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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my mother in law is being selfish

22 replies

DLI · 04/02/2009 18:53

Going to the inlaws in a couple of weeks and not looking forward to it. MIL split from FIL and now lives with new partner(whom she left FIL for but wont admit it. She bought a flat (not big enough to swing a cat in) which she cant afford the mortgage on especially now she is not working and spends all her time complaining about money. Everyone is in the same situation at the moment and not just her. Last time we visited I felt uncomfortable and didnt dare let ds (5yr old now with special needs) touch anything or do anything in case he broke something. didnt like to eat too much because she complains all the time about money etc. Now she has said she is saving money and not putting tv on until after tea1 like that will make a difference! even when we are there. She has said she is going to occupy ds in other ways, she knows ds has slight ocd and many symptoms of adhd - he cant sit still for ten minutes without causing mischieve. If she is trying to save momney that way does it mean she wont have the heating on much as well!!!!

I dont want to go and DH says its his mum and we should. She has spent all the DH's inheritance and leaving flat to new partner! is having at least two holidays this year, they bought a Wii and a new car recently as well. Am I being unreasonable or is she being selfish or is she really going through a midlife crisis?

thanks for listening had to get it off my chest!!!

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 04/02/2009 18:56

could she come to yours instead?

unfortunately DH's 'inheritance' does not exist until she actually died and left him it, whilst she's alive it's her money to do with as she wishes

MissisBoot · 04/02/2009 18:57

Sounds like she is going through a midlife crisis.

It is up to her what she does in her home and how she treats visitors. Same as how she spends her money - remember it is her money and you shouldn't see it has your dh's inheritance.

Are you staying over or going for the day?

Tamarto · 04/02/2009 18:57

Her money is her money and not your DHs inheritance!!!!

Offer to get some shopping in, or to contribute so you can have the T.V. on for DS.

I think YABU

Original poster
DLI · 04/02/2009 19:01

we are staying over for two nights! She won't stay at our's because she doesnt want ds to get confused about her and her new partner when it came to sleeping arrangements (but i dont think she wants to admit that she is in a relationship with new partner).

i know what you are saying missisboots about inheritance and i think i am being selfish there

Its just a nightmare because we are staying with her and she is all happy and cheerful and moving on with her life then we visit FIL and he is basically ready to top himself and all depressed.

OP posts:
MarlaSinger · 04/02/2009 19:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DesperateHousewifeToo · 04/02/2009 19:05

It's her money, so she can do what she wants with it.

Take a few supplies with you - food and things to entertain your ds.

Maybe plan a meal out if ds is able to cope with that?

Could she visit you?

MissisBoot · 04/02/2009 19:05

How has your dh handled the split? Has he come to terms with it?

Does your fil have any friends/family he can talk to?

I think you just have to go and accept that this is how it is now - try and make the best of it.

MissisBoot · 04/02/2009 19:06

Atleast she has moved on and is including you all in the next phase of her life.

Would you rather she didn't have contact with you all?

Original poster
DLI · 04/02/2009 19:07

The inheritence is not such an issue as the fact that she is complaining she has no money and we cant do this and that, last time we visited she arranged to go to an animal farm, we drove all the way there and when she got there it was £5 to go in and she refused and we ended up going all the way home because it was too expensive yet she can afford to go on holiday - i am sorry if i sound like a whinger

OP posts:
Original poster
DLI · 04/02/2009 19:08

thanks for listening, i know you are all right, I think its just me siding with FIL cos I feel sorry for him. should try to be positive about the whole occasion.

OP posts:
sorrento · 04/02/2009 19:16

You should have left in the car rather than all go home.
She does sound like a pillock in all honesty but it's only 2 nights, keep yourself busy all day and then have early nights.
My step MIL got bread and cheese and ham in for our tea (value ham I should add) when I was pregnant and had a 1 year old. We had to sneak off to the pub for dinner but they like to see us so what can you do.

Dropdeadfred · 04/02/2009 19:20

could you not have paid for her to go in the farm??!?!?

FlakyPenis · 04/02/2009 19:24

Sorry, what exactly is the issue? That she won't let your DS watch her TV? Because everything else you've mentioned is none of your business.

compo · 04/02/2009 19:27

why on earth didn't you pay for her to go to the farm instead of driving home?

oldraver · 04/02/2009 19:27

Yes why didnt you pay to go into the farm, yes she was being silly to refuse to go in but so where you

queenofbeas · 04/02/2009 19:30

It is her money, you or DC do not have a right to it, if she chooses to leave DS some money it is up to her. I would rather my PIL spent their money enjoying life. YABU - very.

queenofbeas · 04/02/2009 19:32

Why did'nt you pay for her to go to the farm? You want her to leave your DS money but you can't even spend £5 - no wonder she changed her will.

twentypence · 04/02/2009 19:35

I understand about the not paying a fiver to go in - but not letting you pay either. my mum has sat in the car whilst I take ds into places because she thought it was overpriced, or we have just come away. I know it will seem bizarre to those of you with normal parents.

quint · 04/02/2009 19:37

YAB very U!!!!

Offer to help pay for food when you stay. Why couldn;t you pay for her to go in? And as for the inheritance - well I think you get the picture there.

It seems to me that MIL can't win on here sometimes. Don't get me wrong I have read about some absolute monsters on here, but I think you are making something of nothing.

She didn;t leave you, she left her husband, you may not agree with it but you can;t know what their life was like.

Get over yourself and stop trying to create problems where there are none.

lilstarry1 · 04/02/2009 19:37

Erm... Don't go? Surely the idea of your visit is so your son can spend some time with his nan? But from what you've said she is going to make his life difficult and unhappy for your stay. Whilst I don't necessarily agree with everything that you've written, I do think the answer is obvious : don't go!

If your husband is so desperate to spend time with her, he can go. If he wants to take your son, let him - why do you have to go? Just tell her you're ill / need a break / thought it would be nice for them to spend time all together.

Life is too short to spend it feeling irked by others, tho' really I think the issue is more to do with her relationship than it is to do with anything else and perhaps that needs to be addressed?

twentypence · 04/02/2009 20:21

I find it impossible to go out with my mother sometimes because of the whole I'm not spending that and I won't let you either - so I just say that I want to stay home and send ds on his own.

I think it's low self esteem - so don't think that your FIL and your MIL are not both feeling low - it's just it manifests itself in different ways.

My FIL goes through periods of being an arse, and has other periods where he is catatonic, if I feel like I can't cope with these I send dh and ds on their own.

If the flat is tiny you will do everyone a favour.

ANamesANameForAThatsTaken · 04/02/2009 21:09

yabu

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