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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be feeling sorry for myself?

22 replies

mylifemykids · 18/02/2009 22:21

I'm fully prepared to be told I ABU but wanted an unbiased view on it all!

DH started a new job the middle of last year. He now works away 4 days a week. We have 2 children (nearly 2 and nearly 4) and not one person offers to help me out. My parents live 5 minutes walk away, MIL lives 10 minutes drive away and the rest of the family are all within 5 minutes drive away (and there's a lot of them). I'm shattered and nobody seems to care. DH said he will have a word with his mum but I've told him not to because then it'll seem like I can't cope. I know I'm being unreasonable expecting them to read my mind but I just feel so let down. DH does feel bad about it but it's really not his problem because he's away and it's out of his hands. DD is ill this evening though and his phone is switched off so I can't even talk to him. I want to cry!!!

Damn wine!!!!

OP posts:

Spaceman · 18/02/2009 22:23

What is it you actually feel like you need help with?

scrooged · 18/02/2009 22:24

Can you not ask them for some help????

Original poster

mylifemykids · 18/02/2009 22:25

I don't really 'need' help I suppose. I just wish they'd think to offer to cook or have the kids occassionally i guess. I know I'm being selfish but my family and in laws seem to think we're a close family but I'm just not seeing it!

OP posts:

BarcodeZebra · 18/02/2009 22:26

Same here except our parents live hundreds of miles away and can't help even if we asked.

Why don't YOU ask? The answer to your problem is 5 mins away.

Original poster

mylifemykids · 18/02/2009 22:27

Pride I guess!! My mum thinks we're really close but, like I said, I don't think we are. But am I expecting too much thinking she should KNOW I want some help?!

OP posts:

giantkatestacks · 18/02/2009 22:27

Yes have you actually asked them to help out?

Why dont you just call one of them tomorrow and invite all of you over for lunch or some such? Its not a question of coping.

giantkatestacks · 18/02/2009 22:28

Yes - I think you are expecting too much - especially if you like to give the impression that you dont need any help - you cant really have it both ways.

Spaceman · 18/02/2009 22:29

I get frustrated because my MIL never offers any help and my own ma is miles away. I think, speaking to a lot of my friends, that there are many parents out there with relatives down the road who don't ever offer to help. There's this whole fear that they are interferring.

I invited my MIL over this weekend when my DH was working. I sat her down with the kids and got on with my jobs. It was nice to just have her around while I got on with stuff. She'd NEVER offer to help me otherwise.

MumtoCharlieandLola · 18/02/2009 22:29

What do you do mylife, do you work. What do you want people to do for you in terms of helping you out ??

Original poster

mylifemykids · 18/02/2009 22:30

Yep that's exactly my problem. I like to pretend I can cope when in fact I'd like some adult company and some relief!

Like I said I know I ABU but need a kick up the arse to speak out!

OP posts:

MumtoCharlieandLola · 18/02/2009 22:30

ooops, sorry just read your second post again.

debs40 · 18/02/2009 22:31

I think you have to ask if you need or want help. People generally aren't very good at offering unless they know for sure their assistance is required.

Both my parents are dead and dh's elderly mum lives 300 miles away.

If I had people on my doorstep, I would ask.....and then moan if they said no!

scrooged · 18/02/2009 22:32

FFS, I'm a single mum, I have no one. The people I do ask for help either let me down or turn their backs so I do everything. I'm sure if you call and ask them they will help you. They can't read your mind and are too busy to stop and think 'hmm, my life's dh has one away, maybe she needs some help', sorry, this rarely happens.

Just phone them up if you need a break.

smellyeli · 18/02/2009 22:34

My mum and MIL presume I'm coping unless I ask. In fact, asking for help doesn't mean you're not coping. It means you ARE coping - you know what needs doing and you are delegating it to preserve your family life. Be specific, and no-one will think you are not coping. Ask people to maybe have one of the children occasionally so that you can do something special with the other? Play shamelessly on their emotions - 'DC loves going shopping with you'. Explain to your mum that you would like an hour or two a week to do paperwork etc? YANBU to think that some help should be forthcoming, but you may have to ask!

Ashantai · 18/02/2009 22:34

Yeah i think you will have to ask your family, they seem a little like mine who also live 5 mins away by car but have offered once to have the kids! My eldest is 11 fgs!

On the rare occasions that i have asked them, its felt like going up to them with my begging cap in front of me!

I have such for my friends who always seem to have a family member offering to take their kids for a while. One grandparent even took their grandkids abroad for 2 weeks to give their parents a break!!

Also i guess they arent mindreaders and not realise that you could do with a night off. Mine on the other hand have had so many hints, that the only cause of action was to say "please have your grandkids for the night if only to spare my sanity!!"

mej3 · 18/02/2009 22:35

I don't think YABU to hope that someone may offer a wee bit help now and then. Or an invite for you and dc across for a meal. It does not have to be massive gestures of help, but just a bit of company incase you are feeling a bit lonely, especially since they all live so near. Surely, if you are a close family, the fact that your dh is now working away should make them aware that dc is now your responsibility, and you would appreciate a wee bit support.

wrongsideof40 · 18/02/2009 22:35

YABU - ask for help - you are probably coming over as far too capable ! -

Notintheknow · 18/02/2009 22:37

mylife, I completely understand what you mean. You just want to not have to ask!! But, unfortunately, I'm learning it doesn't work that way and you have to be specific about what you would like help with. Perhaps say to your Mum/MIL that you are really keen to blah blah on a Wednesday afternoon/Friday night/Monday morning and would they be able to watch the kids for a few hours. You've got enough people living near you that you should be able to gain a few hours a week...

pellmell · 18/02/2009 22:40

Could you be (un-intentionally) shutting them out iykwim?
Your posting name although possibly coincidental might be indicative of your personality...... Could be a clue?
I am terrible for doing this by the way

whatamithinking · 18/02/2009 22:50

could you not invite them over for coffee/lunch and just mention that its nice to have adult company and you should do it more often as you get quite lonely with dh being away a lot. also if you mention that it would be 'helpful' to be able to go shopping/get some tidying some etc they will probably offer to look after your dc. if they are anything like my parents they are always worried about interfering so dont actually offer but are always happy to help and feel useful if we ask them for something specific.
swallow your pride and ask!

cat64 · 18/02/2009 23:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

mylifemykids · 18/02/2009 23:12

Oh cat64 I LOVE your style!!! That is a fantastic idea. I just need the courage to follow that through!

OP posts:

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