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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For telling another mum that DS can no longer walk home with her son?

26 replies

MrsSnape · 02/02/2009 21:03

My 10 year old son has been walking home from school with his friend for the past few months. The idea was to give them a bit of independance and it has gone really well.

However a few weeks ago another kid decided he would walk home with them too. I wasn't happy in the first place as I knew the lad had a reputation but I told DS to use his own mind and to remember the way he is expected to behave, regardless of the people around him.

Anyway, this lad and DS's friend began knocking on doors and running away on the way home from school, mouthing off to other kids/adults and running wild in a neighbouring school's grounds. I have it on good faith that DS was not involved and walked on sensibly whilst the other two did this.

However, tonight he came home crying. Said some bloke had shouted in his face. I asked why and he said the other two boys were throwing snow balls at people's windows and running away. As he was not involved, he didn't run and at one house, the bloke came charging out, assumed it was DS and went nuts at him. He's a very sensitive boy and it has really upset him.

I know his friends mum and I'm thinking of just telling her he is no longer allowed to walk home with her son. If she asks why, I'll tell her the truth.

Am I being too over protective here? AIBU to put a stop to her son getting mine in trouble? is this what "10 year olds do" because everyone I've spoken to so far seems to think it's my DS who is the exception and the other two are normal

OP posts:

saadia · 02/02/2009 21:06

YANBU, the whole thing is obviously making him unhappy and it's no longer working for him and the kind of things the other boys are doing are really not acceptable.

LoveMyLapTop · 02/02/2009 21:07

YANBU, I would tell the other Mum what happened and why you have made the decision.
Sad for your DS

HerBeatitudeLittleBella · 02/02/2009 21:08

I think I'd be more annoyed with the bully who had yelled at him than the other boy tbh.

I think I would ask my DS whether he wanted to continue walking home with this boy or not. It's a bit disempowering for him at this age, to have me make that decision for him. I'd probably talk to him about the pros and cons, but I think I'd let him make the decision tbh.

Might have a word with the boy's mum about her DS's behaviour though if my DS decided he wanted to continue to walk with this boy though - I don't think that's too over-protective.

controlfreakythecontrolfreak · 02/02/2009 21:10

well, first i'd tell the mum what's been going on..... and i'd ask ds what he wants to do?

eNABlemetobebetter · 02/02/2009 21:10

Does the other mum rely on your son to walk home with him to make sure he gets home okay? If not, why do you need to tell her anything? Tell your son to walk home alone, or you meet him for a bit, and I am sure the other boy will soon tell his mum.

controlfreakythecontrolfreak · 02/02/2009 21:12

wouldnt you want to know if it was your 10 yo ds behaving like this on the way home? i would....

Original poster

MrsSnape · 02/02/2009 21:14

Well tonight DS told me to text her and tell his friend not to bother calling for him in morning.

When he got upset, the two boys laughed at him and called him a wimp and a cry-baby.

Its a shame because 'Boy-a' on his own is a great kid but he's so easily influenced and the other kid just drives me to do the most stupid things. I've tried telling DS in the past about "guilty by association" but tonight he really realised what I meant I feel really sad for him because he never puts a foot wrong and still he gets treat like he's just as bad as the others.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsSnape · 02/02/2009 21:16

I don't really want him to walk home completely on his own. He'd probably be fine but it's quite a walk (a good 20 minutes or so) and as I have to pick up DS2 from the same school he may as well just come with me rather than walk on his own.

OP posts:

eNABlemetobebetter · 02/02/2009 21:27

Why not just do that for a few days?

CreativeZen · 02/02/2009 21:32

Perhaps if you tell the other mum what is happening, she will instruct her ds not to walk with the "bad" boy and then your ds can resume his walks as before.

roisin · 02/02/2009 21:58

My boys are completely reliable on their own (20 mins home), but are more likely to get up to mischief or behave inappropriately near busy roads if they are with a group, or together.

