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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel angry, sad and confused

17 replies

duckndive · 23/02/2009 21:58

I have just discovered that my brother is my half brother. I am one of 3 siblings and my parents have just told us for the first time, after 36 years, that my father is not my older brothers dad. I feel so sad for my brother and feel incredibly shocked myself, is there anyone else out there who has experienced this. Don't really feel I ABU but just did not know where else to post this type of message.

OP posts:

wannaBe · 23/02/2009 22:05

Why have they decided to tell you this now?

My dad has just recently discovered that one of his sisters was in fact his half sister. However it happened over 50 years ago, and the person who revealed the facts was my nan's sister who took it upon herself to tell them while my nan lay on her death bed so not in a position to defend herself.

It is slightly different here in that the aunt in question here is no longer alive so wouldn't be in a position to want to trace her real father etc. But as far as the rest of the family are concerned, what happened happened and is in the past. And the woman who revealed all is clearly a malicious bitch just out to cause trouble which she has failed to do.

I would say all you can do is be there for your brother. He will be going through a hard time right now. But on the other hand, it takes more than blood to be a father, and if your father has been a good father to him then it's about more than biology.

And whatever has happened, he is still your brother. Nothing changes that.

BabyBump2B · 23/02/2009 22:06

I am so sorry you are going through this. Its not exactly the same but when I was 17 my parents told us that my mom had had another daughter before me (I'm the eldest) and had found her, etc. I remember the shock of it all and the realisation that they had kept it from us the whole time.

Its not nearly as tough as your situation but it might be worth talking to someone about it (helped me put my thoughts together) I'd also make sure your brother knows that he's still your brother no matter what. Hugs!

FairLadyRantALot · 23/02/2009 22:17

this will probaby sound callous...but honest....nothing really has changed....this Brother is still the samr Brother you grew up with and have a bond with....and you are still the same sister....

it's possibly more of a shock to him, because obviously the father he has always known isn't his biological father...hwever, really, nothing has changed in how everyone should feel about eachother...

I agree though, talking about it will help.

Original poster

duckndive · 23/02/2009 22:18

Thanks girls, to be honest I too question why now after all this time, to which they say that, they have always wanted to tell him but the time was never right, and now were worried as he is getting older if there may be any health issues? I really don't know if it was neccesary to do it after all this time though.

My father never ever acted or treated us any different, and married my mum knowing she was carrying someone elses baby. For that I am very proud.

I just find it incredibly shocking though, as its the last thing that I would have ever expected to hear.

I guess its a loss of some sort so its bound to cause me upset. I live in a different country to my family so really feel sad that I cannot go give my brother a big hug.

OP posts:

Original poster

duckndive · 23/02/2009 22:24

Yes Fairlady you are right nothing changes our relationship, and for my brother its a tough one.

However what I find so hard to believe is how nobody knew, ever, except mum and dad, and they held it in all this time, its like the mom and dad I know are not who they are, (sounds crazy I am sure but its difficult to explain), its like, I look at them in a whole new light now, some good and bad.

Plus I feel sad that they had to carry that all their lives without sharing it. I really don't know how they managed that.

OP posts:

FairLadyRantALot · 23/02/2009 22:34

ach....maybe they just never knew how to address it...36 years ago, there was more of a stigma attached, iykwim...I am sure they meant well!

Me and my sister are "only" halfsisters....but we grew up together, so that, to me means she is my sister (saying that we are a terrible example....as we don't even speak now...but that is unrelated to the halfsibling thing....)

I realise it is the secrecy that is getting to you....but probably will be worth considering why?

Ronaldinhio · 23/02/2009 22:38

yabr to feel shocked but I agree with some of the other posters that it doesn't really change anything
hope you and your brother get through it

we discovered a half brother about 3 years ago and although different it was a shock to us (dunno why we were shocked though given the dad we have!)

sandra79 · 23/02/2009 22:39

hi duckndive - i am 30 & foundout the same thing 3 years ago, not from my parents telling me tho! i have always had a feeling that my dad wasnt my dad but my parents dont know i know?! it really bothers me and i dont want to opena can of worms by saying anything, my sister doent have a clue about it and i dont want to upset her either, he is her dad.

