to get really fed up about people moaning about "useful" family ...

[redskyatnight]

I admit. I'm a jealous cow. We have no useful family in sight - my mother disapproves of my working so won't babysit for us. In-laws would but live 2.5 hours away.

But ... it seems that all my friends that have their parents and in-laws in near proximity and practically begging to babysit, are always moaning that they are not available at the exact time required, they don't follow their 6 page instruction manuals to their exact specific requirements, they once 2 years ago gave the poor DC a Fruit Shoot ...

AIBU to think that they should be grateful that they have such willing parents/in-laws and stop complaining about their shortcomings.

(anyone with less than superb grandparents may pass them this way - I am more than happy to only go out at 8.23pm on a Tuesday, for my child to subsist solely on a diet of Greggs sausage rolls and for item 5 (subsection d) re exact positioning of bib to not be exactly followed.)

YANBU. Your mother doesn't sound at all very helpful, and can't believe she won't babysit because you work!

Some people don't appreciate what they have, sadly my sister is one of them.

Well you're obviously keeping your sense of humour!

Seriously though, even though it's tempting to feel a bit jealous when other people seem to have babysitting and even regular childcare on tap, and for free, you're really better off having your independence. The free childcare always seems to come at a price - just read those MN threads a bit more carefully. I know they can sometimes come across as being from ungrateful whingers, but I think there must be underlying issues for people to get hung up about it.

We've always paid for babysitters and childcare - and the grandparents are there to enjoy being grandparents. Subsequently, our children have always seen going to them as a real treat, not something to take for granted.

YANBU it drives me mad too, in-laws deceased,my own live 3 hours away, I too feel shocked at the bitching of friends about trivia such as ; 'I wish my mum would have let me make my own cup of tea when I came out of hospital after giving birth'.
'I wish mum would get out of my face'.
I wish my mum/inlaws had visited/lived to see me and my children after childbirth.

yanbu at all

I'm with you on this one.

My parents both died before I was thirty and never saw my kids and my MIL lives 300 miles away. We have no family anywhere near us.

That's life. You get on with it. We're happy and have some great pals who help when we're really stuck BUT I cannot stand immature whinging about 'my mum won't do this..' or 'I wish my mum was more like that' or 'I don't like it when MIL doesn't do blah blah..' even when they've got help at hand, along with love and support. This shouldn't stop you criticising but let's have some perspective please!

One old friend of mine was recently complaining about how 'useless' her parents were (i.e. how they didn't fetch and carry for her as much as she'd like) only later to mention how they stopped everything and came to stay for a week to help out when her kids were ill (they live 250 miles away from her).

There is jealousy there - who wouldn't be jealous of someone who had more help!- but it's also an annoyance at infantile whinging!

YANBU. I could kiss my Mum's feet for the help she gives me with DS. I posted on here for advice when I had a safety worry, but anything short of that, and I butt out. She loves him, cares for him beautifully, and I am endlessly grateful and lucky to have her. I don't give a monkeys if she gives him the odd choccy biccy once he is weaned, or dresses him in stuff I don't like; I know I am blessedly lucky to have free childcare from someone who'd literally lie in traffic for him.

Have always wanted to post something like this, thanks redskyatnight.

Both my and dh's mother died many years ago and although dcs have step-grandmas who are quite lovely (if bonkers in their own special way), both sets of grandparents live someway away and are of limited 'use'!

Must admit, I do have the most marvellous big sister who has some/all of my 3 ds's for one or more nights a year, but she also lives a couple of hours away.

For me, apart from the quality relationship of a grandparent who is around the whole time, which I had as a child, it's the little things that would take the pressure of ME - I have overdue smear, opticians and dentists appts to arrange and it would just be so much easier if someone could take care of the children for an odd hour.

Oh I so know what youre saying!!

We have only 1 elderly grandd so for the last 14 years have trundled kids wherever we go (yes even babysitters the last babysitter we had was in 1996 for my dh to be best man t wedding),now eldest ds is 15 we can leave him 'in charge' and the amount of people who say ohhh u are lucky!!!! lucy?? lucky??? ive had 14 years of dragging kids round with me - bjesus ive even had to take them with me for a smear test .

YANBU I am always grateful for any offers of help !

Bosch - you put it so well. Just someone who would help if you really needed it. I end up having to turn to friends who have their own small children and they help when they can but it's not the same.

Also, I do feel sad that my children will never have that contact with the older generation. My nan was a wonderful person and I have very fond memories of her. My kids won't have that.

It's not the end of the world but that's not an approach or perspective adopted by those bemoaning MIL or parents who they perceive as less than perfect .... that's cause for a full scale moan!

yep me too I feel little pangs when I see how awful it is that mother is doing this and MIL is spiteful etc.
Ok yes there are nasty people in this world but I do find alot is self making.

my inlaws died before I even got a chance to meet them and I feel so sad sometimes because I know they were fantastic people and I have to smile seeing OH speak about them with such joy and just hope one day my kids will have similar memories.

Nickschick - snap!!
my oldest is now 7 I was single from 3months pregnant - my mum upon finding out I changed the colour of the family line disbanded us so it was just us for 4 years.
She has attended some of the most obscure appointments I always found though being straight non apologetic about it caused less fuss!

Eventually I had some help from a good friend but I hated relying on her
I would have killed to just be able to have a mum or MIL to say I'll have madam this weekend!

