! It still affects me now - it was done subtley so you could have argued i was being over sensitive and trying to make up for my own inability to make friends. Bullshit - it was bullying end of story. I was sort of bullied at work once, by a collegue, thankfully i knew it was down to this particular persons own insecurities and i wasn't singled out, she was like it with everyone - but it still needed a drink some nights when i came home from work.

As to this person you describe being properly managed - more bullshit! If she were being properly managed the lazy gossipy disrespectful attitudes would have been nipped in the bud without her feeling singled out. Her manager would have made her feel motivated rather than disilusioned. So the fact that she has been given the ammunition to claim bullying - which actually she could well be, especially if as it seems she is being discussed by the rest of her collegues (um, that would be you!) then she is being very poorly managed indeed.

Hmmmmm, and in the light of that sagely advice LEM considers a career in management

LucyEllensmummy · 24/02/2009 08:27

Marlas post was a bit harsh, maybe a sore point

Pruners · 24/02/2009 08:28

Message withdrawn

expatinscotland · 24/02/2009 08:32

Yes, piglet, let's bring back the workhouse and debtor's prisons! To the rack with all these lazy people! They just need a proper kick up the jacksie, as long as you're the one doing the kicking, right?

Bucharest · 24/02/2009 08:32

I think "bully" as a term has become much over-used, to the extent that it has become de-valued.

Whilst it undoubtedly exists, and is a horrific experience should it happen to you either as child or adult, I think it has become all too easy both in the workplace and other places (internet forums for example) to claim that it is happening...(I think especially with adults) The times one sees someone cry bully when all that has happened is a difference of opinion are mindblowing.

There are times when it's clearly an example of passive-aggression on the part of the person calling "bully". There are times when it clearly is happening, which is awful, and needs eradicating but the people who are not really being bullied but just, as the OP's post suggest about her colleague, not doing a very good job and being pulled up about it, need to realise they are doing real victims a great disservice.

oregonianabroad · 24/02/2009 08:37

YAVBU.

Having unpleasantness at work, whatever you want to call it, can be soul-destroying, and can have a detrimental impact on your performance as well. Good managers don't have to resort to those kind of strategies to get the best from their employees, and shouldn't tolerate bullying from colleagues either.

Just like at work, I would suggest you worry about yourself and ignore the complaints that you don't agree with -- just be glad it isn't you that is in an uncomfortable position!

Cammelia · 24/02/2009 08:54

In my experience I have noticed that the people who cry "bully" at the drop of a hat are those who are doing the bullying and when the victim finally retaliates or stands up for themselves the perp then claims victimhood.

The person who is genuinely being bullied tends to put up with it for some time, hoping it will go away or trying not to provoke the perp.

troutpout · 24/02/2009 09:07

blimey Marla...don't hold anything back !

erm yep..yabu piglet btw

oregonianabroad · 24/02/2009 10:42

That should be, YABVU. But on second thought, perhaps just YABU.

Triggles · 24/02/2009 10:49

I agree with Cammelia on this one - we had a coworker that took over as acting supervisor for awhile - but she showed incredible favouritism to her partner, who also worked there, and threw her weight around, routinely intimidating a few choice employees that she didn't like. But the minute she got called on it, she turned on the waterworks and claimed she was being bullied because people were jealous that she was acting supervisor. So thankful I don't work there with her anymore. It became such a pattern with her - push and push, then cry and claim she was being bullied.

Cammelia · 24/02/2009 10:55

Taht's what all bullies do Triggles, its part of the bullying

Peachy · 24/02/2009 11:01

I ws bullied at Uni,even at 33 it reduced me to tears regularly.
other peoplewho had been friends would sit behind and whisper nasty comments every time I amde a point- little things like that but led to me refusing to answer any questions in my last yar,losng all confidence and probably was the reason I got a 2:1 instead of an A as it got so bad I didnt go to the library etc in case they were there.

Stilldont know what I did.

I suspect if the psoters were happy in their job they wouldnt post- so really YAUBU as its hardly a representative sampleand could easily all be gunine.

3000 posters with jobs, if only 45 post that they are being bullie it wuld be quite feasible but look a lot all together.

Peachy · 24/02/2009 11:02

(DH'scolleague used to threaten themphysically,slammed a few up against the all- after a year he was sacked (people toscared to complain)- turned out he had a conviction for GBH and was a very real risk )

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 24/02/2009 11:05

You can't actually know the background to other people's situations, especially onlin. Some people do sound like whiny twats who are clearly not being bullied enough, but there are other cases of sustained nasty abuse. Unfortunately it goes with the innocent-til-proven-guilty thing: there has to be some framework for people to hold the more powerful to account and not just be expected to put up with it because they are lower down in the hiearchy.

Gorionine · 24/02/2009 11:06

I (and a Portuguese collegue of mine)were bullied at work, no possibility of complainimg to HR as it was a restaurant and it was the boss (owner of the place)and us. I was "just" verbally abused for a month while my collegue was having a worst fate and was quite often locked in the cellar "by mistake". After one month I quit ,after getting my firt pay check. I told my boss exactly why I was leaving and he sounded very surprised (yeh right!)and encouraged my collegue to contact "le conseil de Prud'homme" (work tribunal) which she did. Our story ended well but afterwards I heard of two other waitresses who had worked there and ended on a phychiatric unit with severe nervous breakdown...

I am sure there might be people crying wolf, but I think until someone has actually been there, it is hard to imagine the affect it can have on someone.

You are not exacly BU but a bit incensitive maybe.

Peachy · 24/02/2009 11:16

I once complained about the behaviour of my new boss to the Big Boss; she was fab,pulled up new boss etc.

New Boss locked me in my office and shouted at me for three hours.

within a week I had another job and was out of there, but know I was lucky to find one.

Pruners · 24/02/2009 11:20

Message withdrawn

TotalChaos · 24/02/2009 11:25

um in direct response to the title - because most likely they are? obviously some people in life do like to (horrible phrase) play the victim, but I believe most people are basically honest.

pingping · 24/02/2009 11:29

YABU

partyfairy · 24/02/2009 11:46

I agree with Bucharest that the term "bullying" is overused these days.

OP I think YANBU exactly, but I think you need to remember that the posters on a work issues thread are already a self selected group of people having issues. People who are having a lovely time at work are unlikely to post all the time saying "I am not being bullied." Why would they?

That is why it seems like a high proportion of bullying posts and NOT because people are whinging about having to take criticism.

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