I've always told them to walk home (since age of 7) on their own and not with mates.

I wouldn't involve the other parents at all tbh. I'd just tell your ds not to walk with them tomorrow.

I wouldn't have any patience at all with any sort of messing about whilst unaccompanied at this age. It's good that your ds is not easily led, and you need to make sure he continues to behave in the way you expect. Then it will be easy to trust him with more freedom when he's older.

HerbWoman · 02/02/2009 23:03

I think if you originally made an arrangement with the other boy's mum that your DS's would walk together you should mention it to her, and I would tell her why too. I'd be miffed if my DD was behaving that way and no-one told me.

HerBeatitudeLittleBella · 02/02/2009 23:24

Actually, I too would want to know if DS wasn't behaving himself walking home.

Would want to take away the privilege for a while as a sanction.

CreativeZen · 03/02/2009 08:48

If the other mum doesn't know what her ds is doing, you should let her know. I'd be furious if another mum (with whom I was at least on nodding terms if nothing more) knew that my ds was misbehaving and only acted to protect her own ds without letting me know what was happening.

lisalisa · 03/02/2009 08:55

Wow roisin -whereabuots are you as 20 min walk at age 7 seems pretty far and risky IMVHO.

seeker · 03/02/2009 08:59

I do think you need to tell the other parents. And I don't see a problem with a 10 year old walking home on his own - he'll be a secondary next year, after all. I would also reserve judgement about whether my ds had been involved, TBH, so go easy on the other parents!

Fairynufff · 03/02/2009 09:09

YANBU - I feel for you and your son. Very reasonable too not to blame boy A. I would. I would go off both barrels if my son was in this situation.

moomaa · 03/02/2009 12:22

In a way it's good this has happened now as it's a good lesson for him on how to choose friends at secondary.

I would have a chat with the other parent as you know them and I'd want to know if I was that parent. I'd be most angry with the man that shouted. How horrible to be like that to a boy. It was only a snowball. My DH shouted at boys throwing snowballs at our car and I thought he was a bit of a meanie.

roisin · 03/02/2009 18:08

lisalisa - it's only 20 mins at their dawdling pace. I can do it in about 12.

I'm very much into freedom and relaxed boundaries though. My boys are on a very loose rein. It's what I always intended to do with my children, as I enjoyed having freedom and independence as a child. So I'm pleased I've been able to achieve those intentions in reality for my children.

We do live in a medium-sized town, but it's quite a friendly place where people look out for one another. The boys are 9 and 11 now and have masses of freedom. Walking to/from school on their own was a stepping stone towards this.

Drum · 03/02/2009 18:26

Can I just defend the shouty man a bit? A couple of years ago I ran down the street after some boys of this age who threw an egg at our bedroom window. My (very ill) DD was asleep up there and I was seriously sleep deprived at the time. I could have happily strangled those boys (which was out of character). Perhaps shouty man had had a similarly rubbish day?

lisalisa · 03/02/2009 23:29

roisin - genuine question here - more aimed at when they were 7 rather than now - weren't you worried about them arriving safely- negotiating traffic/being kidnapped/just getting lost etc?

roisin · 04/02/2009 06:13

Of course there are concerns. But I prepared them adequately so that I was confident that - excepting extreme circumstances - they would be safe.

I always try not to 'worry', because I think of that as a very negative/pointless action. If I have concerns I act on them, if I find myself pointlessly worrying I try and distract myself.

Generally I'm a logical person, rather than emotional. I know the boys know what to do if they get lost. The greatest risk is from traffic. I genuinely do not worry about abduction, because I believe the fear of abduction is damaging children and their parents.

On Sunday at about 2pm ds2 (9) asked dh if there was time for him to go and call for a mate and go out to play. Dh responded "Yes, it won't get dark until 5pm, so there's loads of time". When he told me I realised straight away that ds2 would have interpreted this as "you must be back by 5pm". At 4.30 I was - despite myself - starting to worry, and I phoned my mum to take my mind off things. She was a bit shocked as to how long ds2 had been out. When I reminded her that I always appreciated the similar/greater freedoms that we had as children, and that 30 years ago she didn't worry; my mum responded "How do you know we didn't worry?"

