to hate the "all men are bastards, all women are victims" attitude that there seems to be on heere?

[wannaBe]

Have seen so many instances where this seems to be the case.

Threads where someone's dp is fighting for access to his children and where she has been told that his ex obviously must have good reason for withholding access. thus implying that the mother is always right and that bitch women who withhold access deliberately don't exist.

Threads where a man has been on the verge of an affair and his wife has been supported and the man is automatically branded a selfish twat, and yet there have been threads from women who have been on the verge of an affair and they have been given sympathy and support.

And today two threads, one where a man was violent towards his partner in a one-off incident (even though the partner was a selfish cow) and people are calling for his balls and telling her to leave him, and another where the woman is the one who has been physically violent and still it is the man who is painted as the wrongdoer and she is getting sympathy.

Just seems to be one rule for men and one for women.

There's a three page thread overe there just now about people's lovely DPs and how much they appreciate them. Haven't read it all but it looks all positive so far.

Personally, the relationship board often makes me thank my lucky stars for my lovely DP but I wouldn't say that over there.

It would be a bit like saying 'God, reading about all you poor sods getting made redundant makes me all the happier that I have a great salary, financial security and a five bed home' or whatever. Not that I have a five bedroom home but you see what I mean?

I think it's lovely that people appreciate their other halves but sometimes it can sound a bit show offy to say it to other people, dyswim?

well, I was going to say YABU, but then I realised that I rarely read relationships and AIBU, I usually look on the lone parents board, where people's problems are entirely genuine. I don't want to see anybody's problems or suffereing dismissed, purely because it's boring or predictable or goes against our image of a independent strong woman.

Some of the threads on AIBU are ridiculous, but the ones I find reeeeedick are the ones about other mums at the school gates. This stuff goes over my head. NO idea if the mums at my children's school are dissing me. Do not igve a fuckety f*

I agree there is a real attitude that men are automatically in the wrong whatever the situation.

I have occasionally posted saying that I feel more sympathy for the man, but it usually ends up in flames!

I can only assume that many of these posts are from women who have experienced really awful treatment from the man/men in their lives and who therefore are hoping to protect the ops from similar situations. Of course, only the op on any thread can truly know how bad/good her dh actually is. I usually end up just hoping that all the advice to leave the £$^&%$$£ now makes the OPs really think about whether things are that bad. Of course if they are, then they should leave, as much for their safety as anything else, but I really doubt that all the partners can be that bad.

FWIW, I saw the thread about someone going out and thought that I too could understand his frustrations when the OP was out six nights/days out of seven one week, another five the next and then blew out their night in to go out with mates. If I had been him, I think I would have been the one leaving. The no doubt she'd have been bleating how unreasonable he was not to stay and look after her kids so she could go out and pursue her hobby and see her mates five/six times a week!

I don't think there is ever an excuse for witholding access, bar severe severe trauma for the child which should be decided by objective professionals. access can be supervised and organised by a 3rd party if necessary.

the troooble with t'internet is we don't get many people motivated enough to post 'my relationship is ok really' so it's a bit of a distorted view

I think if you look closely, you will generally find a balanced pov on most issues. Women come with perspectives based on their own experiences which naturally bias their posts, so it's obvious that therefore most women will be supportive of a women's view on a situation - they can empathise with it more. Add to that the fact that you wouldn't necessarily respond unless you felt you had some insight or experience on the matter?

There was a thread on here the other day about a SAHD who was having a tough time and so many posters were saying he ought to go back to work...BUT, then there were also enough women saying hang on a minute, if this were a woman, we wouldn't be saying that, we'd be trying to think of ways to help her cope with being a SAHM.

I only pick up on this one as my DH is a SAHD so I was about to be up in arms until I saw that OF COURSE, other MNetters were already there representing another point of view.

When a woman is in an abusive relationship, she is the victim, sorry, but there you go.

If, If, If, we can encourage her to leave then she'll have a chance to put victimhood behind her, but trying to persuade her that she's being unfair to her partner is potentially very dangerous.

I don't get involved in threads about trivial stuff, such as my husband won't answer the phone when he knows it's his mother blah blah blah.

I only get involved when it's a real problem.

Hmmm.

I agree the 'Ooh aren't men awful girls tee hee they're a different species' kind of threads get on my nerves. So from that point of view, YANBU.

BUT

Women who have happy relationships generally aren't posting for advice..so you will get more 'negative' threads in Relationships. Also, what Liffey,dittany and solid have said.

When a man is behaving in an abusive fashion, it's hardly anti-men to say so.

Soz for crappy formatting there. Still getting to grips with it

I agree re; the women witholding children from partners, I have heard women talk about it many times in rl and with my own DH's experiences.

But we the other stuff, the main problem is that it generally women that are the OP and when you hear someone's opinion first, especially if asked in a reasonable manner you tend to side with them, rightly or wrongly

wannabe has raised a point that I have thought about recently, with regards to the one off violence thread. Which i hasten to add, i haven't read so am not comment on. I have often wondered though - is it ever OK to hit your partner? No, its NOT OK, but does it have to be the deal breaker? Always?

DP and I have been through some rough times, thankfully we are working through it and coming out the other end There have been times though where i have clearly almost driven DP to violence. This has exploded into him punching doors and generally losing it - this is totally out of character, but in response to my constant "pecking", i can honestly push and push and push and push, even when i have seen that i have gone too far then i keep going - its something im getting counselling for. I do think to myself though, LEM, if you are not careful he is going to land one on you, probably hurt you (hes a big guy) and then feel so bad about it that he will leave. Its the not wanting him to leave that stops me. Im not saying he is without fault, I am saying that sometimes i just push and push and push and surely he can only take so much.

