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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really upset that my sister had my XH in her friends list on facebook?

21 replies

pinkbabybump · 04/02/2009 11:25

I divorced him 5 years ago because he is an abusive bully. I have an 11 year old son with him so we still have to have contact but I do keep it to a minimum because everytime I get a torrent of abuse. Anyway, I was looking through my sisters friend list on facebook because she mentioned that she had become friends with a girl who used to live in the street that we grew up with and I was trying to find her and I came across my exH on her list!! I have recently put loads of photo's on my facebook account as has my DP and she has commented on nearly everyone, these pics are of our holiday, my 3d scan pictures of new baby (am 37 weeks pregnant) and xmas pics etc. This means that everytime she has commented on them everyone on her friend list can view my whole album of pics.
I did text her and asked her to remove him, I checked the next day to see if she had done this and she hadn't so both me and my DP removed ourselves from her friend list. I then got a text from her saying that she was gutted and really upset that we had removed ourselves and it was like I didn't trust her!!! She then said that she had only just been able to get on facebook (which is rubbish because before I took myself off her friends list I could see she had updated her status and when) and that's why she hadn't removed my XH yet.
AIBU in expecting a bit of loyalty from her? She is very aware of the grief I get from my XH.
Sorry for such a long post

OP posts:

compo · 04/02/2009 11:26

yanbu
but now she's removed him you can readd her?
god, facebook causes so mnay problems doesn't it?

Ewe · 04/02/2009 11:28

YABU to have not given her a bit more time or picked up the phone and spoken to her about it, not just text.

Also, you control privacy settings on your photos so if you decide only your frends can see it, then only your friends can see them.

KingCanuteIAm · 04/02/2009 11:31

I came to this thread all ready to say YABU, your sister can be friends with your ex if it doesn't affect you.... etc BUT, actually, you are not really being unreasonable to want to keep your new and old life seperate given the situation. The trouble is I think a lot of people don't put any thought into how Facebook works (ie letting everyone see etc).

However, I do think you were a bit harsh to only give her 24 hours to think about what you have said, check out anything she needed to, contact him (if she felt she should) to explain and then delete him.

If he has gone now I would bury the hatchet with her. She clearly values you more than him, she is not trying to defend her right to keep him on or anything. Put yourselves back on her list and let it pass would be my advice!

Original poster

pinkbabybump · 04/02/2009 11:32

Thanks compo,
both me and my DP have re-added her as soon as I saw he was off, I got the text saying she was gutted after I re-added her and then she put in her status that she was coming off facebook because it caused too much trouble and all her friends were commenting 'who's upset you' etc etc. It made me feel like I was totally over-reacting TBH and she was in the right (which is why I've posted on here). I did think maybe a lot of it was to do with my hormones but my DP is also outraged. I don't know what to do now, do I contact her and apologise (for something that I don't think I've done wrong) or do I just leave it and see if she contacts me?

OP posts:

morningpaper · 04/02/2009 11:35

Only your friends can view your photos, regardless of whether she has commented on them

morningpaper · 04/02/2009 11:35

(as long as you have set up the albums properly, of course)

KingCanuteIAm · 04/02/2009 11:36

Perhaps you could appologise for not giving her more time and explain that you were really upset and hormonal and wanted to sort it as soon as you could. You now realsie you should have given her more time. That way you are not appologising for anything except the speed you did it all at but it still sounds like you are appologising IYSWIM.

Mind you I HATE HATE HATE it when people do that childish passive agressive facebook thing (ie giving a hint that they are hurt/upset/peeved so that everyone goes "ooohhh whats up?"

