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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to conveniently forget to take my mothers dog out yesterday.

26 replies

LucyEllensmummy · 03/02/2009 09:42

Yesterday, DD and I had been out in the snow - great. We popped into my mothers to show her DDs sledge (DDs request), DD wanted to go for a sledge. Anyway, my mum was hinting for me to take her dog out - OK, i said, get his lead i'll take him with me. But she said no, rightly so, he is a big, lunatic dog and would have probably wanted to play with the sledge. So i said to my DD1 (18yrs) Can't you run him round the block for nanny - "i don't feel well" period pains (more like lazyitis as she seemed to be miraculously recovered in the evening). I didn't really want to take him out after our sledging but said i would. Anyway, Got to the end of the road with DD and she decided she had had enough so turned round and went home. Once the adrenalin of the snowman making had worn off, we realised we were soaked through and DD was irritable cold and wet. So we came home, got changed into snuggly clothes and curled up on the sofa together - it was really nice. The last thing i wanted to do was have to get DD all dressed up again (she was in her PJs, and she is only 3), our coats were wet through, gloves soaked, hats soaked to go and take my mums poxy dog out.

Its ONE day!!! The dog wont die - has a huge garden to run around in so DD1 could throw some toys. I am sure there are plenty of other dogs who didn't get walked yesterday (mine included) - i didn't fancy slipping and sliding about on ice and its not exactly safe. Rather fancy the dogs don't want to be getting cold either (often wonder if dogs look out when we drag them out in the rain and think - FFS can we not just stay in the nice warm house!!).

Anyway, my mum smashed her phone up in a temper because her phone bill was "wrong" - she has a tendancy to do things like this, so i couldn't ring her to say i wasn't taking the dog out.

Can feel the bad vibes from the end of her road even this morning - i bet she is foaming at the mouth. Buit i don't think it was unreasonable - i think she was unreasonable to ask, especially as DD1 was perfectly capable!

OP posts:
Leo9 · 03/02/2009 09:49

Her dog, her responsibility

Can your mum not take her own dog out?

MadameCastafiore · 03/02/2009 09:53

Our dog didn;t go out yesterday - DS is sick, DD was off school but dog too strong for her and DH had to stay in town - wasn't allowed to come home incase he couldn't travel in today - it is a day - it is a dog - it will not die!

DH is going to get the shock of his life when I habd him the lead as he walks through the front door and tell him to walk it though!

Uriel · 03/02/2009 10:04

Agree with Leo9 - it's your mum's job.

Why should your Dd1 take the dog for a walk?

LucyEllensmummy · 03/02/2009 10:07

leo she does mostly, but to be fair, she is quite old and has a bit of a cold. The dog is too much for her actually - totally my fault as i got it for her (for company when my dad was in a care home and now passed away). He was dumped at the vets where i worked and we are all collectively at how huge this cute little bundle of fluff grew. We all predicted small collie size, we can only think it was much younger than the owners told us when they brought him in. Its now the size of a small wolfhound and has NO manners . I am dreading it, but i think there will be a time when she will no longer be able to cope with him but it will break her heart to let him go - he is too much of a liability to have around small children otherwise i would have him like a shot, he is a great dog and i will get stopped every time i take him out by people making comments on how stunning he is.

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LucyEllensmummy · 03/02/2009 10:09

Uriel - I think DD1 should have taken the dog because - she is quite happy to live at my mums rent free, she is quite happy to take money from my mum when she doesn't have any - which is all the time because she doesn't work, just bums around at my mums all day, or here, while she waits for her BF to pick her up after work. So to take the dog around the block for my mother wouldn't have hurt, but hey ho

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Uriel · 03/02/2009 10:14

Ah - that makes a lot more sense LEM - didn't know she lived at your mum's.

Leo9 · 03/02/2009 10:16

but it's not your fault LEM - you got the dog yes but your mum is an adult and can decide for herself whether she accepts the dog, or keeps the dog if it is proving too much for her

I don't 'know' you but it does sound from these posts that you are taking on an awful lot of responsibility for things/feelings which are totally not anything to do with you. Similarly with your DD1 it was an issue for her and your mum to deal with, no reason for you to get stressed by it IMO.

Are you very very close to your mum?

LucyEllensmummy · 03/02/2009 10:33

thats an interesting post leo - especially at that is basically waht my counsellor says to me!! I do feel totally responsible for the emotions of those around me and if they are stressed or angry - it churns my stomach.

I am close to my mum, in some ways but i find the relationship stressful. We are not close in as much as we enjoy each others company and do stuff together. Its very guilt driven. Not sure why, but my mother doesn't have to even say anything to make me feel bad. She is quite difficult to please - we bought her a digi box for her birthday - disaster, ended up on the phone to me in a strop because she didn't like the yellow writing that came up on the screen. My DD and her DP (can't believe my DD has a DP, but they have been together two years now - oh, i feel OLD) bought her a kettle - not good enough, in fact, nothings ever fecking good enough for her. I remember once buying her some perfume for her birthday - she didn't like it, she made me take it back to the shops , i was only 12! So as you can see, its a guilt laden relationship - i am an only child, she is not in the best of health, so its all down to me. The thing is, she does care, i know she loves me but she just gets me down - she often gives us money, which at times lately we have been very grateful for. But actually, i would rather she actually put herself out to babysit or something similar, she does occasionally but on her terms. We haven't been out since before xmas, and that was the night before xmas eve, food shopping - she moaned because we were over an hour

mmmmmmm - i think i have issues!!

OP posts:
Leo9 · 03/02/2009 10:41

LEM I don't think you have issues, you sound a very lovely person! Your MUM clearly has issues!!!!

