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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect my ex to pick up AND drop off our son for his visitation?

17 replies

Boys2mam · 12/02/2009 21:00

My ex and I have a 5 y.o son, whom I have full custody of. Ex lives 300miles away and has our son 4 times a yr for a wk at a time. During our not-so-amicable separation, we agreed that he would pick up our son and I would collect him for each visit.

My family insist it should be up to ex to collect and drop of our son (again bearing in mind the 300 mile journey) because he so rarely sees him but AIBU to expect this?

There is so much background as to why he only seems him 4 times a yr and money is the main issue....namely debt we both accrued during our time together that ex pays off in lieu of maintenance.

I'd love to hear some unbiased advice.

OP posts:

AnitaBlake · 12/02/2009 21:01

Did you move or did he honey?

FAQinglovely · 12/02/2009 21:02

well - if you're happpy with it, and he's happy with it I would (personally) leave things as they are and tell your family to but out

myfunnynametaken · 12/02/2009 21:03

if you've agreed with your ex that he will pick up and you will collect then don't let family dictate otherwise.

Are they deliberately stirring things up? What's it got to do with them anyway?

CarGirl · 12/02/2009 21:04

I agree with FAQ, I have no formal arrangement with my exdh it works for us and dd and that is all that matters.

Original poster

Boys2mam · 12/02/2009 21:13

I moved away with the original intention that he was to follow me when he got a transfer from work - then he changed his mind, we split up, end of THAT story.

It does work and my family are extremely supportive but the reason this has come up is cos of the snow (bear with me )....

ds is due to visit Daddy-dearest tomorrow - ex is due to fly up to collect him tomorrow morn and back down on a return flight at midday and I'm due to collect him nxt Fri. The snow has fallen so heavily today flights are being cancelled and its a very real possibility he's not going to get his flight.

How do I explain this to my ds? His Daddy is likely to balk at the idea of making alternative travel arrangements, will plead poverty, how disappointed HE is and leave me to explain to my baby (it happened last yr when he couldn't travel on public transport due to chicken pox).

[sigh]Pray that the dam snow will stop

OP posts:

Leo9 · 12/02/2009 21:22

I think your usual arrangement sounds fair TBH.

I think don't let this next week influence your plans in any way; it has been an absolutely exceptional time for weather and is unlikely to be so bad again during your DS childhood! So if this were me, I'd accept that ex may not be able to make it this time. I think that from your ds' point of view it is perfectly right that mum AND dad should explain it so why not organise a phone call from ds to dad when they can commiserate about the missed visit and make plans for next time...and meaning it's not just left to you.

Original poster

Boys2mam · 12/02/2009 21:29

Fair enough Leo but should ex not be making more of an effort in terms of collecting him though?

Alternatives means of transport, other days? If it was reversed I'd be moving heaven and earth to have my time with my ds...

...not to mention if it happened when I was due to collect him (hee hee, exdh's new fiancee would be having kittens!!!)

I'm happy with the arrangement on the whole, I'm just getting worked up in case tomorrow goes wrong

OP posts:

Leo9 · 12/02/2009 21:36

But aren't you crossing a bridge here before you come to it? Has ex already said he won't come if he can't fly?

Original poster

Boys2mam · 12/02/2009 21:39

Yip, I'm trying to prepare myself

Ok, I'll go to bed, get a grip and tell myself he's not such a bad father and see what tomorrow brings.

OP posts:

Leo9 · 12/02/2009 21:40

Here's hoping he will surprise you and make it!!

BouncingTurtle · 12/02/2009 21:42

I think it sounds fair (wish dh's ex would at least agree to meet DH some of the way!).

But you do sound a bit annoyed, do you feel that your ex isn't making enough of an effort to keep in touch by other means, such as phone calls? Especially at times he has to break arrangements?

RumourOfAHurricane · 12/02/2009 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AnitaBlake · 12/02/2009 23:11

If you and him are happy with it you really should forget what other people say, honestly as long as your dc are happy, that should be your main concern. Your ex can easily call/MSM between times, please don't let other opinions get in the way.

FAQinglovely · 12/02/2009 23:12

shineon - if the debts that her ex are paying off are anything like the debts that my ex took on and is paying off then a 300 mile round trip, even "just" 4 times a year can still be a lot to budget for.

Alambil · 13/02/2009 01:43

Courts told me it's his contact, his problem... basically!

BUT there were other issues at play than your story

Original poster

Boys2mam · 13/02/2009 07:22

FAQ you're completely right and I am happy with the visitation arrangement with the money situation, more importantly ds is very content with the amount he sees his DD.

Thanks for the advice guys, its reinforced exactly what I thought and it looks as though the snow is going to allow travel today .

OP posts:

FAQinglovely · 13/02/2009 08:20

Glad the snow is going to allow travel

as an aside I know I'm very grateful for my ex taking on all the debts and not expecting me to pay anything towards them, it's meaning I can move forward with my life while he's practically on his knees with them.

btw - enjoy you childfree week

Flip