To expect my DH to avoid drinking in the day when he knows he turns into an abusive git

[allovertheplace]

This could be a long one but I'll try to keep it short. Background is, I'm a working mum (DD is 4). I'm lucky enough to be able to work part-time but I have a stressful job. We have no family local to us as we live 250 miles away because of DHs job and have done so for almost 10 years. I've never really settled here and would love to move back home but DH is totally against it as his family are too intrusive. So, I've been trying to make the best of it here but struggling to fit in. He works 4 on, 6 off shift patterns so invariably I have DD on my own some weekends and he gets the house all to himself in the week on the days I'm working and DD is in day care. He's a lovely bloke most of the time and does do a fair bit around the house and is great with DD.

However, when he drinks over a certain number of beers, especially in the day, he turns into an abusive and argumentative git. He doesn't in all honesty go out drinking very often but when he does he can't seem stop when he's had enough. Last time he was out, I picked him up and because I made a disapproving face when I saw how bladdered he was, he started screaming abuse at me and continued all the way home and into the house, in front of my DD and my parents who happened to be visiting. Knowing how he gets, I find the best thing is to ignore him and not rise to the bait so I did. He then squirted freezing cold water over me from the bottle he'd just taken out of the fridge before screaming at me to F*ck off back home and then he lumbered off to bed.

Next day he couldn't remember any of it, not even when he fell off a chair holding my DD. When we told him how bad he'd been he swore he'd never drink in the day again.

My beef this week is that I've taken the week off work to spend it together as a family as we don't get to do that too often. He's wanting to go out with the lads on Friday afternoon and can't understand why I'm p*ssed off! I've been on my own with DD, (who's a bit of a handful) for four days and was looking forward to a nice week with him around to help out and now I have the worry of what might happen on Friday if he goes out and does his Dr Jeckyll and Mr Hide act. He thinks I'm being unreasonable for objecting to it, and can't see why I can't move on from the last episode. I'm starting to think that perhaps he's right, but part of me also thinks that if he's insisting on us living miles away from our families, he needs to cut me a bit of slack as well! If it was a day I was working and he was off, I wouldn't mind half as much, (although would dread coming home to god-knows-what).

Am I being unreasonable? Maybe it's just because I'm tired, having been up half the night with DD who's been coughing and spluttering, (so she and I are both frazzled). He's got a knack of making me feel like a rotten spoilsport.

Message withdrawn

ITA with all that Pitchounette has said. YANBU

Well, lets be thankfull only had a bottle of freezing cold water in his hand last time - what if it had been a cup of scalding hot tea?? His behaviour is totally unacceptable, especially in front of his DD - if he has any respect for you at all he will accept that he has a serious drink problem and should stop drinking. Tell him that his DD is going to end up terrified of him as a child and hate him as an adult. Thats the bottom line really isn't it. I am all for seeing both sides of the story actually, even in the case of domestic violence (which is what this is), but this is quite simple - he can't handle his drink and therefore should stop.

He sounds very controlling anyway - i honestly have quite a bad feeling about this one and as i said, im often getting flamed for trying to see the blokes point of view - not this time.

Thanks to you both. I don't really have anyone around here to bounce stuff like this off, (since my source of support here is mainly work buddies) and my family will all be at work today, so I can't ring them - (I couldn't ring my mum anyway - she'd only worry, having witnessed the last outburst).

It's good to know that someone else sees my point of view. He seems to be saying that if I don't give him the opportunity to prove that he can drink responsibly, how can he do that? As I said, I'm happy to give him that opportunity on a day myself and DD are out anyway?! Why does it have to be during our week together in the school hols!? And the occasion? Because one of his mates is going on planned sick leave for 4 months, he's having an afternoon of boozing. Honestly!!!

I agree with LEM, obviously we only get one side of the story on here yada, yada, yada, but he does sound pretty grim. I think he may well have a drink problem, all this drinking in the day doesn't sound normal to me.

Video him drunk and play it back when he's sober.

YANBU.

I think there are two issues here - the first one being his drinking which I don't think your are being unreasonable about! If he can't handle his drink he shouldn't drink, end of! BUT surely he can go out and not drink so much? I would tell him in no uncertain terms that if he drinks too much you won't be letting him back into the house! His behaviour sounds volatile and vile, I wouldn't want someone like that around me / my child!

