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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel that my DP doesn't care that much and if so, why bother?

17 replies

Janos · 14/02/2009 13:58

As a few of you will be aware, I'm going through a difficult situation with my XP and access to DS. It's all been pretty stressful and that's not likely to get better soon.

Anyway, my friends and family have been great with support although they live a distance so are limited in what they can do. Don't have any very close friends locally.

My DP is nearby and I was hoping to get some support from him but I've been really, really hurt by his attitude which is basically 'leave me out of it, I don't want to get involved'.

I'm not asking him to be 'involved' but I have had an awful week and would like a bit of TLC and kindness.

When I've tried to tell him how I'm feeling all he's done is waffle on about his opinion and problems at work. I'm distinctly getting the feeling he really doesn't give a toss. That's my instinct rather than anything he's said

Could do with some perspective, mine could be skewed atm due to stress so thank you.

OP posts:
Lulumama · 14/02/2009 14:01

if he is your ex p , then surely he is the last person on earth you should be asking for emotional support from?

surely he is not going to be the first port of call for TLC?

i don;t know the full story, but i would have thought an ex is an ex for good reasons and therefore the relationship in terms of giving support is over?

sorry you are having a hard time, but YA probbably BU but due to being upset

Original poster
Janos · 14/02/2009 14:05

Jesus, no no no! NOT my XP. he's the LAST person I would ask for support.

Sorry if that wasn't clear.

I have a new partner, that's what I'm talking about. We've been together just over a year.

OP posts:
mayorquimby · 14/02/2009 14:08

well you have to accept that it is also a difficult position for him. it's not his child and i doubt he wants to say anything that will put him in the middle as it's not his place.

you say you think he doesn't give a toss but then when he does offer an opinion or vloice talk about his own problems that he's going through at work you brush them off as unimportant waffle, so maybe he is drawing the conclusion that you don't give a toss about him.

perhaps more effort is needed on both sides, not just his.

mayorquimby · 14/02/2009 14:09

* "voice talk" don't even know what that means.

Jux · 14/02/2009 14:10

You want kindness and sympathy from your current dp when you are upset. Seems reasonable to me, even if you've been upset by your xp. I can understand to a certain extent that your dp wants to keep in the background on problems concerning your ex and your children but I think if he is a partner he takes the rough with the smooth, and if that means sympathising, listening and providing tlc to you when you need it, then that's what he should be doing. Sounds like a selfish twat tbh

Original poster
Janos · 14/02/2009 14:11

I understad what you mean mayorquimby and you make a fair point.

I don't brush his opnions off as 'waffle'. He's had a few problems himself and I've gone out of my way to give support, that's why I feel hurt. But I do see what you are saying.

I do accept that my feelings are running high so I may not be acting rationally IYSWIM.

It's certainly a difficult situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janos · 14/02/2009 14:15

I mean I'm saying that here...I don't dismiss or ignore his opinions.

OP posts:
mayorquimby · 14/02/2009 14:18

and don't think anything i say is meant as insulting or pointless criticism. it may not even be accurate and was based only on your first post.
seeing as you have qualified some of the points already in your 2nd post i.e. showing support for his problems when initially it appeared as though you paid him no mind.

i don't blame you for how your feelng as you say emotions ae high and what you expect is not unreasonable, but it may be unrealistic simply by virtue of every individual dealing with emotional situations differently.

does your dp have any kids of his own? if he doesn't he may be very unaware of what is his domain and what is not.
if he does and he is now with you then presumably e has been through custody proceedings so may be prejudiced about his own experiences be they negative or positive.

as with most of these things calm and honest sialogue is probably what is needed most. with no accusations or insults.

Original poster
Janos · 14/02/2009 14:26

Thank you. He is younger than me and doesn't have children of his own; also we don't live together which I'm, happy about as I don't want that kind of relationship right now.

I think perhaps he just doesn't quite know what to say and is wary of maybe saying the wrong thing?

I'm aware that my emotions are running a bit high right now and that might well be clouding my judgement.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janos · 14/02/2009 14:27

Mayorquimby, I think your suggestion of a proper calm chat is the best way to go, once I'm feeling less fraught.

OP posts:
solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 14/02/2009 14:31

Some people just aren't much good at emotional support, particularly when the unhappy person is in a situation that the other person has no experience of.
He may also feel that it's not 'his job' to support you in this way, that he is there to have fun with you rather than it being a deep partnership, if he's quite young.
I would suggest getting support from friends/family right now, and worrying about the bloke when you feel a bit better.

mayorquimby · 14/02/2009 14:35

"He is younger than me and doesn't have children of his own;"

that's probably a big thing in it tbh. when you are young you think you know everything about children but it's all theory and when facd with the reality it can be daunting.
especialy as a young bloke you view the custody process as horribly unfair as it is probably the only place that a man will ever encounter sexism (or at least peceived sexism.i'm not talking about the complex reality,more the perception young men have of the process) so now he might be finding some of his strongly held beliefs being questioned.
add to that as you say if you have never encountered a certain situation you don't know how to act or what to say. kind of like how some people feel when a loved one has a death in the family that doesn't really effct them but it devestates their loved one.often someone will say they just want to be left alone but mean quite the opposite.
i wouldn't say your judgment is clouded as what you expect is not asking all that much, however it might be a leap too far to expect him to figure out what you want on his own.
if you explain your feelings and what you would like him to do and assure him that you do not expect him to have all the answers, then if he's a decent guy he will probably make the efort.remember he may not always get it right though, nobody is perfect

Original poster
Janos · 14/02/2009 14:36

Sensible advice solid, I think you're probably right. I need to concentrate on myself and DS just now I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janos · 14/02/2009 14:39

Thanks mq. Sorry if my posts seem a bit all over the place.

Your perspective is very helpful.

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Lulumama · 14/02/2009 14:42

sorry, i read that totally wrong !

agree that being younger and having no children can make a big difference to perspective

i do agree witth mayorquimby

sounds like you ar eboth having a hard time and rubbing each other the wrong way

Original poster
Janos · 14/02/2009 14:49

That's ok Lulu! Easy to see how it could have been misread.

I think we are rubbing each other up the wrong way a little too so I'm going to step back, stop fretting about this and concentrate on myself and DS.

OP posts:
Lulumama · 14/02/2009 15:03

hope everything works out

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