To expect DS's dad to get out of bed before noon occassionally so that he can see his son?

[curlygal]

I am so fed up my my Ex (DS's dad) and I need to know if perhaps I am being a bit judgemental and unreasonable so I am calling on the mumsnet jury to decide...

Ex and I split up almost two years ago due. I left him due to his unreasonable behaviour (drinking heavily, refusal to take on adult responsiblity etc)

He now lives on his own and is supposed to see DS a couple of times a week and is supposed to pay some child maintainence at the start of the month.

He has been seeing DS less and less recently with excuses like "I'm too tired", "I don't feel well" etc and has got even worse at paying maintainance. I have to ask him several times and he will eventually give me it in parts which isn;t ideal as I have to pay nursery fees and bills etc.

Today I called him (after 3pm) to ask him if he could pick up DS tomorrow at 1pm. HE WAS STILL IN BED. I asked him if he woudl see DS tomorrow and he said "hmmm I'm kind of tired at the moment". I then asked if he would please go to the bank to pay the money into my account as I needed to pay the nursery fees today, when I checked my balance now the money is not there.

I;ve had a hellish day battling with DS to get him dressed and then to take him to nursery adn to get myself to work in crap weather. I felt really annoyed when I spoke to Ex as he just has no idea what it is like actually being a parent to a child. I cannot imagine having a day off., let alone one where I am still in bed at 3pm, and do not even manage to go out to the bank (5 mins walk) to pay in my child maintainance.

Am I being unreasonable to be throughly fed up with this behaviour or should I just accept that at least he occassionaly sees his son and usually eventually pays something each month?

Sounds very odd to be still in bed after 3pm.
Is he working nights or very ill or something like that which you dont know about?

TBH if he is just unreliable then try and make all your plans as if he's not around to help and then if he does step in and help with picking up DS etc it will be a bonus.

Have you thought about the CSA for chasing maintenance money?

is he stil drinking a lot? sounds like he's spending maintenance on booze and can't get up/keep regular hours because of alcohol dependancy. (of course I'm just projecting my personal experience...)

YANBU

Sounds like a thoroughly useless cunt.

does he work nights/.

YANBU at all! His behaviour is dire and completely irresponsible. He's behaving like a student.

I also think that there's a drinking problem lurking there.

If he was working nights, why wouldn't he mention it?

Actually, wouldn't it be great if that was the case.

But the drinking too much is far more likely, unfortunately.

Yes, I think that it is his drinking that is out of hand again.

He works in a restaurant so does involve some late nights. Not nearly as many as he likes to make out though. Most night he would finish work at ten or eleven, problem is drinking after work.

I supported myseslf through uni working in bars and even as an actual student I didn;t stay in bed till 3pm.

Am just so frustrated and fed up with him and have no one to turn.

I know not all students are like that curlygal! Just generalising

What kind of support do you have aside from him? (ie family, friends) - reading between the lines it sounds like not much.

The problem is with people like your XP, you can't MAKE them behave responsibly so you will need to seek support from other sources.

I do sympathise, am an LP myself with not too much practical support. I know how hard it can be.

Sorry Janos - I didn;t mean that in response to your post!

I don;t have much support - DS is in nursery when I am at work but that is it. Occassionally I can get him into nursery for an extra couple of hours so I can go to the gym but he;s pretty much with me 24/7. I just want a wee break sometimes and it is so frustrating that DS's dad is lying in bed when either I am paying nursery fees or looking after him all day and all night everyday as his dad is "too tired". I am just so tired but I have no choice!

I know you didn't don't worry!

You'll get lots of support on here anyway. Talking about paying nursery fees etc...are you getting all tax credits you are entitled to?

Have you thought about this place Just a starting point but could be useful?

Also, where are you based? You could try mumsnet local.

As all my friend with kids are married I feel that I am constantly moaning to them and it is hard for them to understand how trying Ex is!

I get some tax credits but as I have just gone part time I am earning less and not getting more tax credits as based on last year's income. I rely on Ex at least coughing up something each month even if i had to beg and plead for days to get anything.

I had a look at the gingerbread site but they don;t seem to have anything in Scotland Will try mumsnet local as could really do with a single parent pal or two!

Hmm, are you Edinburgh? Just wondering as that's where I stay and your name is ringing a bell.

I totally sympathise as similar situation...all friends are partnered up. The challenges of being a single parent are something else, I know!

Understand about the tax credits thing, me too, but on the plus side you will get a lump sum when you renew your claim. Not that it helps now obviously.

Yes I am in Edinburgh, I feel like I am the only single parent in the whole city, as EVERYONE I meet is married! Glad to hear that I am not really the only one

Just having a bad day, most of the time I am fine and much happier on my own than with Ex but there are days when it's all a bit much

i'm in west lothian with an arse for exdp. feel free to arrange a meeting whereby you moan all you like

Yep I know those days curlygal I reckon we all get them!

If you are up for a meeting then let me know.

We are out there, we just disguise ourselves as normal people.. (joke )!

Yep I know those days curlygal I reckon we all get them!

If you are up for a meeting then let me know.

We are out there, we just disguise ourselves as normal people.. (joke )!

Aargh double post..apologies.

Sounds like it's pretty awful for you and I do sympathise.

However, is it possible that your ex is suffering from depression? Lethargy, feeling disconnected from relationships, finding straightforward tasks impossible etc are all symptoms of depression.

Not sure what you can practically do if this is the case, but may be worth considering as an explanation for his behaviour?

I have wondered if he might be depressed, but if I were to suggest this he would treat me with even more derision than normal!
unfortunately it is far more likely to be pure laziness and alcohol. He was like this when we were together, which is one of the reasons I left!

He only socialises with the people from his work who are younger and also drink a lot so it is unlikely that anyone else would notice.