The second issue seems to be how much you resent him for living away, which is separate and perhaps clouding other feelings?! You need to talk about it because feeling resentful and like you've sacrificed yourself for someone will only cause trouble! Everytime he does something hurtful you will think "he can't even do X but I've had to move away for him", which is a pretty big thing to feel!

Thanks to you too LucyEllensMummy. That's exactly what I said to him this morning. Domestic violence is domestic violence, whether it happens once or all the time and whether it involves verbal or physical abuse.

I don't want to paint him out as a monster because the rest of the time, he is fairly placid and easy going, (although stubborn when it comes to big issues like moving back home!).

I would actually refuse to budge on this - his mate sounds like a right charmer! 4 months planned sick leave and is celebrating by an afternoons drinking - nice! Just tell him you are not willing for this to ruin your whole week and that he needs to put his family first. That you are not telling him he can't do his own thing, but that in this instance, his own thing is not the actions of a grown up!! He is not a child! I had to smile at his "if you don't give me chance to prove myself" speech!! I got a distinct sense of deja vu with that - The last time i heard it was from my TEENAGE daughter wanting to be allowed out with her mates, despite being grounded for getting pissed!

How old is he?

I actually did think about videoing him! He seems determined that he'll only be out for a couple of hours and actually plans to use some story about us having people coming round to enable him to dip out and come home before everyone else - what's that about? It musn't be macho to say that you can't be trusted to stop when you've had enough so you have to make up some fib to save face.

I agree that we have bigger issues that are affecting my reaction. If I'm going to make a go of things here I need to work a bit harder at making friends locally and setting up my own social network. I don't suppose it's helping that I'm a bit stuck at home with DD when we're both off. I need to find decent substitutes for the family I'd like to have around me.

He's 40!

Look - he wants to go out on friday yes? Its only Monday - despite what I said, i think you should agree to what he has offered you. But make it absolutely crystal clear that if there is a repeat performance then you will pack yours and DDs bags and leave. How many times has this happened in the past? The thing is, my cousin (male) was in a similar relationship - he couldn't handle his drink, in a big way! His GF was a tough nut and used to fight back - but one day, it all went horribly wrong - he stabbed her and she died Her family lost a daughter, he went to prison, OD'd on drugs when he got out (guilt im sure) and his children lost their father, his parents lost their son. This was a man who was the kindest person i knew when sober, had a real sense of family - respected his elders, thought the world of my mum and dad (his aunt and uncle) and was so polite and nice, you would never believe what he turned into when he had a drink . So you can see why i am worried for you - he didn't actually mean to kill her, it was never his intention - but that didn't change the fact that he did and it was almost right that he lost his own life because of it.

I do think that you need to find your own cirle of friends, christ, i feel isolated as a SAHM mum sometimes and my mum lives in the next road. The way to go is playdates - get a circle of other mummy friends (this does take time) your children can play together while you have a good chat and even arrange social outings for just mummies. You never know it might even do your DP good to get involved with a more savoury group of people.

Thanks again to you all for your support and useful input. I'm already feeling much better about it all. In fact, I'm just going to get myself and DD ready to go out for a bit of fresh air. I might call into the local craft shop and see if there are any knitting groups happening locally, (one of my passions, albeit home-based!)so that I can start to meet some like-minded people.

What a great site this is!

Thanks again

OMG LEM! What a sad story! These people just can't see how awful they're being when they're being awful - that's the trouble. I do wonder what would have happened if my parents hadn't been here last time. I hope he would have been able to restrain himself, but we'll never know!

I'll post an update later in the week!

Also.... funnily enought I did say that this was his last chance and he came back at me with a comment along the lines that I was being over-dramatic! That's when I came back with the domestic abuse line. That sent him off to bed (he'd been on night shift) muttering......

let me know how you get on with the knitting thing - there is a knitting circle around here and they meet up in the community centre where there is a cafe, we often hear lots of giggling going on, they seem a bit posh and WI for my liking though.Saying that there is a new group opening soon - its called STITCH AND BITCH!! That sounds much more up my street!

