To not go to DH's brothers wedding?

[kissofarose]

Just wanted a mumsnet perspective on my situation.

DH's brother is getting married in June and the invitation arrived today.
It is 8 hours away from where we live and his parents are orgainising hotels etc for the family to stay in.

My problem is this has been worrying me for ages and when the invitation arrived today my heart was pounding and I was thinking how can I tell DH I can't go.

My situation is I suffer from panic attacks and have real problems with travel.
I have not been in our family car since August 08 and walk everywhere locally which I am comfortable with.
I have to pre plan everything and know where I am going and going to an unknown place quite frankly scares me so much.

I have lots of issues in my life at the moment which are stressful re my DS who has SN and now my daughter is being assessed.
All my time and effort goes into them and I constantly worry.

I showeed DH the invitation when he got in tonight and said I don't think I could go could he take the children or go alone.

He said his parents were orgainising accomadation for us all as a family and they will be paying and I ought to go as I am part of that family.
I told him this has been stressing me out for some time and I really don't feel like I can do it.

He said get used to the idea you are going.

I pointed out that I missed 2 weddings in my own family for the same reason and they were fairly local.

I know to some people this is going to sound silly but my fears are real and getting steadily worse.
Itry to make myself go out as much as possible and am making headway but just feel I can't travel all that way.

I know his family will think I am being ungratful and am a bit mad and DH thinks I am letting him down and should be by his side as his wife and it will look strange if I don't go.

Mumsnet wisdom needed please.

I think that you need to go and see your GP and get some help with your anxiety. It seems like its taking over your life, and making you and DH unhappy.

totally agree with cmot, your life is being ruled by something that is entirely treatable with therapy and / or meds.

please get help, you have time before June to start getting sorted

yes, you don't need to avoid the wedding, you need to get help with your anxiety problem, good luck

You need to see your GP to treat your anxiety attacks.

Sort that out first, then see if you feel like going to the wedding.

The wedding is just the thing that has brought the whole thing to a point where your DH cannot understand and accept your problem.

It sounds like you have some form of social anxiety - I don't know very much about it but I know a friend of mine's dh has it and it does make life very difficult. She goes to a lot of things on her own in acknowledgement of his difficulty. He has recently made a major milestone and gone with her on a trip to Amsterdam - I can appreciate for her sake (given my dh is in a wheelchair) what a huge deal that is whereas to others it may sound like not much special.

As well as talking to your GP and getting a referral, there are things you can usefully do to tackle your anxieties. One is that it is an unknown place - okay, make it a known place. Go there before the wedding, maybe more than once. Build up to that given you haven't been in the car for so long - take a half hour drive. If that's okay, build up to an hour. An eight hour drive with two kids is a major undertaking for anyone and you can rehearse what will help to make it easier.

Your dh needs to set expectations, not just try and push you into it (altho there's an element of this when dealing with anyone with a chronic illness that you don't just accept they can't do everything they think they can't do, if you see what I mean). He could go with the dc, you could maybe only be there part of the time.

I think there has to be a common understanding that your anxieties are real, as they quite clearly are, and need to be addressed by you both as a couple. But also recognised as a genuine difficulty, not just you being a bit mad. Try to take small steps, MN will always be here with encouragement and advice.

I have had CBT in the past when my daughter was born and it did'nt help a great deal.

I really don't want to go down the road of takings medication,it was offered at the time of my CBT.
It scares me and feel I can do this without meds.
It's that old thng of someone telling you,forcing you and putting you under pressure which makes things worse.
Why is it so difficult to understand.

I keep everything together for my children but feel I can't do this at this time.

I suspose I just wanted my DH to try and understand and be more supportive.

Totally understand. It isn't wrong to want your dh to be more supportive but it also isn't wrong for him to want you to take positive steps to address your situation. It needs to be some of both. If you don't want the meds route, that's understandable. If CBT hasn't worked, fine. You're under a lot of pressure for other reasons too but taking care of you is important. Can you ask your dh to help you find what other options are out there? Counselling via the health visitor? He may relish the idea of having a positive task to do, perhaps?

