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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask dh to get up to the kids once I've already been up twice in a night?

28 replies

deaconblue · 17/02/2009 11:36

I am a SAHM and he works in a demanding job with an hour's commute each way so I don't mind getting up in the night to dd or ds but last night was a really bad night. I went to bed at 9.30, got up at 10pm to dd, 12.30 dd, 1.30 ds and 3am to dd again. When she shrieked again at about 3.15 he got up. She was asleep in 10 mins, he struggled to get back off to sleep and kept both of us awake til 4am.
I got up with ds at 5.45am and dh slept til 6.30. I would consider his night's sleep a really good one at the moment, but he was in a right old grump and said he was "totally knackered" after flinging a bit of the dishwasher he'd broken across the room.
So is it unreasonable for him to get up occasionally in the night?

OP posts:
VictorianSqualor · 17/02/2009 11:40

No, it's not unreasonable for him to get up once in the night when you've been up and down like a jack-in-the-box. Not at all, I would say YABU if you had got up once or twice and expected him to do it then do a full days work out of the home, as in the home you can take it easier than normal if you're exhausted.

However, I don't think he was BU to be grumpy either, he was tired, he was grumpy, and the dishwasher had broken, I'd just let it go unless he came home and said anything else.

Kitsilano · 17/02/2009 11:46

It's really hard when you are both shattered. I don't think you're being unreasonable but it doesn't mean he's not entitled to feel a bit tired and grumpy too.

Pannacotta · 17/02/2009 11:47

No it's not unreasonable for him to get up in the night.
When I want DH to get up I don't ask him though I just fake sleep and ignore the commotion, he usually gets the idea that it is his turn.
I wouldnt get worked up about him being in a grump in the morning though, that's on par for the course after a bad night (and I speak from experience, DS2 is 21 months and rarely sleeps through the night)...

notsoteenagemum · 17/02/2009 11:47

No YANBU, When I was not working I always did two out of three wake ups, however dh usually dealt with his turn by yelling the childs name and loadly shhhing
When they went through the screaming if you left the room stage the rule was if you got back in bed before the crying started it was the other ones turn. This led to a few spraine ankles and stubbed toes though!!

nickytwotimes · 17/02/2009 11:48

Not unreasonable.
I am a SAHM and dh works ft, but we still take it in turns.

Nightcrawly · 17/02/2009 11:49

Ah, but just because you don't get out of bed doesn't mean you aren't disturbed by the children waking up. It is not unreasonable for him to get up in the night, but it is also not unreasonable for him to be grumpy. My DD is 2.8 and an atrocious sleeper, early waker, the lot. We both get grumpy.

notsoteenagemum · 17/02/2009 11:49

Sorry loudly shhhing and sprained ankles!

traceybath · 17/02/2009 11:52

I'm going to go against the grain and say that i think yabu.

I'm also a sahm and do pretty much all night wakings but DH works horrific hours and most importantly i worry about his driving if he's really tired.

You mentioned DH's commute - is that him driving?

However i would expect some help at weekends and a lie-in.

chickenfortea · 17/02/2009 11:54

hmm, I work two days a week from home and Dh has a demanding job that sometimes means he leaves home at 5.30am.
Our deal has always been I do the week he does the w/e. Sometimes during the week I will get to desperation point and ask him to get up, sometimes he does/sometimes he doesn't.
However at the weekend I am regularily poked and told "i'm exhausted" He then moans all through the day about how tired he is sigh
blooming men! You have my sympathy and I hope that things get better soon.

MrsBadger · 17/02/2009 11:59

nights like that all bets are off

YANBU to get him up
HINBU to be grumpy about it

(fwiw it seems fathers generally have more trouble getting back to sleep after settling dcs than mothers do)

sweetkitty · 17/02/2009 12:02

No YANBU I'm a SAHM and DP is out teh hosue 12 1/2 hours a day, gets up at 6am.

I BF DD3 in the night but he gets up for the other two, some nights he doesn't get up other nights he is up more than me.

Snooch · 17/02/2009 12:06

This whole getting-up-in-the-night-for-the-kids thing has always been a sore point for me. YANBU but I guess there's nothing you can do about DH moaning that he's knackered and as mentioned it's only normal to feel grumpy first thing in the morning after a bad night - just ignore it - at least he actually got up!! I work as a childminder, 10 hours a day, 5 days a week, and DH in an office job, but it's always been me who gets up in the night to see to 22 month old DS who is an incredibly bad sleeper. He'll sleep through the night once in a blue moon, otherwise on a good night wakes two or three times, on a bad one, every hour. Even though I'm nearly 35 weeks pregnant, I'm still the one getting up most nights and on weekend mornings while DH lies in until at least 9 am.....

Sorry - didn't mean to turn this into a moan... Just know that I understand what it's like to feel rather resentful in this regard!

