For getting wound up when my mum makes stuff up all the time?

[SweetAudrina]

My mum has a habit of twisting people's words and telling other people that they have said something entirely different. Sometimes she just out-right makes stuff up.

One example ... When DS was a toddler, we were stood in a post-office queue in a really rough area. DS decided to say something cheeky to this woman (can't remember what) and I was mortified.

I told my mum about it and she asked me "was the woman hard?" and I said "yes, I think so".

Next minute my mum is re-telling the story to everyone else saying:

"DGS said so and so to this woman on Chatsworth estate and Audrina said "god man, this woman was dead hard!" and it just made me look and sound about 12 the way she re-told it.

Another one: I had my grandmads number on my caller I.D. This was unusual as he never phones me unless he wants to have a go at me about something. So I said to my mum "is this grandads number?" she said "yes" so I said "oh"

Next time we were at my grandads my mum burst into laugher and said "you should have heard Audrina! she saw your number on her phone and said "Oh God ... it IS him" and my grandads wife tutted at me and my grandad raised an eyebrow as if to say "nice"

And then there's the times she just makes stuff up.

My father is unfortunately no longer with us and my kids never got to meet him before he died. So Friday, in a room full of relatives my mum said "oh, the kids are always talking about (my dad) they say "Is my grandad watching me up there with his guns, grandma?" (he was a soldier)

for one thing, my kids never mention my dad as they never knew him. And secondandly, they NEVER talk in that way. All the relatives just glanced at each other as if to say "sure they do" so they know what she's like but it really winds me up.

AIBU?

YANBU - it sounds quite annoying and rather childish - but I shouldn't imagine there is much you can do to stop her doing it without causing a major upset, and if, as you say, everyone knows what she is like, they won't take any notice of what she says about you or the children.

Her behavior is a touch bizarre, but it could be worse, I suppose!

The best thing is to directly challenge her.

Bugger the major upset!

My mother tells lies. Normally it's tales of something I did, or something the kids said, and I used to back her up when she'd look at me and say "didn't you" or "didn't they" or "isn't it". not any more. Now I say "I don't remember that" or something.

If she was saying the kind of things your mum is saying, I think I'd be more direct "That's not true, I said..." or "why are you saying that, that's not how it happened" or "I don't know why you remember it like that, it was..." or even "here we go again with one of your tall tales"

You need to stand up for yourself. She does this because she knows you will stand there and say nothing. If you start contradicting her, I bet she will begin to think twice.

My mil is like this if someone brushes past her in the street she has been mugged etc etc.

It drove me mad especially because dp had a bad habit of over stretching the truth about stupid silly things when it didn't need to be stretched at all he is better now but I did threaten to make him an appt at dr's about his compulsive lying .

Maybe you should just ask your mum why she feels the need to do it it may make her squirm and think twice about doing it.

It is one of my pet hates so I really feel for you.

Meant to add I think DP got the habit after listening to his Mum for years and thinking it was the norm to just add extras on iyswim .

my mum is the same, but I think it come be one of 2 things:

Distorted memory or
dramatising or embleshing the truth as they lead a very boring life with no excitmente.

Saying that my ums lies have caused some major problems in the past i.e

On xmas day in a restaurant we both wentto the toilet and she starting having a go at me about having 2 glasses of wine (I wasn't driving and very rarely drink), anyway I ended up tears.

We both came out of toilets and she said to my DH and MIL "god she can turn the waterworks on, don't know why she's upset she was horrible to me"

Luckierly my DH was in toilet next door and told her he heard every word. Still hasn't stopped her telling lies, but just causes conflict.

Good luck as I've not found the answer, even when she's be proved wrong by numerous people.

My mum does this more and more as she's got older. Discussing DD2's very fine hair she said "DD1's hair was like that. You used to have to keep clipping it to thicken it up".

"No mum, you used to cut my hair and kept on at me to cut DD1's hair and I refused because it's an old wives tale. Her hair was actually much thicker than DD2's."

She looked really I really think she doesn't remember

Dont get me started on this topic and undo all those years of therapy

But it IS interesting to read your posts and see that I am not alone.

chegirl have you really had therapy? As I am currently?

YANBU for getting wound up but YABU for not calling her on this!

I think she needs a comment along the lines of "err, mum, that never actually happened, have you got alzheimers, or what?"

sorry, tasteless I know but this is exactly what would have happened in my extended family, I've even cut the expletives for you but you can include them if you want

My mother does the same. She is bonkers.

This is exactly how my mother acts. I've never figured out if she knows she's outright lying about things, or if, in her head, this is really the way its happened.

She can be very nasty and malicious with it though. When I was growing up she's store up everything I said during the day, then wait until my Dad walked in the door before bursting into tears and wailing and sobbing on him about all the evil things I'd said and done to her. Sometimes I'd watch her and wonder if it was me that was mad and I had said all these things and just couldn't remember.

MrsPurple Sorry I was making dinner.

Yes I have, lots. Not specifically at first but it became the major focus. I was a bit obsessed.

It helped. Good luck.

God it IS good to know that other people experience this with their mums. I thought it was just mine.

My mum also has a selective memory:

"Hey Audrina, remember how you were really awful to (step father) when we first got together?"

erm... mum, remember how he was a complete and utter twat to me? difference was I was only 13, he was supposed to be the adult??

Another one...

"I always remember Audrina once said to me 'I'll make sure you never get with anyone else after dad'" - I NEVER once said this. Think she'd watched an epsiode of corrie and this line may have come up and she's thought "Hey, that would sound great in a story about Audrina."

She also has a obsession with repeating the same old stories OVER AND OVER AND OVER again:

Week 1 - "I always remember the time I punched your auntie Linda ..."

Later in week 1 - "Did I ever tell you about that time I punched Linda??"

