Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To say no to ds1 going to the soft play today?

26 replies

TheLadyEvenstar · 20/02/2009 11:28

he has been rude and naughty all morning the plans were made on monday to go out today and tbh all week he has been naughty, Today he has been really bad and ignorant,openly admitting he had deliberatly ignored me. My mum calls to see what time i am going to meet them and i say i am not ds1 is not allowed to go because of his behaviour. She then shouts at me tells me how i am unfair to ds1, expect too much of him, and ask him to do too much. I ask him to clean his room and bring his washing out, and load the dishwasher. He volunteers to do the babies nappies as i pay him for rinsing them.

Am i wrong?

OP posts:

singalongamumum · 20/02/2009 12:15

How old is your DS?

Wizzska · 20/02/2009 12:24

Don't let your mum undermine you and give what you think is appropriate discipline for your DS. Does not sound too unreasonable to me. You could arrange another day if he starts behaving better.

Geepers · 20/02/2009 12:30

I think you have major issues with your DS1, and it does sound as though you expect a lot from him from reading your posts on here.

Remember that he is a 10 year old boy. Burning off his energy at soft play may be what he and you both need.

It's a mistake to get into a never-ending round of punishments and negativity. I made the same mistake with my own first son and it only did harm.

Geepers · 20/02/2009 12:31

I should also say that I don't think any child should deal with his siblings nappies, paid or not.

VinegarTits · 20/02/2009 12:49

What exactly has he done?, you say naughty, what has he done to be naughty?

I agree with Geeprs about the nappies

singalongamumum · 20/02/2009 12:51

Ok, so 10. You're not wrong to give your DS consequences for his bad behaviour- he is old enough to know better. But it is more likely to improve his behaviour if you use a clear system of earnings followed by a pre defined consequence (if I warn you 3 times and you continue, you lose 5 minutes of your TV time/ computer time).

The problem with taking away a whole treat is that he will resent you, it's not consistent as sometimes there's no treat to take away and time with grandma is precious and important time, whatever else is happening.

Also, if you really struggle with his behaviour an equally consistent reward chart will help. A star on a chart for every love 5 minutes/ half hour/ hour. 10 stars is 5 minutes extra TV time/ a cuddle with mum/ a phone call to grandma etc etc.

If children are dealt with in an inconsistent way then they stop playing the game and behave in a more challenging way more of the time. If your son thinks you're inconsistent (even if you don't agree that you are) he needs something more explicit to help him understand the rules/ consequences. HTH.

singalongamumum · 20/02/2009 12:52

that should be "lovely 5 mins...."

Pheebe · 20/02/2009 12:53

We have a rule in our house that consequences (hate the word punishment for a start) are specific to the person and immediate. This means that planned family trips and never used as a threat and we don't all suffer because one of us is 'naughty'. So yes, I think you probably are being a bit unreasonable.

Trips to soft play etc are also a good opportunity to 'restart' and move on from whatever happened previously. As adults its up to us to redirect bad behavior rather than allow a cycle of bad behavior-punishment-bad feeling-more bad behavior to develop.

Your mum may have a point but I don't think she communicated it in the right way. Personally at 10 years I don't think you're expecting too much of him based on your OP (except the nappies, but heyho if he's happy with that). However, general 'bad' behavior shouts to me that there's underlying issues here - boredom (tis half term), not enough one-on-one 'mum' time, worried about something at school...

Fimbo · 20/02/2009 12:54

I agree with the others regarding the nappies. My dd is 10 and keeps her room tidy and that is about it.

belgo · 20/02/2009 12:57

why on earth do you pay him to do the nappies?

Agree with what someone else said, he needs to go to soft play and use up his energy. Is he bored do you think of being at home?

belgo · 20/02/2009 12:58

I mean I don't think he should be doing the nappies at all. (and why do you have to rinse them? I use washables and never rinse them.)

VinegarTits · 20/02/2009 13:01

Let him go to soft play as others have said, if all he has done is been rude and ignored you its probably because he is bored, not the crime of the century, he will probably be a happier, brighter boy after you come back

Icanseethesea · 20/02/2009 13:02

I agree about the nappies, but the other things he should be able to do, he is part of the household and should be doing his bit. My 7 year old ds keeps his room tidy and hoovers, the dds are supposed to keep their romm tidy , also unload the dishwasher and do some of the very basic housekeeping. I am not sure you should have denied him the soft play trip cos you probably all need to get out of the house., but you need to stick to your guns now, if you back down he will know that you don't follow through with consequences.

nickschick · 20/02/2009 13:04

I think 10 is very young for all those chores and the nappies had me a bit tbh - having said that I know different families work different ways so its what works for you - sounds as though this isnt working for you though,I think you are being unreasonable not going to soft play and I think a 10 year old boy needs lots of opportunities to burn off his energy and to be a child cos thats what he is.

The 'naughtiness' you speak off to me as a mum of 3 sons makes me think hes bored and needs to have a good old burn up of energy - what else has he done this half term?
I know activities cost money im still bruised in my pocket from visiting the fair this week but boys really do need muddy walks and trees to swing around in and just an environment to be 'free' in.

nickschick · 20/02/2009 13:07

I just looked at your pics your sons are gorgeous - how much did your baby weigh? he looks so tiny yet perfect (v broody emoticon)and you look a lot better than me soon after delivery lol

AnnVan · 20/02/2009 13:08

I don't think those chores are too much to ask tbh. And if he volunteers to do the nappies as he gets the extra cash then I don't see a prob with that either.

MollieO · 20/02/2009 13:21

Am I the only one to think that 10 is a bit old for soft play place?

Geepers · 20/02/2009 13:22

MollieO how old is your eldest DC?

Of course 10 isn't too old. Children grow up so quick, the longer they do soft play the better.

VinegarTits · 20/02/2009 13:26

Well op hasnt come back so lets hope they all went to soft play and had a nice time

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 20/02/2009 14:25

I am back, we didn't go to the soft play but we did go and meet mum, sis and 2 nephews afterwards. DS1 has gone home with my sis and 2 nephews I will be collecting them all later.

How is cleaning his room and bringing his washing out, loading the dihwasher and voluntarily doing the nappies too much? He doesn't have to hoover his room just clean it up.

Geepers I do have issues with him and they are his behaviour.

OP posts:

plonker · 20/02/2009 15:14

Blimy, I must be a dragon if those chores are too much!! My 5yo has to clean her room and bring her dirty washing out, as well as tidy up after herself if she makes a mess anywhere else.
My 9 does all those things too, plus help me sort the washing etc. I don't for a minute feel that its too much.

As for the nappies, if he is volunteering to do them, I really can't see the prob.

Back to OP - no, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. If my dd's play me up and are badly behaved, they don't get treats. Why should they? To me it is re-inforcing those behaviours. I don't think YABU at all.

plonker · 20/02/2009 15:16

Oh and MollieO - it depends on the soft play place. We have some that tbh you wouldn't take a child over the age of 5 to, and others that would be suitable up to teens

PuppyMonkey · 20/02/2009 15:22

I thought the same as MollieO actually - think it's cos you described it as "soft play" which makes it sound like it's for toddlers.

He sounds like a great help around the place anyway!

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 20/02/2009 15:24

Puppy he can be lol he decided he wanted to do the nappies and i decided to give him 25p per nappy he does lol.

OP posts:

PuppyMonkey · 20/02/2009 15:30

Bargain imho

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread