Why are the most aggressive children always the least supervised?

[JoyS]

sigh Just a little moan here, nothing I can really do about the situation.

We (DD1, DD2 & I) go to a small playgroup once a week. One of the boys is quite aggressive and physical. Which, you know, isn't really a big deal, it's a phase, he's got a 6-month-old baby brother, he's only 3, my DD1 is no angel, whatever. But his mum is always on the other side of the room!

Yesterday DD1 and another boy were playing nicely with a castle set, we were making up stories with the little animals and whatnot, it was very pleasant. The aggressive boy came over and instead of joining in just started wrecking the place, got in the middle of the castle set up with a large block and just demolished it. When he had ruined it to his satisfaction, he went off to play with the farm set. Where was his mum when he was menacing the other kids with a big wooden block? Talking to the group leader somewhere else.

Other playgroups we've been to have had the same issue: there's ALWAYS one kid who hits/shoves/grabs/etc and is completely unsupervised. Eventually the mum comes over and says something like 'oooh darling you know you shouldn't hit the smaller children' and buggers off again. DD1 went through a hitting phase, I watched her like a hawk to make sure she didn't hurt anyone.

There's only so many times you can say to someone else's kid 'We don't hit' 'please don't push' etc before his/her carer needs to get involved! Aaargh.

Aaargh.

I think some thought should be given to the parent when there are multiple DCs involved as in the OPs case. I have 2 DCs and at playgroups I have to decide which DC to watch and its impossible to watch 2 all the time, so I usually watch my DS more as he is at a "pushing away" stage if another child comes too close.

I don't have a problem with disciplining other children, especially older ones who are "mean" to younger ones, and I would be OK about other people doing the same to mine (although i've never experienced it, not saying that mine are little angels).

In my recent experience, it is Dads who are worse at keeping an eye on what their kids are doing. They just sit in the coffee room, with their mobile/blackberry or chatting with other dads, whilst their children misbehave. One particularly troublesome girl was a different child when she was there with her mum who showed some interest in what she was doing and kept a closer eye on her. Therefore I do agree with the sentiment that its the parents who need to do more and maybe something should be said especially where aggression is involved.

Yes, multiple kids is an issue. I have to watch a nearly-4 yr old while also looking after (ie. often carrying and/or feeding) a newborn. I have friends with 3 or 4 children under, say, 6 or 7. It's a totally different ball game!

It depends, at one group I go to there are two children who are particularly rough (biting, hitting, pushing). One of the mothers watches her child like a hawk and is always intervening, giving him time out etc. The other completely ignores her dd and if she does see it she seems to see it as a good thing "Oh look isn't my dd funny/cute/strong".

There is only one dolls pram at this group and all the kids want to play with it but this girl always gets it and attacks any other child that tries to play with it-her mother says things like "Oh X won that one" or "X got there first again" whereas I think I would tell dd to let another child play with it-especially if she had played with it a lot the last time.

Most of the time though I don't think these children are any less supervised, it is just that you notice it more because they are the ones that are always involved in whatever drama is going on, I know I can be a bit complacent sometimes and just sit there enjoying a cup of tea and a chat and luckily for me I can usually get away with it because dd is mostly well behaved-now ds is toddling off and playing with stuff (before he just wanted me to hold him constantly) I'm going to have to start paying a bit more attention because he does snatch and push.

I think that's my point claireybrations. Playgroup is all about learning to socialize so you expect a certain amount of less desirable behaviour. It's the parents who ignore or gloss over it that bug me, especially when it's ongoing and extra especially when it could really hurt another kid.