was I out of order I think maybe I was???

[ivechangedcosimembaressed]

Ok will try and be brief...

Have started seeing NM, who was an old friend and we hooked up again on FB, is going really well and he is lovely.
My XH was a lying cheating twat so am pretty sure my trust is low at the moment, though NM has never given me any reason to doubt him, even though is a LDR!

He is a friendly lovely guy, if a little naive (I think), and has lots of female friends which honestly doesnt bother me at all!

Except for one - she is a youngish (younger than me and him) FB friend (ie he has never met her, but they chat/text/MSN a fair bit and have done for a while).

She has left a few comments for him on FB, usually just after a comment from me, which IMO have been a tad inappropriate. He is adamant there never was or has been anything going on, though from what he says I suspect she would have liked it to, though he denies it and reassures me.

Anyway, last night we are chatting on the phone and he says something about her (lets call her M), and I say oh lets not talk about her, and he laughs and says well she warned me about you!!!!!!!!!
At which stage my instincts start to prickle like mad, and I get quite cross, and ask what she said. Apparantly she warned him to be careful, as his previous GF's have taken him for a ride financially and hurt him (he really doesnt slag them off at all). Now this girl doesnt know me AT ALL (as it is I am financially independant, and if anyone is going to get hurt I suspect it would be me), so how dare she warn him about me. He has told his family and real friends about me and none of them have seen fit to warn him have just been pleased he seems happy and want to meet me

IMO, what she is doing is underhand and devious, and seems like she is trying to cause problems. But I honestly don't know if that is me over reacting, I really don't.

So, rather foolishly, after a few glasses of wine and a emotional chat with him,. I sent her a message on FB - not a bad one really, just saying that I wasn't happy for her to discuss me with him and would she not do it as I feel it is quite underhanded (FWIW she also saw fit to email his exGF who she has never met telling her how badly she has treated him also not her place at all I don't think). Well to say she is pissed off is an understatement, she has emailed me saying I have a cheek messaging someone I have never met and saying she hoped I had told him what I was doing(though she felt she could do the same to his exGF and slag me off to him). She phoned him and texted him straight away to tell him.I had told him that I was going to message her BTW.

Well he has been lovely, says he doesn't care about her, is only me he cares about and he seems fine. I have told him I would never dream of telling him who he can and cannot speak to, but have only asked him not to discuss me with her, and also said I wouldn't be happy if he met her in person (she is much closer to him geographically than I am).

But I feel a bit foolish, I wrote a response to her email then saved it in my drafts and dont think I will send it. I am 37 FGS, a professional educated woman with 2 children, I am not going to "fight" over a man - been there did that with XH it wasn't fun!

I have every faith and trust in him, its just her I don't trust, and I do feel women like this try and cause little problems where they can.
So AIBU, am I being an unreasonable, paranoid cow, am I damaged by my XH's lying and cheating, help MN am prepared to be told I was BU Oh and yes bloody FB I agree!

I don't think YABU at all, and I think she's got a bloody cheek calling you about emailing someone you don't know, when she sees fit to be slagging you off even if she doesn't know you.

That said, I would let it drop now you've said your piece - she sounds like she's got a fixation about him and is a bit of a bunny boiler to me, snd you NM probably realises that now anyway.

I think you were not so much out of order as just a little unwise.

From what you said she is a bit of a pain - it is a bit much of her to "warn" him about you .

Your mistake was in trying to reason with someone who is clearly a pain!

I can see whay you would do it ( esp. after wine!) though. I would have been bugged by her too.

Can I also say your nm sounds a little unwise too, in telling you about her ridiculous "warning". He should have had the sense not to pass that on. Of course it would annoy you.

I think you are taking her warning a little bit to personally.

If he's been used in the past she is just being a friend and telling him to be careful.

Haven't we all had a friend that we've given a friendly warning to? Not as an insult against the new man/woman in their lives but simply because they may have been naive in the past.

So yes, I do think YABU.

Alcohol and Facebook is NOT a good combination!!!

YANBU

I think that you may have been a little unreasonable.

As you said, she doesnt know you at all, so the warning wasnt about you, it was about her impression that in the past he has chosen his partners unwisely.
In you emailing her directly about this (which I feel was inappropriate) you have probably just confirmed her impression.

