my friend's child drives me mad!

[notperfectmum]

I have some great friends with children similiar age as my two (1 and 4). One friend however lets her DS (4 yo) run wild, hitting other children, throwing toys etc generally I'm sure for attention. I know others have started avoiding them and I'm tempted too but really like my friend. What to do?

Oh I have a friend with a horribly behaved child who bullies my youngest. I just won't let him now and will tell him off even if my friend is there...I know I shouldn't but if she won't...

mmmm, as long as my dc were ok, I'm not sure I would say anything, if you want to remain friends.If my dc, did anything like that infront of her, I would tell them off which also let's her see that you don't find it acceptable. But, she may not find that type of thing no big deal. Boys will be boys type attitude. Shame though, if she starts to lose friends.

Gasp loudly?

Its a hard one I've had this problem and for a while felt bad for telling my ds to stop doing something she found acceptable behaviour, as if I was making her look bad IYSWIM. She even used to ask me to tell her son off!
I try only to meet her at softplay now where there's lots of running round and his wild ways can be absorbed somewhat rather than him causing a scene in a cafe in town.

YANBU! Completely sympathise as my best friend's dd has become a nightmare over past year. She really bullies my dd (who is younger) and is really sneaky about how she goes about it, my friend is quite oblivious to it, thinks her dd is an angel. Other friends have noticed too. I looked after her with my own dd for a day a month or so ago and when I caught her being really mean to my dd I told her off (her mum had given me free reign to tell her off if any naughtiness took place). I think (know) I was a bit scary as she has been much, much better since whenever we've been there. Don't know how long it will last but seems to have done the trick for now.

Something I've done when I've had other friends at mine and one of their children is being badly behaved is to say things like "We don't throw/hit/shout in this house" or say to my dd "just ignore xxx he/she is being silly". Don't think that my friends have been offended (well we're still friends!) but it depends on how you think your friend would react. Whatever you do though don't speak to your friend about it! I know someone who did this and the frienship was ruined. People either can't see the bad in their own kids or will take it as criticism of their parenting skills.

Maybe he'll grow out of it though, must be going to school this year (?), the teacher will sort him out!

???? Whys should teachers sort this out???
It should be sorted at home grrrr!

I do sympathise as i have had this situation several times at various stages of my 3 dcs' social lives. I actually started a thread a while back about one particular situation and the general response seemed to be to stay out of it as only the mother knows their own child and my friend could have felt bad about her parenting skills etc etc.

But...I do think the culture in UK is very much to not have any business with anyone else's child. It's almost taboo. We have been fortunate to live in other countries which are much more direct. People would tell my child off and I could tell theirs off and it was all ok between us. You could ask a friend to please not let their little angel drive hot wheels cars along the priceless antique dining table without offence being caused. Quite refreshing really.

My general approach is now "my house - my rules". I have a thing about kids walking around with food. One family in particular who comes over lets their kids turn bowls of popcorn over in front of the TV if they want to - but they absolutely are not allowed to do that in my house....and they know. Probably see me as a right wicked witch, but I've got better things to do than hoover up popcorn.

Makes me feel better to know others have had similiar problems. My DH says I should say something or even tell him off when he punches DD. I think soft play may be the answer although chasing after 1 yo means no time to talk! My friend is a stay at home mum and tells me she feels quite isolated - this just makes me feel worse!

You should tell him off without a second of a doubt. And if it makes your friend notice that it is unacceptable behaviour so much the better.

Thanks shineon, that's exactly what I meant!

I feel sorry for your friend's ds. he'll find himself without any friends because he's not been disciplined properly from a young age.

i have a friend with a dd like this. she hits and bullies other kids. she hasn't picked on my ds yet but if she does i'll be having words!

i'd just be inclined to tell him off! Your friend may not like to discipline her son in public in case you think she is a monster mummy. I have a friend who's daughter is a little bugger and i have told her off at her house, and at another mums house as her behaviour was out of order - throwing food, despite the lady whos house it is asking her not to (shes 4 and bright so should know better). Her mum I must admit was out of the room but doesn't really have much effect on her - a child is raised by a village. I would be equally happy if someone told my DD off, and im sure it will come, my DD still hasn't found her feet socially so im sure i have this to come.

OMG, you HAVE to tell him not off when he hits your dd, otherwise your dd will think that you're allowing him to hit her.
Do sympathise though.

I went round to a lovely friend's house this week for my dd to play with her ds and was left with the same dilemma.
I really like the friend and my dd was so excited to go to play with the little boy but after 2 hours of him ruining every game his mum got for them to play, tantrumming, screaming, wrestling her (which was fine but then crossing over into deliberately hurting her which was not), hitting me as he ran past when i was sitting on the floor, both of us were fairly unsure if we wanted to go back. I left my opinions unspoken but my dd voiced hers on our way home! My dd also got fairly cross at being told off (by me) for things i felt were unacceptable or dangerous whilst her pal was not told off at all and it was in his house - the indignation!

I think he just gets very over-excited and maybe will calm down as they get older but i think for now i might just stick to letting them play in the park after school where they generally get on fine. Gutted though as the mum is good company!

cat64 - I think her DS is "boisterous" and I'm inclined to think it comes from within too. Her DS2 is a sweetheart. I'm going to set some house rules when we they come to visit later this week. Wish me luck!

My best friend is the same with her DS. In fact, she is always saying how people think he's nasty but he's just spirited - he might be spirited but he's a nasty little wotsit and very spiteful but she seems oblivious. My DS now dosn't like playing with him and moans if he is coming round.

I have a friend who I adore. She is funny, sharp and always makes me laugh - except when she has her child with her. Then I can hardly bear her. I have known her for years and years and we have a lot of history. The trouble is her child can do no wrong but is actually pretty spiteful. Her DD happens to be tiny for her age (but v.bright), she gets away with bloody murder.

Its got to the point where I dread them coming round. I still love to meet her for a drink tho.

So no YANBU IMO.

I think these things always cause problems between friends unless you can be very upfront about it. One of my good friends has a nightmare ds whom she is always making excuses for. My ds doesn't want to play with him anymore and will say so. She really doesn't see how manipulative he is being. He will go and sulk if he doesn't get his way the whole time, which involves her spending ages trying to coax him out of the sulk and not spending any adult time at all. Then he looks at me with a wee glint in his eye....the wee bugger....