Week 2 - "There was one time ... when I punched Auntie Linda!"

Later in week 2 - "Oh ... and then there was the time I punched Linda ... "

Week 3 - "Linda annoyed me so much one day ... I punched her!"

Later in week 3 - "Linda? oh ... I remember the time ..." (I object here "Yes mum, you punched her" (mum again) "Oh, I told you about that did I? well ... what happened was ... (and she tells me again)"

Week 4 - "I can't remember who it was ... but someone once punched your auntie Linda ... (I close my eyes and wait for it) "Oh! it was me! I remember now ... what happened was ... "

God give me strength!

MIL does this

We couldn't understand why DP's cousins were being arsey with him about not buying all the drinks at a christening, and again when we asked sil what she'd like for christmas and she said central heating.

Turns out she's told everyone that dp is a millionaire.

Another time she told her friends he's an airline pilot.

My mum has fallen out with me - she claimed I ignored her when she came to my house before Christmas. I have asked my sons (20 and 13) and my DH, and they agree I did no such thing!!! She claims I have hurt her so much doing that, that she is unable to talk to me. FFS

What actually happened is that she came in moaning, claiming my present to my sister was clearly rubbish as she hadn't 'even bothered to use it.'
Then she ranted at the boys about how much she hated Christmas and didn't want any presents. We were all a bit and when she had gone they renamed her the grinch.
I will not apologise for something that didn't happen, even if she has convinced the rest of the family.
I hope I'm a better mum.

omg I'm so glad I popped onto this thread, as I thought I was the only one whose mother was like this.

She tells people we grew up best of friends. When really she was totally jealous of me. (why I don't know, but with my dad's help and still in therapy I've stop thinking what did I do?)

She used to tell my dad I'd been horrible to her and thrown my pottery (pressies my dad always brought me as he worked away alot).

She never did this to my DB's, maybe it's a mother daughter thing?

The best one was when she says I have never done anyhthing for her. I used to take her shopping and would always end uppaying for it and she'd say I'll pay you back (er when?)

Sorry rant over got a bit carried away.

My mum gets films and books she has read confused with her life She also makes up family history which really peed me off. Its really weird when you find out something that has been part of your family memory for years never happened!

I am cool with my mum now but I have sort of distanced myself from her. Its a shame because when anything happens I dont feel the way I should e.g. if she is unwell.

She is a nice woman. She just lives a bit of a fantasy life (see, therapy DOES work!)

Thanks chegirl. Not speaking to mum at present, am protecting my santity.

Like you I don't have natural reactions to things like if she's unwell. I love her but don't really like her.

Got therapy tomorrow so every day should help.

I'm unsure about my mum,she's not evil, but very selfish and doesn't think about how she behaves will affect anyone else.

You need to stick up for yourself and correct her when she gets "confused"

My mother is the same - I must seem like an arse when I contradict her all the time, but it is the only way to avoid letting her wind me up.

Trouble is upwind not only does she get 'confused' she is massively passive aggressive too! It is just not worth the hassle, really.

She would go all quiet and then say 'oh, pause, oh ok, well maybe I will call you when you are feeling better, sigh'

Sometimes she 'forgets' herself and will shout and swear and slam the phone down.

Then she will ignore me for weeks and then phone up as if nothing has happend. And so it continues......

In the meantime she will be telling anyone who will listen 'well the thing is, over the years I have learnt that the best thing to do with Chegirl when she is 'like this' is too give her some space'

Bet she is not the only one who does that either!

Life is too short, frankly. I cannot be arsed to try and cure my DM of her insanity.

no YANBU - is she attention-seeking? or perhaps has some form of senility?

My mum suffered from selective memory issues - and history-rewriting issues - so we often had very different recollections of events. I am horribly pedantic and have pretty good recall of events - it used to drive me NUTS that Mum would either change who said what, or deny it ever happened!

My MIL was very like this. Stories were embelished. DH threw a glass of water over her, then it became milk (because there was no milk in the house for a cup of tea) when the neighbours came in and then it became a pan of boiling milk (even though no scald marks?)

Her neighbours and family used to be really off with us. She borrowed money off them constantly (for a loaf of bread or to pay the electric bills) as she told everyone that we took her money off her. (We in fact put money into her account as she always told us she was broke.)

When she died we found she had a small fortune in numerous building society accounts.

However when she went into hospital we found out that for years she had been having a series of small strokes which could have caused this bizare behaviour.

My mum does this, I ignore it now. I see it as she has had a rather hard life and clearly feels the need to make up for her life not living up to her expectations. I would feel mean correcting her.

my mum does this - she has made up/changed /embellished stories and pretty much ruined some memories for me and my sister. I used to correct her all the time .Like you,ThumbLoveWitch, i have a really good memory for events - particularly dialogue - and she changes them quite drastically, usually to make me seem horrible, or herself to be some sort of martyr.
I used to correct/argue with her constantly "No mum, that NEVER happened" .. "No, I didn't say that ..I said THIS" etc
But my dad took me aside one night and told me just to let her get on with it. Apparently he's been putting up with it for years, and he gave me a few examples of some of the stories she had told me&sis about him that just were not true.
It's a shame really, because now that i have a child i would quite like a mum i can trust for advice .. but i take every "story" she tells me with a pinch of salt. (would give examples -but they are too numerous, and feel i am rambling)
I dread to think what fairy tales she will tell dd about me,when she is old enough to understand ... she is loopy.
YANBU - it's hard to be the mature one around your own mother.

I too would have loved a mother who I could turn to for advice, have given up on this along time ago .

My mother has made up so many stories I think even she believes them.

I think you end up being the adult to your mother being the child. oops sorry bit of info from therapy.

I pray and hope I don't end up doing the ame to my 2 DD's.

Sometimes life just doesn't make sense!