Good on you as well for getting counselling, I'm sure I would bloody well need it if I'd been brought up in that atmosphere....does/can your counsellor give you strategies for letting go of this sense of responsbility for other's feelings, and/or for helping you not to be so sensitive to 'atmospheres' etc? Have you ever had CBT? Dunno if that might help?

How did we get here from dog walking?!

LucyEllensmummy · 03/02/2009 10:56

Im not really that nice leo, im quite self absorbed actually (as many of my past threads will bear witness too im sure), I get it from my mother!!!!! She's not a bad person, just a spoilt brat (like me).

The counselling is going well, i had to stamp my feet to get this on the NHS and consider myself very lucky actually. I could have pushed for CBT, which became miraculously available on the NHS when my DP took me to the doctors and told them if they didn't help me i wouldnt survive the year (i think he meant he would have killed me, i was driving him nuts ). But my counseller is very good and we are taking a CBT approach and its helpful. I'm supposed to be going today but my mother, i have just found out,DOES have the arse on about the the dog so wont even bother to ask her to have DD .

Dog walkiung to CBT ?? I think its a fairly straightforward link - dogs can bring out the worst in people, have you not seen the dog shit, dogs in parks, a dog licked my child threads on here!

OP posts:
Leo9 · 03/02/2009 10:59

logical, I see it now!

Oh well good luck with the counselling. Your mum does sound pretty toxic actually; can you imagine making it impossible for one of your DD's to get to a very important health appointment to 'punish' them for not walking your dog?

LucyEllensmummy · 03/02/2009 11:01

To be fair leo, she doesn't know that i have counselling - she would think i was "mental" .

OP posts:
Jenbot · 03/02/2009 11:47

If you didn't want to walk the dog, why not just say so in the first place instead of saying you would then going home instead?? I can't really understand that tbh.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say I think YA a bit U to get your mum a big dog she can't cope with and then not help out when your mum is ill. It won't die not having a walk, but it might misbehave all evening with the extra energy.

LucyEllensmummy · 03/02/2009 12:07

i intended to take the dog out, but then DD was cold and wet and she was my priority.

The point is i DO help out with the dog and so does DD1. I also do my mums shopping, trapsing arond the shops after here so i can hook stuff on the back of the pushchair, just popping into untold shops, i smoothe over officials after her outbursts, in the bank for example when she insisted they lost her money, it was a nightmare - the council tax benefit people will not even entertain her on the phone and will only talk to me. So please don't make out that i am bone idle when it comes to my mother. Its just that sometimes, i have to live my own life!

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 03/02/2009 12:08

You shouldn't have agreed to take the dog out. You promised to do something and then didn't bother (for whatever reason )

LucyEllensmummy · 03/02/2009 12:22

i didn't promise, i was backed into a corner

OP posts:
Gateau · 03/02/2009 12:23

I agree with soupdragon. A bit shitty of you, IMO.
Of course the dog is your Mum's responsibility. But don't promise to do something and then just not do it.

LucyEllensmummy · 03/02/2009 12:26

So you would rather i dragged DD back out in the wet with and already sodden coat on then? , no maybe i should have said no - but quite frankly, i wasn't brave enough

OP posts:
Gateau · 03/02/2009 12:30

Don't {hmm] at our replies just because we don't agree with what you did.
You did ask us after all!!

Leo9 · 03/02/2009 12:30

I was just going to say that LEM - obviously your mum's approach and extreme reactions make it easier for you to just slope off than to say "sorry, we're too cold and wet, we just need to go home now". this is clearly a complex and difficult relationship and I think it's a bit facile to just say what LEM did was a bit shitty...

This may sound lame and a bit patronising LEM but I seriously think assertiveness training is worth having. I had this as part of a work related course and for some people it can be life changing and revelatory because it can give you the tools and words to be able to state YOUR thoughts and wishes, no matter what is coming back at you.

Jenbot · 03/02/2009 12:33

I didn't say anything about you being bone idle! That has come right out of your own head!

Gateau · 03/02/2009 12:37

The OP cleary doesn't like to be dsagreed with!
Have just reread that your Mum is quite old and has a cold. Sorry, OP, but I think what you did/didn't do was really shitty given these facts.
I would try to make it up to your Mum in some small way. It would probably assuage your guilt too!

Casserole · 03/02/2009 13:20

If the dog has "no manners" then I'm sorry, that's not its fault. You/your Mum need to get it into some obedience classes. It's other crime seems to be being too big. I feel sorry for the poor thing, whoever walks it. It deserves better than this.

You won't like that answer, of course.

LucyEllensmummy · 03/02/2009 14:57

LMAO at casserole!! IF you only knew the life that "poor" dog leads, you would understand why your post is really very funny!

Yes, i suppose it was shitty, but in the circumstances i don;t think any reasonable person would have expected me to take DD out again. Least of all my mother who has just been round - didn;t mention the dog so i did, and her reaction was - Well im not surprised, far more important to get DD back in the warm! So ner ner ner ner, if my mum doesn't think i was out of order, then neither do i. I think DD took him out later on, after going out snowballing with her mates (she got better quick didn't she) so no one needs to feel bad - least of all me .

I'm perfectly happy to be disagreed with, am also happy to disagree right back - no offence taken of course

leo thankyou for your kind posts, yes my mother is a difficult person - she is just like the Nan on catherine tate one minute and then the kindest person i know the next. She sure does have issues, but then don't we all.

She has just taken the ill mannered beast on a two mile walk this morning - oh, when i say ill mannered, i just mean a bit excitable. no, alot excitable and too big to be trampling all over dd on her sledge.

OP posts:
LucyEllensmummy · 03/02/2009 14:59

jenbot - sorry, i did seem to jump on your response, not really sure why i did that - um, if you knew my mother though, you would understand - she is scarier than scary. I do worry that the dog is too big for her, but i'll not separate her from it now. Its her baby

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