YANBU
But I think I would leave it there as she is being childish and prob enjoying the attn from you

I think YABU to have sent her a message on facebook and I wouldn't be surprised if this has some pretty serious repercussions for your relationship.

What will you do if they continue to be friends, if they do meet up, if you have to meet her at some point at a party/get together/wedding?

If I was her I think I would have been pissed off too.

what were the inappropriate messages that she posted on his facebook BTW?

It sounds like she fancies him and is stirring, teenage-style. Rise above, rise above.

Consider facebook suicide too- it causes more problems than you might think!

YANBU, but now I think it is time to leave it. Ignore her, you've made your opinions clear. If she carries on then she'll look even more like a silly cow. Concentrate on having a good relationship with your NM and enjoy it. Hopefully by doing that and getting a strong relationship going, she'll melt away into insignificance.

i think you are a little unreasonable to be sending messages to someone you dont know

is there a chnace that all she was doing was being a friend to NM and just looking out for him?

this girl is obviously going to stay in his life, so you have got to try and get used to her/like her or your relationship with NM wont last

maybe its worth you all meeting up for a drink etc? how near to him is she?

least she isnt a rl friend

Sorry but I think YABU. You say your relationship is new - how new?

If someone had posted about a new boyfriend doing similar, there would be alot of posts warning about the danger of getting involved with a controlling, possessive man.

You need to take a step back and constantly remind yourself that this is not your ex.

You shouldn't have messaged her. If he is into you, you don't need to worry about anyone else whatsoever. Ignore everything from now on and stop clocking his FB messages. And try not to leave deliberate messages on his that are like "of, you are my boyfriend" etc etc etc so that the other girl clocks them, it will turn into you girls both trying to outdo each other on a public website - not pretty.

Take the relationship away from FB and quit the games.

Good luck!

Thank you - mixed answers TBH
Anyway she confirms to me she is a loon she has texted him incessantly overnight and this morning (>10 times) - and phoned though he hasnt spoken to her - he says he doesnt want to hear her rant about me and not sure what she thinks he will say
Actually I think I was a bit silly to message her - though if I had a message like that I think I would have been mortified and apologised along the lines of I didnt mean to upset you, was just worried about him considering his previous choices etc...not a full blown quite nasty rant.....
Its extremely unlikely I will ever have to meet her, they are not RL friends, so unlikely that weddings etc would be an issue, they are in different cities so unless he made a real effort he wouldn't just bump into her, and most of his effort at the moment is coming to see me

I hope I haven't caused problems - we have been seeing each other for a few months, and it is starting to get serious - am feeling quite happy and secure and he sounds ok about it ...

For interest, I dont FB a lot - her messages were always after mine for eg - he works away and would post an update like "wish this trip would hurry up I need to be somewhere" - I knew he meant with me and would just post a "" in response - she would then post something directly after like "yes like coming to see me" , or he would be getting off and I would post "see you soon" and she would post directly after "phone me or text me when you get of like you always do lol lol lol xxxxx" it was the lols and the kisses did my head in!!!
Anyway have stopped posting on his wall and will try and avoid doing so - probelm is when he is away internet is only communication (no phones) will stick to private emails and MSN I think
I wont be sending my draft response to her or getting into anymore communication with her - I have told him this and apologised for kicking it off and told him I trust him to deal with it as he wants (he laughed and said yes now I've kicked the hornets nest over and run away screaming leaving him to deal with it )
Am not in high school and don't intend to act like I am

Ah - ok, those comments do seem a bit odd particularly as they haven't met.

How does he know her? Would he consider knocking her off his friends list seeing as she's become a bit unhinged since your message?

Just had a text from him saying "he has lost her as a friend" - cant talk as am in work (allegedly) - am assuming he spoke to her and she kicked off neccesitating him "choosing" me - have apologised and been reassured but secretly am quite pleased

They only know through FB - something about her asking about work for a friend of hers in his field - ahh bloody FB!

you have won then

agree her messages did seem a bit

FB can lead to many relatioships breaking up

why don't I feel like I have "won" then
He is a darling - has been texting me just sweet normal texts now - and I know he is trying to put us back to our normal footing - feel a bit of a bitch now if am honest am just gonna let the whole thing drop

LOL Being in love is fun - doesn't matter if you are 17 or 37 !!!