Skimty · 17/02/2009 12:25

Another getter upper here.

He's grumpy, you're grumpy, your children are probably grumpy.

Vent here but try not to do it at home - you'll only get into a massive row.

I like notsoteenage mum's idea. It's like the best advice for making toddlers do what you want - make it into a game!!

AnnVan · 17/02/2009 13:30

I do pretty much all the night wakings, but then I'm on mat leave and DP has a 14 hour day from leaving in the morning to getting back at night. He does help out at weekends though, and very occasionally during the week, if I've had TRULY atrocious nights. We can't afford for him to lose his job.
YANBU though - Even though I know this is how it has to be, it's still hard, and I do sometimes feel resentful when I'm up and he's snoring blissfully. I feel jealous that he can go to bed when he wants. (but then he does have to get up at 6am, have a long journey to work, a long day, and another long journey home) Vent on here, it's what I do.

cheesesarnie · 17/02/2009 13:32

only twice!

i did all night wakings for 8 years.(3 different children).youngest has decided in last few months that only daddy will do at night-yes!!!!!!!!!!!i celebrate daily!

mej3 · 17/02/2009 13:47

YANBU, I am a SAHM to 3dc (all under nursery age). In our house, when DH leaves to go to work, I am fully responsible for the children and the house, and when DH returns from work, everything is split. This way, we find that we both get a bit of chill time.

tootyflooty · 17/02/2009 13:48

yanbu but neither is he. You are both knackered, why not agree a rota for the weekend, so who ever gets up in the night gets the lie in. Try and see it will only be this bad in the short term.They grow up so quickly, easy to say I know when you are out the otherside of it.

ohdearwhatamess · 17/02/2009 13:53

I deal with pretty much all night wakenings here. Dh will help out if I'm ill, or if I've gone to bed but he's still up.

He has a very demanding job, with long hours and long commute, and I don't want him being in a road accident or making a cock-up at work (where an error could easily lead to a £££ lawsuit and him being fired). A;lso don't see any point in 2 of us being tired and grumpy.

If I have a bad night I don't have to go anywhere or do anything the next day and the world won't end. Doesn't mean I enjoy it though!

ohdearwhatamess · 17/02/2009 13:57

wakings

SalLikesCoffee · 17/02/2009 14:02

Agree with most people here - YANBU, but then, neither is your dh. He got up, but moaned when he was tired. Fair enough really, we all moan when we're tired.

For what it's worth, I now work in a really stressful job again (after 10 months off) and I don't think I'm any more tired than I used to be when I was at home. It's not as if you can really sleep on demand during the day, is it? (well, I never could).

VinegarTits · 17/02/2009 14:05

Speaking from experience, driving a long commute to work and back while you are tired is quite dangerous, i would say if he has a damanding job and a long commute then YABU to expect him to get up, you wouldnt want him falling asleep at the wheel would you?? (nearly done it myself, many a time)

Can you not just ask him to get up throught the night/let you have a lie in at the weekends?

Tortington · 17/02/2009 14:08

erm no

he works out of the home and should get a fullnights sleep after all he has to impress his employers to keep his job

and whilst we all know that motherhood is the most important job - your not paid for it and quite frankly all you have to do is impress your kids - which you can do bybalancing a spoon on your nose and singing.

you could - having has a particularly bad night - switch telly on given them finger food and lie down on settee

or putthem in their rooms for an hour

or many other techniques you could use to get a it of time for yourself.

his job isn't harder than yours
his job isn't more important than yours

but at the mo - his job pays your bills
he needs his wits and skills about him to be out there in the jungle.

you can get by without them,

i would suggest that usually someone 'getting-by' at work is the person usually let go, not in ine for bonus, not looked at favourably etc.

Sassybeast · 17/02/2009 14:14

YANBU. HINBU.

Kids who don't sleep at night are bloody hard work Try not to let it become a 'huge issue'. Can you agree a compromise that on 'bad' nights he helps you out and then at the weekend you have alie in Saturday and he has one on Sunday ? Sleep deprivation is the pits and speaking from experience it can REALLY affect your relationship.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 17/02/2009 23:00

Wise words from custardo.

It's mostly me up in the night in this house, I'm BFing DS. DH is really good though and lets me lie in on the weekend. He's a natural early bird so will keep DS amused and as quiet as possible to let me get some extra sleep. Nothing much he can do about his own snoring it seems!

Snooch - your DH is a bit of an arse to not be helping you more. Can you have a lie in each at the weekend??

LuckySalem · 17/02/2009 23:06

Id say that as a SAHM you are being a little unreasonable.

Your DH works long hours and has a long commute on top so I think that during those "work days" you should do most of it.

HOWEVER, you are entitled to lie ins and nights where you have the better part of the night sleeping. So when he's not working get him to do your share

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