to not want exP to take our 5mth dd to spend the day with his gf....

[alandimi]

..... when I haven't met her yet, don't really want to and am not really interested in doing so? (nothing against her, although she is everything I'm not and even though I don't ever want to get back with exP it just kind of reminds me that I'm not what he wants).

I know I am probably being unreasonable but I just don't like the idea of them playing happy families with MY dd and him posting pics of 'his girls' on facebook or using a photo of the gf and dd together as wallpaper on his phone (which I know he would do).

I know they've got to meet as some point and dd probably won't even remember spending the day with them at this age but I don't want the gf hugging and kissing my dd or being looked after by someone I don't know.

Me - Possessive, irrational, jealous? probably but it just really grates on me.

Any advice on how to handle this. I want exP to have some time with dd as we are moving north next week and he won't see her so much but I'm just not happy about him taking her to spend the day with the gf.

ok forgive me here if im out of turn but is it...

he didnt want a child, he didnt want the sort of person you are... (in your words)

... and now he wants to play the dad with the sort of person he wanted?

if thats the case, my god I can understand how distraught you must feel.

i went through this with my ex... he actually left me in the hospital alone with contractions at 27 weeks and when he wanted to have DS at his GF house i was a mess.

but.. she turned out to be totally lovely, i could have been good friends with her if exP hadnt messed up his relationship with her.

try and think that your DC will have 'extra' special people in her life, which although hard for you, has to be good for her.

I've not read the whole lot, but from the OP, I feel so terrible for you. I wouldn't even let MIL or SIL near my DS when he was younger (he's 5 months now and he is PFB) so he certainly wouldn't have been with a woman I didn't like. It's just a feeling you have as a mother.

I think you should talk about it on here as much as possible. It may be worth you meeting exP's gf in order to feel a little more comfortable about it all.

You will always be your LO's mum, and your DC will love you best. She's just some woman. Try to remember that, though I know it must be difficult for you. Leave very strict instructions that they must not deviate from (such as routine) so that you are still in charge when you're not there.

Have a very unmumsnetty {{{HUG}}} from me. It will get easier in time.

Sorry, DS is 9 months now, not 5 months.

Mankymummy - what a git your exP is!

ExP and I have had a chat and I tried to explain how I felt. I am meeting the gf on sunday. According to exP the gf isn't remotely interested in being a mother to my dd but he wants her to understand this part of his life and he knows that when dd is with him she is his responsibility and no-one else's.

Deep breath, put on a smile.....!

Thanks for the advice/support. x

totally see how you FEEL, unfortunately it is the way things go in this situation and if hes a good dad and you know DD is well looked after then you have no choice but to accept it and try to turn it into a positive ie. time for yourself. You definitely have a right to meet her though, I had to meet my husbands ex when we first started going out even though I really didnt want to, am now a stepmother of two lovely kids, I never see myself as another mum but i do think they get alot out of our relationship as i do. it aint always easy, my husbands ex makes no secret of the fact she loathes me and its really unfair on the kids. hope thats food for thought, good luck with it all.

Good luck for tomorrow alandimi... let us know how it goes.

I think dads should be able to introduce who they wish to their children in the same way that mums can. Being female shouldn't give you a right of veto or anything. You are lucky in having your daughter with you most of the time and not being likely to have your ex saying "oh I don't think I want my princess meeting your boyfriend yet". Neither of you should be vetoing what the other does when they are with your child unless it is harmful to the child. A 6month long girlfriend isn't just a casual fling. If she does become your daughter's stepmother then surely it's best for your daughter to develop a bond with her. She will never replace you though. I've never tried to tell my ex where he can go/ who he can meet (apart from overseas trips that we both have to agree on) with our kids and he has never tried controlling me. If you share parenting with someone you don't live with even on an every other weekend basis then you do lose some control over your children and have to accept that as the price you pay for your children having a good relationship with the other parent.
Yes its understandable that you find this hard, but to refuse to let his daughter see him if his girlfriend is there would be controlling and selfish.
My kids have a good relationship with their dad's partner and I'm glad he has someone who makes him happy so my kids have a happy well balanced dad.