I feel very strongly that children should have the opportunity to be independent and have some freedom, and that trying to eliminate all risk is harmful to their development. Feel the fear and do it anyway!

Of course it's about a reasoned consideration of the real risks. There are plenty of neighbourhoods in the UK where I wouldn't be happy for a 14 yr-old to be out unaccompanied, let alone a 9 yr-old, but fortunately I don't live in one of them.

lisalisa · 04/02/2009 09:24

roisin - thank you for your response. I find your pov refreshing and reasoned . I think as you say it largely depends how you bring your kids up and where you live. In a small market town or village i would probably be more inclined to think like you even if I were not to actually give my kids these freedoms . I live in a suburb of london where there is heavy traffic and find that my 12 yr old is unable to negotiate main roads let alone my 7 yr old. It depends a lot on the child though as my 9 yr old ds is a lot more savvy. In fact if i really had to i could just about trust him to get to the shops and back ( by trust i don't mean that he would get into trouble - just that all the zillions of possiblities that would shoot around my head could probalby be dealt with by him - therefore if approached by a stranger who meant him harm he'd be savvy enough either to scream or move into a shop or other safe place, he'd know a safe place to cross and wiat h9owefver long it would take to get across and if something unplanned happened would know how to contact me - he could go into a shop and ask to use the phone - knows our telephome number and number of police etc).

I do thin kyour attitude more healthy than mine and those like me who keep our kids on a relatively tight leash but find myself unable to allow the kids these freedoms.

Well done to you.

seeker · 04/02/2009 09:52

Roisin - I share your attitude. My children have always had more freedom than most. I live in the country, and I am happy for them to go off on their bikes the way we all imagine we did as children. My 7 year old does not use public transport alone yet, but if we lived in walking distance from school he would certainly walk home (they are allowed to with permission once they are in year 3). However, 5 miles each way is a bit much even for my robust attitudes!

My 13 year old has been using public transport alone and going into town with her friends since she started Secondary school.

I feel that they they need to learn how to look after themselves. I worry for the children of some of my friends who are never expected to make any sort of judgement about their own safety or manage the unexpected - even if the unexpected is just missing the bus or losing your purse. These children will possibly soon be away at University or at work. If they haven't practiced using their judgement about situations how are they going to manage?

On Sunday, I had to drive my dd and her friend 15 miles to the nearest Top Shop because the friend's mother would not let her travel on the train because "you never know what might happen". Bizarre!

roisin · 04/02/2009 10:47

I agree completely Seeker.

ds1 hadn't used public transport alone until he started secondary, and I realised there were all sorts of potential problems: finding his way from the bus stop to the school, missing the bus, losing his money, losing his ticket, the bus arriving very late at school and him having to explain himself, the bus running late in the afternoon, etc. etc.

But we talked him through some of the scenarios, did a practice run with him, and he was completely cool with it. In fact on his second 'introductory day' in yr6 it wasn't convenient for us to pick him up. We were going to arrange a lift for him, but he said he'd be fine on the bus.

The older students at the bus stop were really impressed at a 10 yr-old (he's one of the youngest in his year) being that independent. And chatting to them at the bus stop was one of the highlights of the day for him.

He has met some of the tricky scenarios, but not all yet, but has taken them in his stride. Being able to do this independently has given him so much confidence and freedom.

This year at Christmas he chose to save up the surplus from his bus/lunch money allowance and buy us all small gifts at the shops on his way home from school. This was very special, and so much more meaningful because he had made the decision and implemented the plan entirely independently and secretly.

Of course he could choose to use these skills/this freedom to try and buy cigarettes, drugs or alcohol; but we trust him and feel the potential benefits outweigh the possible dangers.

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