Yeah, wine, FB, messages.... clearly not a smart move - you aren't the first (trust me!!! ) and you wont be the last

She is only someone he met on FB, probably filling a gap when he was single - someone to chat with and have a bit of a laugh with, a bit of sexual tension... lots of us have been there and done that, but when you meet someone these relationships have to go or have to change. Doesn't sound like she was prepared for it to change - so hey ho...

Have you talked to him about Facebook? Maybe you need to have a conversation with him, see if either of you are genuinely using it to keep in touch with proper friends or if it was something you both socialised with while single... possibly look at both of you coming off of it - is it really worth the hassle it causes?

You do have a lot of baggage from the Ex - but you don't end up with a NM at our age without it do you

It is possible to communicate privately via FB - just sent a message rather than write on each other's wall. You can also block the bunny boiler from seeing anything you do happen to write on NM's wall, you just need to go into your account settings.

Oh, and I don't think you have been entirely unreasonable. You possibly don't feel like you've "won" because you regret sending her that message as deep down you know that momentarily you stooped to her level.

You don't feel like you have 'won' because you were the one that forced the issue, you reacted in a way that showed up your insecurities and let him know you don't entirely trust him AND He should have been the one to put this woman in her place long before now - either in a light-hearted way in response to her messages or in a straight up way.

A couple of warning bells sounded when reading your posts ...

Why did he saying 'there is somewhere I need to be' - why wasn't he saying 'I'd rather be with 'ivechangedbecauseimembarassed'!! Then he wasn't even correcting her (well doens't sound like he was) when she said with her. I know she was 'kind of joking' but even so ?? [Why was he being secretive about being with you]

Then he tells you (after knowing how you feel about her) that she warned him about you.... [deliberately making you ]

Then he texts you 'he has lost her as a friend' [would have been more appropriate, given all thats happened to speak to you properly about it or at the very least to have texted you 'got rid of the PITA']

I'm not saying he's not great ... just to be cautious. LDR's which are conducted by text, emails, FB, MSN.... can feel so much more serious, so much more quickly than they would if you were together all the time. I'm sure you know all this... just having been there done that, got all these t-shirts wouldn't like to see you hurt....

Thank you
Well the original messages on FB were vague because of me - I have a lunatic stalker ex so had asked him to keep it quiet - once we were being open he changed his profile straight away to "in a relationship with ivechanged"....
And yes I think he could have been different telling me - am not sure if it is to see how I will react as I have been the one trying to slow it down (because of children and ex), or because he is just a genuinely sweet naive guy - he just seemed oblivious to the fact that she might have been a bit off and saying that there was nothing going on - oh am so not used to this whole dating /new relationship thing !
Am so aware that things have got more intense/serious because of the LDR/MSN, text thing - I do think it allows you to be far more open/intense than would happen with the normal dating thing - and of course because the actual physical meetings are few and far between they are that much more intense as well !
Ah well we can only see

I would honestly say don't stress. You told him you had sent the message, and her reaction is the one that is bizzare not yours.

ivechangedmymind...

I still think HE should have sorted her out a while ago TBH.

The whole new relationship/dating thing in your 30's is fun and crap at the same time isn't it - a bit like in your teens, 20's and I imagine 40's, 50's etc One of my friends Mums is seeing a new bloke (she's in her 60's) and she's having similar issues... LOL so I guess nothing much changes

Hope it all goes well!!

She sounds a bit of a nightmare - I hope you've seen the last. I (in my trusting, been with the same lovely bloke for ages way) think he sounds fine and has dealt with it. I'm guessing he's too nice a bloke to say he's got rid of the PITA? Anyway, pre-you it was probably OK to have a weirdo friend like that, now you're there it's not, and her posts were definitely odd and territory-encroaching.

In the hope that he has managed to get rid of her (tho I must admit she sounds like a loon and I wonder how easy it would be to get rid of her - if it's not, do encourage him to be open about it and be non-judgemental. These things do happen and you mustn't let it stop your relationship) - enjoy your NM and don't stress!