Original poster

pinkbabybump · 04/02/2009 11:38

Thank you all for the advice. She did text me to say that she was not going on facebook anymore and I explained that it wasn't a trust issue I just didn't want XH knowing what was going on in my life. I also said no harm done to try and smooth it over but haven't heard anything from her since.
This isn't the first time she has done something like this tho, when my elder sister's DH was working away she used to send suggestive letters to him and it caused massive rows within my family - I don't know why she does these things

OP posts:

dal21 · 04/02/2009 11:38

what ewe said. get your privacy controls sorted so that only your friends can view updates/ photos etc. That way you take responsibility for who sees what you put up.

re her getting onto fb and changing her status - there are things that can be done really easily from mobile phones (changing status being one of them); and others that are much easier on a pc.

BitOfFun · 04/02/2009 11:39

Just phone her and clear it up. All the stories on here about facebook causing such upset is exactly why I committed facebook suicide...no substitute for actually talking when it comes to loved ones you could otherwise be in contact with normally. You weren't unreasonable, but you can't sort it out via the web. I also feel that alerting people to your personal feelings via so-called status updates is kind of undignified. I don't understand why people do it!

Original poster

pinkbabybump · 04/02/2009 11:42

all my photos are set to friends only but as soon as one of my friends comment on them then their friends can see the photo and the comment IYSWIM
Thanks King I will do that, I really don't want to fall out with her as I am moving 400 miles away soon to be with DP's family so would hate to leave on a sour note.

OP posts:

Ewe · 04/02/2009 11:44

Just phone her! Don't text, or message on FB - she is your sister, pick up the phone, or even better - pop round!

[mutters 'bout people not talking anymore, bloody texting and Facebook]

morningpaper · 04/02/2009 12:02

"all my photos are set to friends only but as soon as one of my friends comment on them then their friends can see the photo and the comment IYSWIM"

That's only if you set it to "Friends and Friends of Friends"

mm22bys · 04/02/2009 12:09

YANBU, but you shouldn't have deleted your sister. Here's what to do in future:

Set access to your photos to Friends only
If you don't like the comments for any reason, DELETE THEM (the comment, not the friend!!!!)

wishingchair · 04/02/2009 13:36

Yes, the only people who will see your photos if she's commented on them will be you, her and any mutual friends you have IF you have set your photo privacy settings to Friends Only.

thederkinsdame · 04/02/2009 14:02

YANBU at all. There is another solution tho, Why don't you block your XH? If you do that, even if you are both friends with your sister, he can't see you, and if you post on her wall he can't see what you say either, nor will he see your pics. It's like erasing yourself from facebook but only for your XH!

So, on your Sis's friend list it will say she has '94' on the homepage, but if your XH clicks on 'view all friends' he'd only see 93 IYSWIM - you would be missing - he wouldn't even know that you were the missing name. I have blocked someone from my past who is friends with one of my mates.

Here's how you do it - at the top of your home page, click the drop down menu and go to 'privacy settings' bottom right of that page, you'll see 'Block person' put in their name and if they are friends with any of your friends (as here) their name will come up first. Click block and once you see them on the 'blocked friends' list job done. Even if XH searches you on FB you won't appear!
Then you can be friends with your SIS again.

HTH
Derkins

thederkinsdame · 04/02/2009 14:04

Sorry, meant to say, it's the 'settings' tab you should click

themoon66 · 04/02/2009 14:06

I don't 'get' facebook. Why do people bother with it when it seems to cause so much grief

Original poster

pinkbabybump · 04/02/2009 14:23

Thank you all so much for your comments, they have really helped me put this into perspective. I rang my sister and we had a long chat about it, I did apologise for taking her off my friends list but explained that I over-reacted and should've given her the benefit of the doubt before doing so!! All is well again
derkins, I didn't realise that you could block someone from facebook but will remember that for the future, thank you.

OP posts:

totalmisfit · 04/02/2009 14:25

This is exactly why i left facebook. I realised i didn't like the way my RL had suddenly become fair game in a childish virtual world, for a lot of people i no longer cared for. I found it weirdly degrading.

fuckerForMyValentine · 04/02/2009 15:04

I don't use FB

I have a real life

Mumsnet is real, I tells ye

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