Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

to be ttc if I am not sure?

14 replies

VeryAnnieMary · 17/02/2009 15:23

Argh!

Have been off the pill for 6 weeks, am on the Conception board, and yet am unhappy at describing myself as ttc and have moments of utter ambivalence about having a family.

Am in an "ambivalent" phase at the moment, but in a few days will be able to think of nothing but babies again.

What if I get pregnant and then am ambivalent for the next 38 weeks? Do the hormones kick in for the next - er - 18 years?

OP posts:

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 17/02/2009 15:27

I think it's very normal to be scared about the possibility of becoming a parent, and it could be that causing your ambivalence.

I would recommend being sure though, it's hard enough being a parent when it's what you've longed for without hesitation! How does your partner feel about it?

Original poster

VeryAnnieMary · 17/02/2009 15:34

Bless him, he's not the most decisive of people anyway. He'd like a family but he also likes a happy AnnieMary so has really left it to me - and put up with the "let's do it!" "let's not do it at all!" rollercoaster. Though he loves his imaginary mini-mes - they have names and habits already. I guess he really would like to have them not be imaginary.

I feel like I am being driven by hormones, by my heart rather than my head.

OP posts:

Sparklytwinkletoes · 17/02/2009 15:56

The problem with having kids, is that you don't really know how you're going to feel about them until you've got them...

Like you never quite now if you're going to like a job until you're in it, doing it...

Sometimes life is a leap of faith, have faith in your instincts, let your heart lead once in a while - you're probably more ready than you think you are, and with a supportive DP, you're already half way there

Good luck!

Sparklytwinkletoes · 17/02/2009 15:58

(I think that's my way of saying that yes, the hormones do kick in, but not for 18 years - its forever and its wonderful)

(IMO )

Helen31 · 17/02/2009 16:03

Hi VAM - Am 38 weeks today, and still have moments of ambivalence. Is a (somewhat weak, admittedly) running joke with DH that I say occasionally "remind me why we thought this was a good idea again?".

For me, it is my personality - I am not one of those super-certain people. Before we went down this road, I found it really helpful to sit down with DH and we made a "mind map" with all our questions, worries, hopes on it (sort of pros and cons), so we were able to research the things you could research (e.g. whether a particular medical condition I had was hereditary/would affect pregnancy). For us, it ultimately came back to whether or not we wanted this experience in our lives (so there was no "right" answer), but the process we went through helped to remove a lot of the background noise that I was worrying about.

It also always cheers me up to remember some research I'd read about a couple of years ago which showed that people with children were no more or less happy that people without children. In other words, most people are happy with their choices. For me, this meant that it was important to make a choice one way or the other.

Sorry for a bit of a ramble, but hope it might help you a little bit!

cornflakegirl · 17/02/2009 16:20

The decision to have my DS was made on the basis that we wanted to have kids at some point, and there was no real reason to wait. Being pregnant was fairly unpleasant. But DS is now 3 and I am head over heels in love with him. The hormones work pretty well!

MorrisZapp · 17/02/2009 16:41

I'm so ambivalent about this too it's unreal. I'm sort of ttc but only by turning a blind eye.

I think as long as you have a supportive partner then you'll be happy either way.

I look at it like this:

Come off the pill, get pregnant, have a baby, yay!

Or, come off the pill, don't get pregnant, still have lovely free time and spare money, yay!

It's a win win, for me anyway.

Original poster

VeryAnnieMary · 17/02/2009 17:17

heh - MorrisZapp that's me! - I think I must be going for it because at some level I want to - I want to know what it's like but am daunted by the finality of having a baby!

Thank you so much everyone - I've felt like such a freak and a phony until now, and of course I don't want to talk about it in RL as I'm not admitting I really am ttc. Cornflakegirl - there's a bit of "no reason to wait" for us too - I'm 34 and have run out of excuses to put it off.

Thank you thank ou thank you to you all - I love Mumsnet!

OP posts:

Original poster

VeryAnnieMary · 17/02/2009 17:18

ps Helen31 - all the best and thanks for your message too - it's hard to be a not-certain person in a world of seemingly certain types! I'll look out for your birth notice in a few weeks!

OP posts:

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 17/02/2009 17:18

Good luck whichever way you go. I will admit I am always rather glad i was spared this bit (DS was an unplanned surprise).

Original poster

VeryAnnieMary · 17/02/2009 17:27

Hey solidgold, thanks for your message - I think that is partly why I'm pretending we aren't ttc in the hope that it'll sort of happen without me having to decide. Pretty silly, huh?

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 17/02/2009 17:36

VAM that's exactly what I'm doing. Ok, so I'm not on the pill any more but I'm not in any way officially trying to get pg.

If it happens I can be all 'omg I'm pg' and be really happy. But I'm not going to meet it halfway. No, not me. I'm not a baby kind of person

thinkingabout3 · 19/02/2009 19:57

We are TTC #3 and I really don't care if it happens or not. If it does, great, if not then that's fine too.

nickytwotimes · 19/02/2009 20:04

I think for many of us, it is normal to feel the way the op does.

If you think about havign kids too much, then you'll never do it. If you are able to offer a loving home, then go for it. We are kind of trying for nno.2 now, but like the others on here, not with any real focus. If it happens, it's fantastic, if not, well, we have a lovely little boy already who brings us great joy.

Flip