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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that friendship should be based on more than just geography?

11 replies

OlaMamas · 05/02/2009 21:58

Think I just need a rationalised answer from an uninvolved party! Be brutal. Apologies if it's long. Have had a couple who me and DH have regarded as best friends for 15+ years. He was hubbys best friend for 19 years and she my good friend for about 15 years. Always spent loads of time together with them and another 2 couples. Each others houses/flats etc pre kiddies! Then they had kiddy before us! (fertility probs on our half but not an issue with them). They'd bought a house at the end of our road so them with kiddy easier if we went to them. Rarely were they able to get sitters to go out with us but always there with invites once or generally twice a weekend to come to them! Which we did. Their 2nd child then on the way. Us still no joy. So pattern continued... we went to them every weekend (obviously when asked) They could rarely get sitters for US! Or could not afford many nights out with US! There invites were always exclusive and to a certain extent by taking them up we pushed out the other couples! Just before they had second found out I was pregnant. But as we had just one baby still easier for us to come to them! Which we did. Then they moved further away... only 3 or 4 miles... but now meant a taxi transporting a small baby! Who in fairness was very good and went down and lifted well. But was obviously still easier for them as we only had 1! Then we fell pg again with no 2! When ds2 was born too tricky to transport 2 so refused a few weekend invitations. Now....where our "good friends" had moved to, just happened to be round the corner from another couple WE had introduced them to! And during my pregnancy they had also started the coming to them for drinks at a weekend thing!
So they quite readily filled their social life gap! And we haven't had an invite since! Thankfully bridges built with other couples and stupidly this evening just asked them and their new convenient friends out for a meal with the rest of us only to be given another knock back! AIBU to think friendship should be based on more than just convenience and geography!!! Sorry... but do feel slightly better for that!

OP posts:
Minxie1977 · 05/02/2009 22:27

YANBU - I moved counties last year and with it lost two of my oldest friends. Some people cannot be bothered to make the effort. I'm sure it's their loss

peachface · 05/02/2009 23:44

Hi, I'm new on here but felt I had to post because I've had similar experience and I'm afraid that sometimes out of sight does mean out of mind! I had close friend where I used to live, moved just an hour's drive away last year and although she was sad we were moving and didn't want me to move etc., etc., now I have moved, I may as well have dropped off the planet! I kept in touch (as you do with your friends!?)but got to the point where I didn't want to be flogging a dead horse! Maybe keep in touch with Christmas and birthday cards and don't feel too badly about it - like Minxie1977 says, some people just can't be bothered!

Original poster
OlaMamas · 06/02/2009 16:41

Thanks Minxie and peachface.... I had started to think I was being pathetic for it to bother me! What makes it sadder is that myself and hubby are godparents to their second child and thinking that they would make more effort and against my husbands better judgement we / I chose them to be Godparents to our DS2! Thankfully we had time to build a relationship with their DD but unfortunately for our DS2 I think they have seen him 2 maybe 3 times and he is now 17months and has no idea who either of them are! Anyway thanks for your contributions have been driving DH mad about it for months and months. Unlike me he has drawn a line under it all and seems to not be bothered anymore. I know its time for me to do the same! Just harder said than done! So much history! But so many let downs since!

OP posts:
peachface · 06/02/2009 16:53

I think husbands are better at that - my dh is the same as yours and kept saying I shouldn't let it get to me but I'm like you and am not the sort of person to just drop people so when it happened to me I feel let down and can't get my head round it! I think sometimes people get so caught up in their own busy lives that they forget (or can't be bothered) to keep in touch and it does take a bit more effort to keep in touch when it's not as easy to bob over to people's houses.
Hope you can draw a line under it a bit easier now you know you're not the only one who's experienced this! Doesn't mean you can't keep in touch with them with cards at Christmas etc. - if you can be bothered! heehee!

Minxie1977 · 06/02/2009 17:07

I second that peachface but not the xmas cards - I've decided not to waste the paper

peachface · 06/02/2009 17:11

Fair point - I won't bother next Christmas either then!! The test will be whether I hear anything for my birthday as we always made a big thing of our birthdays and so I'll know then if it's all over (sob!)!
Met lots of new pals here now anyway, so there!!!! haha!!
Seriously, though, it is a shame but hey ho....maybe in time I'll come to accept that it's possible for someone not to want me in their life.....chortle!

Original poster
OlaMamas · 06/02/2009 17:13

Maybe just for their kiddies!!! Their parents certainly aren't worth the paper!

OP posts:
peachface · 06/02/2009 17:37

Yes, that's the tricky bit - my eldest ds was really good chums with the dd. Mind you, my ds hasn't mentioned her much in recent months - maybe out of sight out of mind for him too!!

jemart · 10/02/2009 17:46

Fact is an awful lot of friendships are like this, most are really just convenient aquaintances, pleasant enough but not prepared to make the effort when situations change. Its not malicious, its just how people are.
I can count my true friends on the fingers of one hand.

PortofinosDHwillDieIfHeForgets · 10/02/2009 17:52

We moved countries! Some friends have made the effort to come and visit us which is lovely, but i do appreciate that it is not practical with small kids/expensive. I still count people as my friends even if I don't get to see them so often and try to keep up by email and remember birthdays etc.

SalBySea · 10/02/2009 18:03

unfortunately, I think that some people "dont see the point" in investing in a friendship that isnt convenient. I have actually heard people say that about other people, like "yeah, she's a laugh but she's moving in few months so whats the point?". A friend of mine said that she "didnt see the point" in meeting up with a girl she had struck up a friendship with once the girl announced she was prengnat as "she wont be much fun when the baby's born"

I have made big moves twice, and its does filter out the friends who where actually just acquaintances (even if I saw them as friends as the time)

Its sad but good in the long run as the ones you retain, you know are worth having

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