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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit pissed off/dissapointed with my sister? Long, sorry...

21 replies

Deemented · 09/02/2009 00:22

I probably am, but i guess i'm hurt.

Bit of background first. DD is just gone nine months and as yet hasn't been christened. Mainly because after hubbs death i couldn't face it. He died 6 months ago. Since he died there's been big changes in my life - my mum also died in October and i had to move house last week as hubbs was disabled and we lived in an adapted bungalow and the council wanted it back, so we had to move. I also have a DS, who's four.

Anyways, back to the point. I now have this whole new life that i'm trying to carve out for myself and my kids andi thought a good start might be to have dd's christening. I thought that a celebration would be a good thing after so much sadness - that it would give me something positive to focus on. When i was pregnant hubbs and i talked about who we would like as godparents and decided on a close family friend and my sister, and we asked them and they agreed to stand for her.

I've spoken with the vicar, and arranged the christening for the 2nd May, the day after dd's first birthday - i thought it would be a good way of combining celebrations also. I had wanted dd to be christened on mothers day - i was and so was my son, but my sister said that she would prefer to be near to mums grave on the first mothers day without her, so i went with her on that. Anyway i told my sister earlier that i'd spoken to the vicar about getting dd dunked and the first thing she said was that she couldn't afford it - that i didn't understand how tight things were for her money wise... I've offered to drive to lancs(i live in wales) and pick her up and told her she can stay with me, but she's basically out a dampner on it completely.

I understand finances are tight at the mo - they are with everyone - and it's not as if she'd really be out of pocket. I dunno, i just feel hurt that she can't see that i want her to help me celebrate one of the good things in my life, especially after all the stuff we've been through this past year.

AIBU?

OP posts:

daysoftheweek · 09/02/2009 00:28

YANBU

Sorry to hear about your hard times

Could you have dd christened on Mother's day near your mothers grave? (eg same town, church) might help your sister.

Good luck with your new life

ThumbLoveWitch · 09/02/2009 00:31

I think YANBU - she is being somewhat selfish. Perhaps she feels that her grief over your mum won't be sufficiently copable with for her to contemplate any sort of family gathering? Even so, she could put herself in your position and see that it would be a nice thing for her to do to help you - after all, you have 2 sets of grieving going on.

I think her financial issues are a cover-up for something else - see if you can get her to open up as to what the real problem is.

jessikart · 09/02/2009 00:45

YANBU - your sister is definitely being odd about this though! Has she been supportive of you since your partner died?

JacksmamasLittleBundleOfLOve · 09/02/2009 03:24

I'm so sorry to hear of all your sadness. Would a (((HUG))) be acceptable? I don't think you're being unreasonable. It sounds like there's something else going on with your sister - but whatever it is, she's being odd and you deserve a better answer.

helenhismadwife · 09/02/2009 09:37

YANBU you have had a really rough time and now want to move on.

Have you considered writing either a letter or email to your sister similar to what you have posted here telling her why you are doing it and how hurt you feel at her reaction. There may be a reason for her reaction she hasnt told you and sometimes its easier to put things down in writing.

I hope you sort it out and good luck

Tclanger · 09/02/2009 09:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pinkyp · 09/02/2009 09:50

yanbu xx

purpleduck · 09/02/2009 10:00

I am going against the grain here - but I do think YABU
Perhaps your sister isn't coping all that well with the loss of your mother. Even though you have had a double whammy (so sorry ) - part of your reasoning is to have a bit of celebration after so much sadness.

Thing is - dd is your child, so its is more about you and your children trying to forge ahead.(I'm not saying that in a mean way). Its just that to her, perhaps Mothers day is too hard for her, and maybe its just too much for her.

ChippingIn · 09/02/2009 10:18

purpleduck - deemented said that she wasn't doing it on Mothers Day because her sister didn't want her to, but on the day after her daughters birthday in May....

Deemented I am really sorry to hear about everything you have been through ... and now you are being upset over DD's christening. Pretty shite isn't it (hugs)

However, I would agree with some of the others who have said you need to talk to your sister and see what the real issue is. If it is money are there other things she is worried about having to buy (nice christening present, fancy outfit etc?) maybe she wants to do it 'properly' and feels right now she can't. If she is normally supportive then there must be something to her saying no, if she isn't normally supportive you might want to think about changing your daughters godparents?

HeadFairy · 09/02/2009 10:23

deemented. I agree that everyone deals with grief differently. She may not feel strong enough to be reminded so much of the loss you've all had to go through, she may feel she wants to grieve privately. Personally I'd want all my family around me at times like that, but we're all different. I'd be careful but perhaps a bit of gentle probing might reveal if there is another reason.