FWIW, I have cancelled many trips because life is just so stressful and difficult. We are planning a trip to Center Parcs and I am dreading it in some ways because of the potential nightmares, and it's only an hour from the house. So I do understand to some extent how you feel. But you have until June to figure out a way of coping that works for both of you - and I fully accept "you're going: deal with it" is not it.

i do agree with what tribpot is saying

but i think therapy is worth trying again

and why so against meds? if you had any other illness you would take the right meds

it does not sound like you are able to confront this and conquer it wihtout help, if you have panic attakcs and cannot contemplate going out of the local area

your life is being ruled by this

would make your life so much more pleasant if you got sorted, or at least 50 % better

lulumama - I think we're violently agreeing I do think the OP should consider counselling (and meds, to be quite honest) but in a way she feels is helpful. TBH, my dh is about to start psychiatric treatment for dealing with pain and I know how hard he is going to find it to believe it's going to be useful. On the outside looking in I can see it's the only option that has a chance of being successful but he can't see that at all. Equating that to the OP's situation, I think she needs to believe in the help that she's offered, but equally does need to take it up.

OP, I think this is your marathon. Can you look upon it that way and spend the next 5-6 months training for it?

yes, i thikn the 'but' was uneccesary !!

I suspose I want to tackle it at my own pace and have a deadline to meet.
I struggle day to day and just going on the school run sometimes is very stressful.
If I go out on my own I feelin control and know I can return home whenever I want.

DH has had to put up with this on and off since the birth of our children and I know it must be draining for him.

We travelled around America for our honeymoon but that was 11 years ago and am a different person now and have had lots of family bereavements since then including my parents and everything is just getting on top of me at the moment.

I know all about people having to taking medication for their illness as grew up with a mother who took meds daily for physical reasons and was in and out of hospital.

I know my life is ruled by this and it is unbearable at times.

kiss - I'm sure the emotions you associate with your mum taking meds are (quite understandably) influencing your judgement. For example, I have a (male) friend whose bro has severe learning difficulties. As a result he will not consider any form of counselling or treatment because that's not 'him' (even tho it is). You don't have to take any medication you don't want to, I would say just don't rule it out as an option.

I can see how a deadline is frustrating, and I think your dh needs to understand that you need to set interim goals and accept that the ultimate goal - this time - of the wedding in June may not be achievable. Let's look at what you can do, not what you can't. It sounds like you need reassurance that if you can't make the June date you will still be supported - which is quite reasonable.

So sorry to hear about your loss, OP. It all adds up.

The thing is, that you aren't tackling it at your own pace are you ? You need help - with dealing with the kids and their needs, with dealing with your bereavements, and with this anxiety. TBH, you sound here like you are finding lots of reasons not to do something about it all, and IME the longer you do that, the worse it will get.

Medication can be a really short term thing for anxiety, just enough to help you start using other coping mechanisms and get in the habit of doing things again, without your anxiety levels getting too high.

Please, go talk to your GP or HV and ask for help in dealing with this - there are some really good therapies for dealing with anxiety, and it doesn't have to rule your families life. Because soon your kids will ask why mummy won't go in the car with them, or go away and it will affect them

This may not be something you would try but my ds (8) had awful anxiety attacks for the last year or so and this site really helped, he can control them himself now.

No meds included

www.panic-attacks.co.uk/

Thank you for your kind advice.

Have tried to not bring it up over the weekend although I heard DH talking with his mother about the arrangements on the phone this morning.

kayteee-thanks for the website link ,will take a look.

Agree with what everyone has said here about using this as an impetus to get help with your anxiety.

Also if the hotel where you will be staying is nearby could you agree with dh that if you are finding it hard you could just sneak away for a bit? Obviously if the journey rather than the wedding is the main stressor I appreciate this advice is pretty useless.

Good luck x