I would never feel i could post on here about it, in fact I have never mentioned him losing his temper before because i don't want to paint a bad picture of him that isn't true. Its just we are both under so much pressure at times and the way i handle it is to nag, for want of a better word and wont let things go. I have always been given good advice on here and lots of kicks up the arse to pull myself together - so if one day he does snap? Does that make him a bad person who i should leave? He has never done it yet, by some miracle, so maybe this is purely hypothetical.

I have a friend who had to call the police to remove her DH, they are still together, but she hit him first and he wouldn't calm down so she called the police, they removed him and they sorted themselves out.

What do people think about this?

hrrummph says the stepmother

I disagree
Having seen a few posts where a woman was on about having an affair/contemplating having one, and they were RIPPED to shreds by most on here for being selfish ect.

Its not limited to men @ all

My DP is a right twat bag at times, others he is fantastic.. but he was hit by at least two of his EXp's and in front of his kids and NEVER retaliated. Sure he is annoying, and last weekend he was a right nob (see my thread if you wish lol)
On my thread i was supported, yes, people called him a cunt ect, but they didn't spare me either, and thats what i was hoping for, hence not namechanging, i wanted people to be honest and forthright and believe i got that because they knew who i was.

There are a few posters here who don't give a shit. Male or female, if you're a twat these posters will tell you so.
But it is a support and advice board, you get what you're given

I must admit that as a bloke and only been on here 24 hours I was genuinely very shocked reading through some threads where women were talking about their men.

Refering to what someone else said. It does help to flip the identities of man and woman around in your mind with some threads and ask if you would feel the same if the man was in the woman's position and vice versa.

Men and women argue in different ways. They react in different ways to situations. I do think that men tend to be portrayed quite badly sometimes on here.

Mind you, I did read a few threads where people were really in love with their husbands and thought the world of them.

Hmmm. I think circumstance and context really does make a difference. I know what the OP means. You read a thread - the DP has lost his temper and lashed out. Poster says he's not normally like this. Opinion is immediately that she should leave him, no matter what might have happened in the build up.

I really do believe there is a big difference in someone (M or F) completely losing their temper in a heated argument..... (God knows I've been tempted to whack DH over his stubborn, word twisitng head out of sheer frustration. I haven't though - but he's probably been wise to keep a bit of distance)....and these mean, controlling, abusive gits that some women have the misfortune to be involved with.

I think even the most reasonable person can get worked up to a real rage. Some of us deal with that better than others. It doesn't necessarily turn people into serial spouse beaters.

On MN we only get a potted history though. And it IS scary sometimes to hear what other women are living through. The kneejerk reaction is therefore totally understandable.

LEM, while I don?t think that it is ever acceptable to hit your partner, I do think that everyone has a breaking point, and that everyone has the capacity to act out of character if pushed too far. I imagine we?ve all done something in the heat of the moment which we regret, be that having shouted too loudly at our children, even smacking a child out of frustration, throwing something in the heat of a row, slamming a door, pushing a partner and so the list goes on.

Also, while I think that any kind of violence is unacceptable, I do think that there are levels at which violence can be interpreted as a momentary action in the heat of the moment, or a sustained attack intended to cause physical harm. For instance, I could see how, if someone pushed and pushed and pushed their partner beyond a certain point, that partner might, in the heat of the moment, lose it and perhaps physically push their partner away, or throw something (I know women who have thrown plates of dinner at their partners for instance ? imo that is still violence), but who instantly realize what they have done and regret it. That is imo what happened in the one off violence thread ? the op had been acting very unreasonably, and in the heat of an argument her dp was pushed beyond his limit and lashed out (he didn?t hit her, he grabbed her arm and pushed her against a wall, however he let go instantly). Now while that is not acceptable behaviour, the op had clearly pushed him to his limits.

Had he then gone on to hit her repeatedly or beat her up or inflict any other physical injury it would of course be an entirely different matter and I would be joining the choruses of ?leave him.? And if it happened again I would think it an entirely different matter and consider it part of a patern of behaviour rather than one momentary indiscretion.

But I think that we do need to acknowledge that we are all human beings who are all capable of making mistakes. It is what we take from those mistakes that is important.

Very well put WannaBe.

I confess to having smacked my DC, even though DH and I both disagree with corporal punishment. Very rarely and I was always racked by guilt afterwards. On those occassions I lost it. I personally think I am a reasonable good and very loving mother. But this one-strike-and-you're-out attitude would presumably have had my DC in the clutches of SS before I could blink.

Wherein lies the difference? Is it just because an adult can choose to stay or go while a child can't?

Orm, I always used to do a warning with a smack ie if do THAT again you will get a smack. My worst guilt is for the times i have lost my temper and yelled things. (ie you are a horrible spoilt little girl and i don't want to look at you any more etc etc) It makes me feel ill that i could speak to dd like that, but have occasionally felt driven to it.

PS disclaimer - dd has only had the very occasional smack and I yell like this twice a year!

exactly.

But no-one seems to suggest that once you've smacked your child once you will then become a child abuser.

Well some people do!

But i/we (if i can be so bold) think that is definitely the point.

Context is everything. If your DH is normally loving and considerate, but in the height of a blazing row, he grabs your arm, that is one thing. If your DH is normally controlling/abusive and such things are common, it is something else.