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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

my sister in law

23 replies

mum2boys2girls · 15/02/2009 15:10

Hoping for lots of advice from you all !
My Dh and I have been togther for five years , I have three children from my previous marriage , one together and one on the way . My sister in law makes sure she lets my three children know that they are not related by making a really fuss of dd2 by buying her bags of pressies big cards with niece on etc It never really bothered me too much as she would give my three a gift but she is clever as she does it in small ways but I have just about had enough for ds1 in november he got £10 in a card which he was pleased with yesterday ds2 got a £5 in a card and she just writes from where in dd2 its lots and lots of love .AIBU to be upset , how would you handle it ???

OP posts:

barnsleybelle · 15/02/2009 15:14

I'm sorry but i don't really understand the bit about the cards? Want to help but could you clarify?

Upwind · 15/02/2009 15:18

YABU your DD2 is her niece
your other DC are not

do you expect your XP to treat your DD2 as his own? And for your DD2 to be treated as part of that family?

Original poster

mum2boys2girls · 15/02/2009 15:18

Well she buys really expensive ones for dd2 but very cheap not very nice ones for my others , we can of just accepted that but its getting more obvious as ds2 and dd2 birthdays are 6 days apart and its the way they are being written maybe its me being unreasonable with my pregnant hormones in overdrive

OP posts:

PlumBumMum · 15/02/2009 15:19

I understand what you mean she makes a point of buying relative crds for the dc thats actually a blood relative and lots of love
Whereas just plain and from on your dcs cards

What age are your dcs

WallOfSilence · 15/02/2009 15:19

I'd just ignore it tbh.

You'll drive yourself mad.

I remember MIL writing 'lots of love' in dd's card & just 'from' in ds's card one christmas.

And they are both her grandchildren!!

I think if you're going to mention it you must be ready for an argument.

Original poster

mum2boys2girls · 15/02/2009 15:20

Fair point upwind sometimes you need to here that but Xp has no part of our life he passed away a few years ago

OP posts:

Original poster

mum2boys2girls · 15/02/2009 15:24

my children are ds1 14 ds 12 dd7 and dd2 the boys are not bothered at all and dd1 doesn't notice its me who is bothered thats why I am now thinking I am being unreasonable !

OP posts:

PlumBumMum · 15/02/2009 15:31

If the dcs don't notice then I wouldn't worry although I can see your point as my dd is 7 and I think she would notice, but if it bothered me I would prob get dd to make her a lovely aunty card for her b'day and not say anything

ladymariner · 15/02/2009 15:32

I can see where you're coming from, it annoys me when mil makes a massive fuss over my niece and yet my ds and my nephews are pretty much ignored, but tbh just let it go, it's really not worth the hassle it would cause if you said anything.

I do think, though, Upwind, that if she is now part of the family that her sil should treat all the children the same. Her dh married her and took on the children and his family should recognise this and do the same.

Original poster

mum2boys2girls · 15/02/2009 15:38

Pils are fantastic and treat all the children the same my dd1 calls dh daddy and he is there Dad as he is raising them with me and he is the only father figure they have ,I think thats why I fine it hard she likes to make a difference

OP posts:

StewieGriffinsMom · 15/02/2009 15:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

mum2boys2girls · 15/02/2009 15:44

Yes he has decided to speak to his mum he is bothered by the fact she gave ds1 £10 in nov and yesterday ds2 £5 he thinks that is wrong he will be diplomatic and his mum is lovely and I think will be disappointed by it as she really goes out of her way to be fair

OP posts:

quint · 15/02/2009 15:49

It sounds as though I was very lucky. I was and still am treated like blood famioly by my stepdads family - though i doubt he would have had it any other way. I really think its up to your dh to sort it out rather than you - what does he think?

ellabella4ever · 15/02/2009 15:53

YANBU

Your SIL should show some compassion and maturity and treat all the kids the same.

StewieGriffinsMom · 15/02/2009 15:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

mum2boys2girls · 15/02/2009 15:54

He is upset and can't quite understand why she is being like this he is baffled by it all but he says it can't continue as he is very embarrassed, they are close, he is the kind of man who will do anything for you and he has always been there for her and still is

OP posts:

fryalot · 15/02/2009 16:00

she is being unreasonable.

When you get together with a new partner, you take on their children as your own. This means your family have to as well.

If she is not prepared to accept your children as part of the family, then she is being terrifically unfair on them.

That said... perhaps she feels that she can't afford birthday presents/money for five children. In which case she shouldn't get anybody anything.

My dd1 is treated exactly the same as dd2 and ds (dp is their dad) by dp's family. If she wasn't, we wouldn't have anything to do with them.

Leo9 · 15/02/2009 16:20

i agree with ella that this is down to maturity. At first I was going to say it's about intelligence but it's more basic than that; she's not mature enough to act like any grown up would and treat the children the same. Of course I imagine she will feel a more 'visceral' bond with the child who is blood related etc but as an adult it is about keeping that to herself and being able to treat them all reasonably.

I don't think it's worth having an argument about with her or raising it, even...because you can't make her mature, only she can do that (or not).

Yes it's unfair on kids but if you talk about it with them and say yes, it's a shame she doesn't treat you the same, hasn't she got some funny ideas....it's actually IMO a valuable chance to talk to your own kids about how not all adults are clever just because they're grown up, not all adults get things right all the time.

I think personally this one is to be dealt with not by changing the situation to protect your kids because I really don't think you could, but about helping them learn from it. TBH I think it will be a helpful thing to them, to realise that they can reason out and think better than a grown up. It's good for them to feel that way, sometimes - gives them confidence IMO

Original poster

mum2boys2girls · 15/02/2009 16:23

Well put Leo9 thats why I love mumsnet when you get such great advice and feedback Thank You

OP posts:

Leo9 · 15/02/2009 16:27

ssd · 15/02/2009 16:45

good post Leo9

Surfermum · 15/02/2009 16:56

Do your first 3 have cousins and relatives on their Dad's side? It's just that while I agree with everything that has been said here, I always bear in mind that while dsd is treated as family with us, she also has her mum's side of the family and a shedload of cousins there. So if there are times when dd may seem to get more than dsd from my side of the family, it is balanced out because dsd also has her mum's family.

Upwind · 15/02/2009 19:38

Given the £5 /£10 thing, maybe your SIL is unaware that she is not treating your DC the same? And simply as another poster pointed out, feeling a more visceral bond with your DD2.

Agree with Leo9 that the best thing might be to talk to the DC and explain that grown ups don't always do the right thing.

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