Yes, my cousins story is a sad one - i should say that he had some very deep seated issues and could probably have been considered a psychopath, or sociopath - something along those lines i'm sure. Its just a shame he looked for help in the bottom of a beer glass

It really doesn't matter whether you are being over dramatic or not - of course you are NOT!!! He just needs to know that if he repeats his performance, you'll be leaving - end of story! If he does it again then, it really does say that it wont stop!

It sounds like he has a serious drink problem. Sadly, the honest answer to Lilstarry's "BUT surely he can go out and not drink so much?" is probably, "no - he can't." That's what having a drink problem means.

As for the argument,"He seems to be saying that if I don't give him the opportunity to prove that he can drink responsibly, how can he do that?" I can't believe this is the first time you've ever criticised his drinking. So you HAVE given him the opportunity. And he's failed. Probably more than once.

It will only get worse until he stops.

He might well need some help to stop.

I say all this because I used to be like this - though thank God I didn't have a child at the time.

Happy to talk via email if you want to know anything more specific.

Sean

Thanks LEM. I have two Stitch and Bitch books! Maybe if there isn't one locally, I'll start my own!

Sounds very much like your cousin was self-medicating in a way. So very sad.

I will post an update. Thanks again for your support

Thanks for the offer Sean. I may take you up on your offer if it all goes pear shaped! There have been times when he's come back in a "merry" state and has simply just crashed out without a whimper. It seems to be that one extra drink over a certain limit that turns him into this childish, beligerent, argumentative lump! And again, we're talking the occasional night out (or day out, which his shift-working friends seem to favour). It's not even a monthly occurrence, (thank God).

I have namechanged for this.

My father first developed a drink problem when I and my siblings were teenagers and younger. He was never violent, but he was perfectly capable of being nastily abusive to our mother, to us and to throw things about, and at us. I only realised as an adult that it was alcohol causing this - we were just scared of his temper.

Now we are all grown up and he is an old man and his constant drinking has caused many rows and several serious health problems for him - but he has never seriously owned up to the depth of his problem. My mother wishes she had left him years ago, but feels she cannot do so now, as he is so dependent on her for basic health care, and he has a slow-progressing cancer.

We cannot wait for him to die, to be honest.

I can't believe your husband would want the sort of poisonous reationship with his dd that has developed between me and my father.

I long ago stopped feeling sorry for him. He chose not to get sustained and serious help for his drinking, and preferred to deny what everyone was telling him about its effect (not just his family, but many doctors). In the end we concluded he preferred drinking to having good relationships with his family. So fuck him.

I should add that his drinking started in the same way as your dh's - infrequent episodes of horrible temper that he denied or forgot about at first, interspersed with times when he just crashed out - like on holiday,or at weekends, when we were just told he was 'very tired' but clearly too tired to be bothered with us.

If he had tackled it then, he could have prevented all his family relationships turning sour.

I think you should show your DH this thread, daughterofadrinkers post is so sad and should act as a wake up call for him. That was very brave to post that

this -

"He's a lovely bloke most of the time and does do a fair bit around the house and is great with DD. "

Doesn't seem to mesh with this

"he started screaming abuse at me and continued all the way home and into the house, in front of my DD and my parents who happened to be visiting. Knowing how he gets, I find the best thing is to ignore him and not rise to the bait so I did. He then squirted freezing cold water over me from the bottle he'd just taken out of the fridge before screaming at me to F*ck off back home and then he lumbered off to bed."

lovely blokes don't behave like that. My perception is that he is NOT a lovely bloke, he is a selfish drunk who manages to pull just enough lovely out of his arse to stop you leaving for good.

The question is - why do you think it's ok to risk your little girl witnessing this awful behavior again?

How many threads have we had where the OP says, 'He's a lovely dad/bloke except when he drinks.'

Please listen to daughterofadrinker.

If he can't gets obnoxious and abusive when he drinks then he has a serious problem with alcohol. If he can't remember his behaviour because he's drunk so much then he has a serious problem with alcohol. If he can't stop drinking once he starts then he has a serious problem with alcohol. If he choses to go boozing over the valid objections of his spouse because of his past behaviour whilst drunk then he has a serious problem with alcohol.

This isn't about Friday afternoon, even though that's what he wants you to think because he's in denial.

How about you do a swap? You go to an Al-anon session on one of those days when you're both off and he stays with DD, then he goes boozing?

Then you start finding out that you're living with a problem drinker and what you can do about it to make your and your daughter's life better.