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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To force my son to do an activity?

19 replies

MrsSnape · 15/02/2009 17:45

For the past year (just over a year) me and my eldest son have been doing a karate class. I love it, it is my only hobby, the only time I go out and do anything for myself and it is very important to me.

My youngest son used to do it too but he wanted to quit (as soon as I'd bought the suit and license etc ). He was just turned 7 at the time and he has a few behavioural problems and kept getting told off. He didn't 'get on' with the authority.

Anyway the instructor said it was ok for him to sit at the side and watch/play on nintendo/read etc as I had nobody to look after him. This went well for a while but then he started taking advantage, messing around, causing disruption ... now every 5 minutes the instructor is being distracted by DS2

Obviously it can't go on. Instructor thinks I should make DS go back to training. I want to but I'm worried I am being cruel/unreasonable making him do something he doesn't want to do but really, I have no alternative. (Unless I quit which is really out of the question).

Plus, it would do DS good. It's the kind of thing he needs and its not just karate he "hates", he refuses to do ANYTHING so I think it all boils down to laziness with him.

Anyway, DS has "agreed" to train on Fridays. To make this work, I am going to have to make him train on Wednesdays too. I have nobody at all who can help me out by looking after him.

So, 2 nights a week for 2 hours each. Is it really too much to ask?

OP posts:

Ronaldinhio · 15/02/2009 17:47

For me yanbu

Make him do it. It will be for his benefit in the long run

Leo9 · 15/02/2009 17:49

Have you said to him "either you sit out nicely and entertain yourself, OR you train - your choice" ?

Original poster

MrsSnape · 15/02/2009 17:50

Thank you it's not as if I'm making him do anything horrible or bad for him is it? I'm too soft, that's the reason he is the way he is to start with

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsSnape · 15/02/2009 17:51

Leo, yes I did say that. I got told "whatever" only time he takes any notice and shows an ounce of concern is when the karate instructor tells him off. (then he looks scared to death )

OP posts:

keepingitRia · 15/02/2009 17:53

can you get the karate instructor to give him that ultimatum?

GrimmaTheNome · 15/02/2009 17:54

The discipline would probably do him good. Having said that, 2-hour sessions sound a little long for a 7 year old but if thats the way it is then there's not much you can do about it.

morningpaper · 15/02/2009 17:55

I was going to say YABU but having read your post I really think YANBU - sounds like a bit of physical discipline like that would be good for him. Good luck.

Leo9 · 15/02/2009 17:57

but if he's said 'whatever' and then carried on, has he been made to train? Agree with trying to get this to come from the Instructor!

Leo9 · 15/02/2009 17:59

I do think two hours is a HELL of a long time for a 7 yr old twice a week to be expected to entertain themselves TBH.

Could you pay a babysitter for one session per week, using the money you would have paid for two sessions? so that he can just stay home?

I do agree an activity would be great for him but clearly he does not want to do this and I don't see there is any point whatsoever in forcing him.

bigTillyMint · 15/02/2009 18:09

YANBU - get him to do it! The disipline involved in the sport should be invaluable to him.

But maybe the karate instructor could do with some support in managing his behaviour?

What successful strategies does the school / do you use that the instructor could also use?

My DS used to find swimming lessons a trial as he was getting told off all the time - being made to sit out, etc because he was unable to stand still in the water and watch and listen to the coach for any length of time. He couldn't stop himself from moving around.

We switched classes to another pool and a different instructor and BINGO! he was no longer in trouble. The instructor kept him moving all the time, introduced little competitive tasks (against own performance as well as other children) and positive reinforcement.

ssd · 15/02/2009 18:12

TBH I sympathise you haven't anyone to leave him with for this time, but I think for a 7 yr old its too long on his own, he'll mess around cos he's bored stiff

can you go to a karate class another time, eg. during school hors or at weekends?

I agree it sucks, but I don't feel your being fair on ds2

sorry

edam · 15/02/2009 18:12

ooh, make him train!

I'm normally against forcing children to do clubs and activities if they don't want to, but you have got very good reasons for doing it your way. AND that cheeky response to 'train or sit quietly, your choice' would have had my Mum reaching for the slipper - you are being very patient if the worst he has to fear is four hours a week of karate.

(However, make sure he doesn't overtake you - you don't want a cheeky, disobedient child who would win if it came down to sheer physical force!)

Kayteee · 15/02/2009 18:31

What about he trains for an hour and, if he does well, he can sit with a game/book/comic or something for the last hour? That way he'll get rid of some energy and perhaps won't find it too hard to sit quietly for the last hour? Compromise?

Original poster

MrsSnape · 15/02/2009 20:07

The instructor is great at dealing with kids. DS does as he's told when he tells him off and I think that's why he doesn't want to go, because he knows full well this man WILL make him do as he's told.

Also, thinking about it, the class on the friday is only an hour and a half. It's only wednesday that's 2 hours long.

I have a cousin who goes out drinking 3/4 nights a week leaving her child with anyone who will have her. I never do this so thinking about it in context, I really don't think IABU just to make him do a few hours of karate a week.

I just wanted some reasurance

OP posts:

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 15/02/2009 20:11

have you posted this question before? A couple of months ago?

I am not asking that to be funny but because I am having the weirdest deja vu! I am convinced this exact question has been on mn before, same words, me sitting here, kids playing with tape recorder...it's really an odd feeling!!!

And no, you can't force someone to do an activity they don't want to do. Better to find an alternative childcare solution.

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 15/02/2009 20:13

And I realise that you HAVE no other childcare solution must read properly.

AND that in the time it took me to have my prickly deja vu and post, you have confided that you didn't want advice, just reassurance. sorry.

It won't kill him to fit in, if you need him to. Don't worry.

thisisyesterday · 15/02/2009 20:22

agree with hecate lol, am sure you posted this before.

but fw2iw I do think it's unreasonable to make him do something twice a week for 2 hours that he really doesn't want to do.

rookiemater · 15/02/2009 20:28

YABU. I was forced to do piano and clarinet lessons because my Dad is into classical music. I didn't hate it and annoyingly I was good at it, but it never felt like my thing. Even worse I had to miss the debating society which I desperately wanted to go to, so I could go to my sodding music lessons instead.

You are into your karate, he isn't. At 7 I think he is entitled to have tried something and decided it is not for him. He has said he will do it once a week, that sounds like a very mature compromise on his part. Can you bribe him to keep quiet for the other night ?

LucyEllensmummy · 15/02/2009 20:33

I remember a similar post actually.

This is really difficult actually as Karate, is very disciplined and it might be too much for your DS. Is there something else that he might like to do? The old bribery chestnut - do this with me and then you can do xyz? At the age of seven there may well be something else he could do during training time? Something where he is supervised. The thing is, two hours is a LONG time and i think you are flogging a dead horse if he really doesn't want to do it - im not saying you are being unreasonable, i dont think you are - but i just wonder how you are going to resolve it?

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