Original poster

duckndive · 23/02/2009 22:42

Well my husband was adopted and has found half sisters and brother etc. so we have experienced this side of things before in our lives.

Its not so much the secrecy that puzzles me, its that fact that my parents are not the people I believed they were if you can understand that.

I have met many people in my life and on first impressions you get an idea of them and later you realise how different they are to your initial impression, sometimes I feel dissapointed in realises people are not always what they seem, and it can be an untrusting world, but always felt safe in the knowledge that at least I knew my family, but now really and truly question do we ever know them at all??

Sorry to hear you have fallen out with your sister that is a pity.

Thanks for taking the time to hear (or read) what I had to say!

OP posts:

Original poster

duckndive · 23/02/2009 22:45

oh Sandra sorry to hear that, and it must be real hard not being able to share it with your family. Have you talked to anybody about it?

OP posts:

FairLadyRantALot · 23/02/2009 22:46

oh, tis o.k.

are you angry with your parents?

Original poster

duckndive · 23/02/2009 22:50

F.L I would be lying if I said I was not a bit angry. But I suppose let down is the word really. But perhaps that is my own trust issue. Nothing to do with them. That was their journey, and they are intitled to do what they think is best, but it just feels like part of our upbringing was a lie.

Probably all normal reactions to something like this, and I find myself having conflicting emotions so its really all about me rather than them.

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FairLadyRantALot · 23/02/2009 23:06

yeah...I think it is normal to question and to have all sorts of emotions....

ChippingIn · 23/02/2009 23:07

duckndive - sorry to hear this Even though it changes nothing - it changes everything.

When my Grandad died when I was 14 I found out that my Dad's older sister was only his half sister (not my Grandads biological daughter). We are all a close family. It hurt that I hadn't been told this, even though I do believe that the only reason I hadn't been told was that it hadn't really come up, rather than it had been a secret IYKWIM.

However, I still felt like they hadn't been honest with me and it was unsettling - even though I didn't think differently about my Aunty - it made me wonder what else I wasn't being told... if that makes sense.

So, in short, I'm trying to say that even though this is 'closer to home' with you, I understand how you feel and even though you don't love your brother any differently, it does unsettle you...

BenFMsmum · 23/02/2009 23:13

I'm sort of in the opposite situation here, my dp is not the father of his eldest dd but only a few people know this. She does not know and neither do her 2 brothers or sister. He paid maintenance for her just the same when he and his wife split and would never dream of telling her as it wouldn't change anything for the better. Even though his ds disowned him when he left the family home and has been vile and rude ever since but that is another thread altogether!!

Original poster

duckndive · 23/02/2009 23:14

Chipping in that is precisly how I feel, unsettled!

Thanks for sharing your story, I can so relate to what you have said.

OP posts:

bentneckwine1 · 24/02/2009 09:20

When we are growing up we tend to put our parents on some kind of (unrealistic) pedestals. Dad seen as a hero, srong and able to 'sort' anything out. Mum seen as the 'perfect' mother and homemaker.

We often grow up into our own versions of our parents, e.g. parenting in a similar way, working in similar environments etc.

So if something happens to change our perception of our parents and forces us to see them as people/adults rather than caregivers it can have a knock on effect in our own lives and leave us questioning how we do things.

In my own naive world I believe that my parents waited until they were married and then only had sex twice...they have two children!! Now if someone was to tell me that my sister had a different father to the one that had brought us both up I would be forced to see my mother as an adult with sexual relationships that started outside marriage. Knowing my mother to be a moral woman this would shake my faith in her and ultimately my own moral framework and could put me in the position of having judged my mother's behaviour and found it wanting.

Does that make any sense? Duckndive, I can understand how much this has shaken you and I am also guessing that you have such respect for your parents you feel that to query facts and ask for answers will be upsetting for them.
I hope your brother finds a sense of peace soon.

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