Now we have moved we really are stuck it's just us working it all out - which is fine
but I do wish that people would realise just because mother gave DC a biscuit doesn't make them awful people - we all do things differently they raised you or DP perfectly well!

YANBU

I have no family nearby, but my DH is wonderful and actually does more than his fair share round the house and with the two DCs.

I am actually very proud of the fact that we have, with the help of child care and paid baby sitters, basically brought up our kids on our own...

Speaking from both sides here.

As a grandparent - I have refused to watch grandchild full time while DD is working - not to be difficult, but because I have a toddler as well and would like to be able to have my own life and my own schedule. DH & I cover the childcare (free) for DD during the hours she works that the nursery isn't open (3 days per week from 5-7pm), picking up grandchild from nursery and bringing him home to ours for tea those three nights. But other than that I prefer to be grandma, not the babysitter. I don't mind helping out, but DD is an adult and is expected to line up regular childcare like any other responsible adult (much like we had to when she was little).

As the parent of a toddler - we don't expect our parents to provide childcare for us - and they couldn't due to health reasons anyway. My parents are completely useless as they spend more time criticising and undermining than helping. The inlaws are close by and we visit every week, sometimes more if we get the opportunity. I also prefer they simply are allowed to be grandparents and not babysitters - mainly because I think it can often cause friction in the relationship due to generational differences and simply different parenting styles.

I like that if I am not happy with something at a nursery, you can calmly but straightforwardly speak to staff there. But when it's a relative, it's much trickier. I think when it's family watching a DC, you have to allow some leeway for differences. Some people do seem to be quite unreasonable about it - demanding everything be just so. It's a shame, but again, that's why I prefer family to just be family.

That's a really useful post Triggles.

It sounds like you've struck the right balance - generously looking after your grandchild 3 times a week when the nursery isn't open, but also retaining your own independence and routine and not becoming consumed by looking after your dd's child.

I agree that family should just be allowed to be family. Ideally that includes a certain level of involvement - I'm sure if my parents had lived nearer they would have offered some free babysitting - but not to the extent of using grandparents to just provide free childcare - it's not fair on anyone in the family and prevents them from just being able to enjoy being grandparents with no strings attached.

I agree. It's the sense of entitlement which is annoying. Why should people expect others to babysit, run around after them when they are grown adults?

Most GP like to be involved and that is great but you can't expect people to do it or expect to control their every move when they do any more than you can control anything or expect anything else in life.

I agree that paying for childcare/babysitting does leave you without a 'price to pay' but sometimes locating that care can be impossible.

I get very jealous of parents who have interested mums.
I have 5 dc and I am pg I do not expect anyone to look after my dc I understand they are a lot to cope with but my Mum is so uninterested it hurts sometimes .
When they are newborn she wants to take them out and show them off to friends and sit cuddling them for hours but as soon as they get wriggly/hair pulley she does not want to know .
She did look after 4 of them for two hours a fortnight ago when I had a hospital appt with DD1 but that was because I did her a huge favour the week before.
When we go and visit she sits on the pc or watches deal or no deal the dc will sometimes ask if they can stay after I go home and she always has an excuse .
PIL are not involved with our dc and when they were they were somewhat similar to my Mum .
I did get jealous yesterday when my friend who has a new baby mentioned that her older dc spent a few days at their gp's house over half term so she could have some time with the baby .

I'm with you on this one.

A (not close) friend is always ranting on about her IL's - who do her gardening (not quite the way she likes it) take her ironing weekly (and do it not quite the way she likes it, live 40 miles away so stay over one night a week and cook (ditto) and look after the DC whilst she works the next day (ditto). Theyu also quite often have the DC to stay at theirs for the weekend to give frind and her DH some time together.

My parents have been dead since I was in my 20's. My MIL is in her late 70's and infirm, so I actually have to do things for her. I no surviving siblings. My DH works abroad 50% + of the time and I have a DS with severe SN (and a NT DD).

I would so love someone to cook my supper one night per week or do my gardening. I just hold my tongue and smile.

yanbu. My mum lives nearby and helps out a lot. I am so grateful and would never give out about her. She's not perfect and there are comprimises I have to make but it is a very small price to pay for having her in our lives. I would never take her for granted

A (not close) friend is always ranting on about her IL's - who do her gardening (not quite the way she likes it) take her ironing weekly (and do it not quite the way she likes it, live 40 miles away so stay over one night a week and cook (ditto) and look after the DC whilst she works the next day (ditto). Theyu also quite often have the DC to stay at theirs for the weekend to give frind and her DH some time together.

This just baffles me. First of all, I would feel incredibly guilty allowing my in-laws to do my gardening and ironing and such! But to turn around and then say it's not quite the way she likes it is incredible cheek.

yanbu some do seem to expect so much in the way of help and forget that grandparents have had their own children (i.e done the hard work) and any help they give shouldn't be taken forgranted and that ultimately it is up to gps what help they offer or don't offer (because they do have their own lives)

Two things in favour of those who do have gps nearby. We did actively choose to live near them so that our dcs could have a close relationship with them, relocating and changing our entire lives to enable this.
Secondly esp with in-laws- the whole relationship does take a lot of work and a lot of lip biting - the help doesn't just come on tap - it is generally conditional!!
BUT I realise we're lucky and take the rough with the smooth and the benefits to dc are huge!

We also moved to be closer to PIL as I get on better with them than my own mum. I knew I'd moan about my mum if we lived near her as we really don't see eye to eye! Drastic measures but it's best for us.