about getting upset about this?

[5inthebed]

The first anniversary of my FIL's death is coming up soon. He died very quickly from cancer. Yesterday we went to MIL, where she showed us the eulogy (not even sure thats what its called) that she had written to be put in the local paper on the anniversary. She has completely missed my name off it!!! Not even mentioned me. And it has made me feel like crying. Ok, maybe I did actually cry about it last night to DH, who said he would have a word with her, but I've told him not to. She has put DH and his brother and sister (understandable), and our three kids' names on it. I did ask her why I wasn't mentioned and she just shrugged. The only reason why I can think she has done it is because she didn't want to mention DH's brothers wife, as she has never had anything to do with the family. We have only met her twice in the 10 years they have been together. Even so, I still think me not being mentioned is a big slap in the face, as if I didn't matter to him, didn't care about him.

I feel so very hurt by this. I loved my FIL like he was my dad. I was very close to him. I helped nurse him for the few weeks he was in hospital, especially so on the last day he was with us. I was holding his hand when he died. I was the one who had to hold it together and speak to the vicar and funeral director. I practically arranged his funeral as nobody else felt strong enough to do so! God I'm crying as I type this.

I know this post makes it all sounds like its all me, me, me. But I am so upset by it, and I'm not even sure I'm entitled to feel like this.

Sounds like the SIL is afactor,so easier to leave everyone not blood off thel ist.
Honestly,it doesn't matter.
What does matter is that you loved him and sound like a lovely SIL.
Swallow your pride for his sake.

yanbu but agree with moondog

I think that was very strange and quite thoughtless. If she hadn't put the children on I would have assumed she just wanted 'his' family. I would let your dh have a quiet word with her. He could just say, we love your eulogy but it would mean alot to us if 5inthebed was mentioned too as she was a part of his life and loved him like the rest us.

Oh and you are definitely entitled to feel like this.

You are not being unreasonable. It sounds odd and deliberate.

I think Moondog is probably right. Can you take some flowers to the grave. Say your own goodbye.

You have nothing to berate yourself for, how you feel is normal. Remember that people can act strangely after a bereavement, she may be feeling angry and by excluding you is venting in some bizarre way.

I've already told DH not to bring it up again, as she is still raw from his death. I wouldn't want to upset her any more than what she is. But I do feel sad she didn't mention me , regardless of my SIL or not.

I am trying my hardest not to let it get to me, maybe I'm just overtired and possibly have PND so the littlest things are getting to me.

Me and DH are going to go to the garden of rememberance at the crematory on his anniversary.

I've stopped trying to figure out how people react to death, since my dad passed away last year. There often seems to be no clue as to why they would say, do or appear to think of spiteful things.

Even if your DH had a word, and you ended up on the announcement, it wouldn't really help would it, because you still wouldn't know why she'd done it? I don't know if this makes sense, but aren't you upset about the fact that she left you off, rather than not being on a newspaper notice?

I think you either need to ask her again in a more controlled moment (ie by yourselves, and no way of being distracted), or let it go and remember how you feel, your relationship with him, and so on. It says something about other people (ie your mil or sil) but nothing about you. Most importantly, you and your DH know what you meant to your FIL.

J

sorry, x-post.

I understand both sides of this. She has kept it to immediate blood relatives, i think its the norm. But if you were close then i can understand why you feel hurt.

Simply remedied, there is no law saying you can only have one "eulithingy" send one in for your family yourself, you, DH and the children. Just say to your MIL that you completely understand her wanting one like she has but felt you wanted to remember your FIL publicly too. I think she will be quite touched by that.

I am more upset about her leaving me off than having my name in the paper. I don't understand the need to put it in the paper tbh, but it is something that my MIL wants to do, so I respect her wishes for that. I wouldn't put one in the paper from me and DH for that reason. I don't feel it does any good doing it.

Thank you all for your insights.

The 'In Memoriam' notices I see usually mentione being a much loved dad and grandad rather than FIL,
They are his blood relatives you are.However fond you were it is not the same thing

These entries are comparatively rare and really the people who put them in are are reallly doing it for themselves - that is not a criticism, but it certainly is not anything about the deceased. If your mother in law was really concerned about her husband's memory she would not be putting an expensive entry in a newspaper but would perhaps be hosting a little gathering to share memories and giving some money to his favourite charity instead. As her motivation is to do something for herself it is probably best not to let it get to you.

Remember, you where there when he needed you. You nursed him, you loved him, you held his hand as he passed away.

Let this business with mil go. Bereavement can do strange things to people.

I do think it's the norm to include only children and grandchildren tbh. Don't take it personally, I'm sure it's not meant that way.
YANBU, but neither is your MIL, at least not deliberately.
I'm sure your family know and appreciate how much you cared for him, as did he, and that's what matters.