Good luck with the start of better times, I hope you can sort something out and have a lovely christening with all your family. You deserve it!

purpleduck · 09/02/2009 10:37

oops - sorry

purpleduck · 09/02/2009 10:49

Is she a younger sister?
Are you 2 close? Can you talk to her about it?
My sister was pretty much my parent growing up. Then when I was 23 her ds was born, and almost immediately after became very ill and suffered brain damage.
Our dynamic changed so radically.
I guess what I am getting at is that maybe she doesn't know how to be with you in the face of all the stuff you have had in the last year.

She may change her mind...?

DesperateHousewifeToo · 09/02/2009 10:51

It is a shame that she seems to be putting up barriers towards this (real or otherwise).

You could still go ahead with the christening and she could still be god-mother even if she is not at the ceremony.

Perhaps you could suggest that to her.

How is the new house? Were all the problems ssorted out?

Original poster

Deemented · 09/02/2009 11:33

Thanks for your messages. Sister is an older sister, and tbh she was more then a mother to me then our own mum was when i was growing up. I know she's having a tough time with dealing with mums death, and i have promised to go up to her for mothers day so she doesn't have to deal with it on her own. I'm trying to be as supportive as i can be to her.. i guess i just feel like i'm giving all this but getting nothing back... perhaps im being selfish.

OP posts:

troutpout · 09/02/2009 11:42

oh i am sorry for your hard time deemented
yanbu ..for feeling sad that your sister can't share your new start. Doesn't sound like she's ready too atm tbh...perhaps she really is struggling after your mums death....so perhaps she isn't being unreasonable either.
I think i understand what purpleduck was saying...and i understand that you are trying to accommodate your sister but perhaps it's just to hard for her atm.
Go ahead with your own plans...she will get through what ever she needs to when she does . You can't make that decision for her...i guess.
Have a lovely day with your daughter and good luck with this new chapter .

cheshirekitty · 09/02/2009 11:43

Just want to get you and your sister together and give you both a big hug.

Hope you can work things out.

shootfromthehip · 09/02/2009 11:52

My Dad died 18mths ago and it brought a dynamic to our family I could not have imagined: death is such a personal thing and people are so protective and competitive about their grief that they have problems being around the others who have lost someone as they don't want to acknowledge the fact that they are grieving too. My Mum was terrible for this as it became her personal issue and hers alone. Perhaps because of your double tragedy, your sis feels that she is not entitled to feel as much grief as you and is resentful of that as she too is still grieving. This feeling is not logical or fair or sensible but, as you will know, that doesn't always come in to it.

Your celebrating the arrival of your daughter into the world shows that you are focusing on the future and grieving in a way that makes you want to keep things normal for your kids, all-the-while paying a tribute to your lost loved ones by having the christening at all. Your sister may be feeling bleak about the future, perhaps struggling to come to terms with life going on after someone you love dies. The christening is symbolic of her loss and not a symbol of her future?

Anyway, I know I may well be far off the mark but I was really taken aback by how my family splintered after the death of my Dad and didn't pull together at all. YANBU to be disappointed in her reaction but it is still very early so hopefully she will realise that she is hurting you and eventually that will mean more to her than the overwhelming sense that something is broken, never to be 'right' again.

Good luck and hope the christening goes well. I hope that you are ok after such a terrible time.

smudgethepuppydog · 09/02/2009 18:46

Deemented-I don't think you are being selfish or unreasonable at all. You've moved the Christening date from your first choice of date to take into account your sister's wishes. I think Shootfromthehip raises some valid points about how your sister may not be dealing with her grief at the loss of your mum though. I also wondered just how dire things are for your sister financially? Could she be playing down just how bad things are? Maybe it's about more than just the travelling expenses? Could she be worried about other cost implications, things like a gift, new outfit etc?

Original poster

Deemented · 09/02/2009 20:14

Thanks again for your replies.

I know my sister is struggling financially - although she and i have different priorities when it comes to money, but thats a different thread altogether. She was struggling just before christmas and i leant her £200... i can't see me getting it back in the near future, but to be honest, i'm not all that bothered about it (although £200 is £200 but she needed it, and i had it at the time so she could have it... it's not the end of the world if i have to wait awhile) but at the moment i couldn't afford to lend her more money.

It's hard trying to talk to her as she lives so far away so we can't talk face to face, but i have promised to be up there for mothers day, so she doesn't have to go through it on her own. I'll try and talk to her again then, but it feels weird trying to broach the subject with her again.

I guess i just wanted her to look forward to having dd christened as much as i was... i guess for me it's aboiut having the people i love around me so that they can finally have something to celebrate and in a way thanking them for the support they've given me.

OP posts:

Kimi · 09/02/2009 20:24

I am sorry to say that I think your sister is being very selfish,
You have been though so much, and you seem to be giving in to her, you hanged the date of the christening for her, you are going to see her on mothers day, but it is too much for her to come to you even if you over the cost.
I am sorry but if I were you I would keep family tradition put the christening back to mothers day and have a lovely time, if your sister will not make the effort to come to you.

Kimi · 09/02/2009 20:25

changed

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