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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Its about a funeral.. help

17 replies

marmon · 18/02/2009 15:53

My dh Uncle sadly died last week from cancer, it was expected and he was getting old and in alot of pain. The funeral is next Tuesday and we have found out that my in-laws have invited my DH ex wife who only met this man once and that was on there wedding day 14 years ago, to top that they phoned the ex about funeral arrangements before they contacted my dh there own son!

My husband is not happy and feels weird about it as do i but what can you say its a funeral and we are supposed to be there for the immediate family. My dh ex is very manipulative and has caused lots of trouble, even though she left my dh for someone else! She is a control freak and a complete sociopath i must admit i have never met anyone like her, my dh parents think she is wonderful and have never bothered to get to know me, infact my father-in-law has called me by her name before! What do i do? Should i go and front it out or should i stay away and let actions speak louder than words. I feel awful as this is a funeral of a lovely man and its not about us but i think its strange she is coming, personally i would send some flowers or a donation if i was her and pay my respects that way, its almost as if she is doing it to say "look at me i am still in with his family", i wouldnt mind but in the past she has done nothing but run them down. Help ladies

OP posts:

madlentileater · 18/02/2009 15:56

ignore her.
go, as you had been planning to do.
Maybeyour dh's parents know something about r'ship between ex and uncle which you don't?

brimfull · 18/02/2009 15:56

go and be polite,ignore any bitching
..and be stunningly gorgeous of course

tiredlady · 18/02/2009 15:59

Go. Pay your respects. Ignore the Ex. Stay as far away from her as you can. It will be harder for her to stir, if you avoid her all day

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 18/02/2009 16:00

Go - it's for a lovely man, as you say. Be searingly polite. It'd only give her ammunition if you don't go.

Oh, and it wouldn't hurt to look drop-dead-gorgeous

Original poster

marmon · 18/02/2009 16:01

ggirl, that is exactly what my Mother said. The uncle and ex had no relationship,we do know that, she had not seen him since her wedding day to my dh. She does like to be centre of attention, maybe thats it!

OP posts:

flimflammum · 18/02/2009 16:07

You're not seriously considering staying away, are you? YANBU to think it's weird that she's invited, but that's the hosts' and her problem. I guess it's awkward for your DH too. So, as others say, just be polite but distant, and leave her to feel out of place.

Bubbaluv · 18/02/2009 16:11

Has your DH asked his parents why they would do this?

MrsGuyOfGisbourne · 18/02/2009 16:14

I do sympathise as I was in a similar postion a few weeks ago.
As other poster have said, go, look-dropdead-gorgeous-but-like-you-haven't-tried .
In my cas rthe exw couldn't be bitchy becuase there were so many other people around, and as lokng as you stay calm and serene she can't touch you. Good luck - let us know how it goes

mej3 · 18/02/2009 16:16

If I was DH, I'd be asking my parents "WTF". Especially considering she left him for someone else. She removed herself from the family when she left your dh, so why do his parents not support him and his happiness he has found with you. Just go with your head held high, and show you are there for your dh.

wilbur · 18/02/2009 16:18

Go as you had planned and rise about any stirring. Look calm and serious and totally ignore dh's ex if she is a bit of a nutter.

ChampagneDahling · 18/02/2009 17:26

I agree with all the above!

Don't let her wind you up, you are better off than she is, and if you can look drop dead gorgeous do!

Original poster

marmon · 18/02/2009 17:38

UPDATE, DH phoned ex earlier and asked why she was coming and she said its because "she is supporting DH Dad and she really likes him", I swear i nearly choked on my tea, she has only ever slagged off DH Dad and has been so too faced about him its unbelieveable. I totally agree with mej3 she left Dh therefore so she should respect his new life, yes they have a 14 year old ds together but he is not comin to the funeral so its not as if she is supporting her son, its bullshit.

OP posts:

Longtalljosie · 18/02/2009 18:16

Your DH needs to have a serious chat with his parents. They are so, so, so out of order to have invited her. Clearly she would accept - she's a cow - but he needs to remind them who their child is. And get him to tell them she's not been all that nice about them in the past. Hopefully it'll kick her off of the pedestal they put her on and they can make room for you in their lives...

KTNoo · 18/02/2009 19:01

I thought a funeral was open to anyone anyway, didn't realise you had to be invited like you do for a wedding. My dh's grandfather just died and the details of the funeral were in the paper so open to everyone who knew him and wants to come along, I assumed.

Original poster

marmon · 18/02/2009 19:57

Yeah but funerals are normally for people you have known and a place for you to remember that person. Obviously i have only met my dh Uncle a couple of times but as i assumed what they call immediate family i was going along to support my dh. Like i said earlier this is not about us this about his poor widow and there children but my dh has long since cut ties with his ex and feels uncomfortable with her turning up where quite frankly shes not wanted.

OP posts:

babbi · 19/02/2009 22:48

YANBU This is a ridiculous situation and in fact identical to one my DH and I were in 4 years ago.
Do what LongtallJosie said, my DH took his family to task for including his Ex in a funeral - though no one had spoken to her in ten years.
I hope it doesnt happen in your case but the nuclear family fallout during and after the funeral we went to was horrific.
Sorry for your loss.

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 19/02/2009 22:52

THis can only distress you and your DH if you let it. Go along to the funeral, be polite but distant to the woman and otherwise just get on with your day. Basically don't give her any importance in your lives - why should you? It's not actually that big a deal (though she is probalby hoping it will be).

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