to be f(*&ing annoyed that my mum cannot visit without inviting half her siblings along

[SalBySea]

I am so fed up with it. My mum lives in another country (short haul) and when she visits she books up every day with seeing other family members who live in the UK. I am supposed to be:
A: either entertain these people or drive her to meet them even though I dont like them
B: not be peeved that we dont get to spend any quality time with her on our own
C: be TOLD not ASKED who we are seeing and when, and told that they will be expecting DH to take time off work to be there too

Its not fun! she'll be here for 4 days and I will have to spend that time running from pillar to post so she can see other people

For example: She mentioned that she wanted us to meet up with a certain sister of hers (who is a nasty, critical beatch) She said that this sister wants us to go to X restraunt in my local town. I said no, that that place gave me food poisoning and at 32 weeks pregnant I will not risk it. I said, how about I drive to Y (city half way between us) on saturday and we have lunch. It suits me to meet somewhere neutral as I dont want her comming to my house as it is being redecorated and I could do without the nasty digs about the state of it. The sister has just sent an email saying that she is comming on Sunday and has booked a table at X restraunt.

I said I dont want to eat there (there are tonnes of alternatives)
I didnt invite her to visit
I never said I was free on sunday
I hate my mum visiting cause I invited HER! just her! but every time, each day of her visit is taken up with other people
I am sick at being TOLD by people who I didnt invite that they are comming to visit whether it suits me or not

Am I being OTT and hormonal? I am furious!

Poor you, I think you need to tell your mum you want to spend time with HER not everyone else, she is being rude at the very least to expect you to be hotel,taxi,maid and your poor husband to be told to take time off as well is really not on.
If you do not make a stand she will use you as a doormat forever, Tell her if she wants to come visit other family to go stay with them not you, and stop inviting her for a while, and be busy is she suggests a visit.

Have you suggested to your mum that you would like sometime just her you and the dc's?? if so then YANBU but if you haven't discussed it with her you can't expect her to mind read.

However expecting your dh to take time off work for a royal visit is a bit much my jury's out atm....

espiecially as we visit my gran in much the same way, (use it as a base to see other local rellies..... but she doesn't have to run us about/ come with us !!!!

yes I've told her

She knows how I feel about it and is always apologetic when she tells me about the arrangements AFTER they are made (so she knows it wont go down well). If I put my foot down and say it just doesnt suit she says that I have to tell them that I dont want them to visit, she wont un-arrange it herself

I dont mind it sometimes, its the full itinary that bugs me coupled with the being TOLD that arrangements that include me (and my DH and my home) have been made rather than being asked first.

Think that if you have told her then you are well withing your rights not to be used as a cheap taxi.

Don't block everything just a couple ( the ones you really don't want) with "well I'm sorry but I've already made other plans, you'll have to make you're own way" and leave it up to her to arrange. If she presents you with fait accompli she cannot expect you to drop everything, especially if you have already spoken about it.

Oh and DO make other plans (even if just visiting a friend).

Oh and don't be blackmailed by the you have to tell them SHE made the plans SHE can unmake them NOT YOU'RE PROPBLEM!!!! (don't be bullied)

YOUR {blush}

I'm not against her seeing ANYONE but us, am happy to make arrangements to meet up with other family members she wanted to see on Monday cause that actually SUITS us. Its the bloody sister who's arriving on Sunday that I think its really taking the piss considering we are ALREADY taking up other days of her visit with other family.

Have told DH to put himself on call on Sunday so he'll have to stay home near his work stuff - she'll only be rude to/about him anyway (she's just generally rude)

maybe she doesnt like hanging out with us on our own for a whole day at a time

She has never, ever visited EVER without inviting other people along. Not once.

Don't drive her around. Tell her that you are not her taxi, that she is free to make any arrangements she wants, but you will not ferry her around and she is not to include you in them. And stay firm to that. She is using you - you do know that, don't you?

If I dont drive her she invites them to my home instead

I wouldnt mind her using our place as a base and going off to see whoever on her own, but she always includes us in the arrangements

If I stay with her I do see friends who live near her, but I dont invite people to her home for her to entertain and get myself there and back (and also check with her if she's anything planned for us first). Also, if I'm staying with her I dont spend more time with others than with her

i was looking forward to seeing her - I would like if we could do some stuff together.

If it was me at 32 weeks pg, I would nicely be saying that I have a lot going on at the moment with the place being decorated, and feeling a bit tired etc, cannot cope with the additional stress of extra visitors. You have to take care of yourself just now and the last thing you need is a tonne of stresses regarding a nasty old Aunt.

Don't think she necessarily thinks of it as using you but is treating you as a child. Arranging your schdule and you'll do as she says or else!!!

I would just refuse to go along or to ring up and cancel. SHE should unmake the arrangements since she made them. I would say that you won't be coming on Sunday and you won't be able to drive her so she will need to book a taxi or similar.

How often does she visit? Next time you invite her - if there is a next time - I would say up front that you want this visit to be different and for her to spend some quality time with you. Also, you will not be able to run her here and there (surely you can argue that with ? DCs now it just isn't practical) to meet other people. Get her to agree to that before she comes and then you can refuse any requests with a clear conscience. If she won't agree, then say something like, 'oh, well, maybe now's not a good time, let's leave it for a while..', and make sure she knows it has to be different if she comes again.

the funny thing is though - she doesnt seem to enjoy the running around to see everyone either. She seems to see it as a duty, she's like a martyr about it! she seems to think that if she's in the country she HAS to get around everyone, even if she's only in the country for a few days.

I'm kinda hoping that when the baby arrives she might be distracted by it and WANT to prioritise her time on her visits to us a bit better.

This will be the last pre-baby visit

Sorry hadn't read properly at 32 weeks pregnant you can pretty much have free rein to tell her No, she will not be able to use your house as a meeting point as you are TOOO tired to deal with that amount of visitors MOST DEF NU

PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN !!!!

On this occasion I would tell her that you're not going as you are not risking food poisoning and point her in the direction of the number of a local cab firm.

well I've spoken to her

I will go for lunch on Sunday, without DH, but not to the dodgy restraunt.

might sound like a bit of a wimpout but I see it as choosing my battles, I'll give her this one (on some of my terms) but will not see anyone unless we say it suits us when the baby arrives. I think hope that giving her an inch now will make it easier when I put my foot down then.

You're not wimping out. It's difficult when the issue is with your mum. Sometimes, just getting it off your chest makes you feel better, now you can just get on with the visit.

well done, small steps and all that