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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder why I am getting the blame?

25 replies

Frasersmum123 · 02/02/2009 17:50

I dont really get on with my MIL, which is why I might be getting the blame, but here goes.

When DD was born(4 months ago), DH and his mum agreed she could come over once a week and take out DS (an arrangement I wasnt really happy with but I agreed because otherwise DH and I argue) She came over for a few mondays and then it kind of petered out, and then it was fridays, then it was not at all for a couple of weeks - she hasnt been on a monday for 4 weeks.

So this morning I took DS for his HV check, and then went to soft play for an hour. When I got home there was three AP messages for me. I at 8.56 from MIL saying she was coming over. One at 9.15 saying that she was outside and could I let her in, and then another at 9.18 saying she was still waiting outside. After that she must have left.

Now both DH and MIL are upset with me (I couldnt care less that she is, but im upset that DH is upset). There was no arrangement, and the way I see it im not going to hang around to see if she is coming over or not, especially as she isnt my favourite person, so I could do without her coming over and talking all her crap to me (Isreal/Gordon Brown./etc etc)

AIBU?

OP posts:

TheThoughtPolice · 02/02/2009 17:51

hang on where is DD in all this ?

BouncingTurtle · 02/02/2009 17:52

No... I don't think you are, but I'm sure someone else will say you are.

Why don't you get on with your MIL, btw?

WEESLEEKITLauriefairycake · 02/02/2009 17:54

I'd be very angry with my DH if that were the case, that is shit - you can't hang around waiting for someone who may or may not turn up.

CarGirl · 02/02/2009 17:56

I would just apologise and keep reitterating that as she hasn't been nor told you she's not coming on a Monday for 4 weeks you weren't expecting her to turn up. Then let it wash over you because not it's not all your fault it is miscommunication on both (or all) sides.

Original poster

Frasersmum123 · 02/02/2009 17:57

DD was with me!

OP posts:

dmo · 02/02/2009 17:57

if its not a soild arrangment dont feel bad really she should have phoned b4 8.56am but as you didnt pick up me being me (if i was your mil) would have waited 5mins and tried to phone you again b4 setting off

compo · 02/02/2009 17:58

just explain again to dh and say that he needs to tell MIL to ring the night before , not 15 minutes before

KatieScarlett2833 · 02/02/2009 17:59

YANBU, tell your DH to grow a pair and stand up for you instead of siding with mummy.

ANTagony · 02/02/2009 17:59

Are you sure your DH is upset with you and not just upset that he had his ear bent by an upset mum?

I would phone your MIL and appologise that you weren't in (not that you're in the wrong btw) . State that you hadn't expected a visit and would welcome her on another occassion maybe you could set a date.

These things always seem to grow if left to stew.

At least if you do this you've been the grown up and offered the olive branch. What she chooses to do with it is up to her and hopefully your DH will be satisfied you've made an effort.

Original poster

Frasersmum123 · 02/02/2009 17:59

I find my MIL very irritating, and she is very 'in-your-face' in both her attitude and views on everything! Our relationship broke down 8 years ago when she told me that DS1 contracted Meningitus because I didnt BF him, and she co-slept with DS when I asked her not to. We are very different people with very different views, but we tolerate each other!

OP posts:

Original poster

Frasersmum123 · 02/02/2009 18:00

No, DH is upset with me, I always lose in anything like this!

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 02/02/2009 18:04

your MiL IBU, not you.
I wouldn't apologise as such, as it will validate her behaviour, but do phone to explain that, as you had had no word that she would be coming, you had other arrangements made that you had no reason to break.

Your DH needs to grow up and cut the umbilical here - he should be supporting you, not his M in this instance.

Bullerbychildren · 02/02/2009 18:07

Why don't you try making your DH happy by befriending MIL instead of slagging her off on here? Remember you have a DS and will probably be a MIL yourself one day.

Original poster

Frasersmum123 · 02/02/2009 18:10

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 02/02/2009 18:12

oh ignore her, FM.

Janos · 02/02/2009 18:14

She IBU not you.

You can't stay in on the off chance that someone will pop round and then be upset if you aren't there.

I don't see where Frasersmum is slagging off her MIL? She's criticising her behaviour which is entirely different.

LadyPinkofPinkerton · 02/02/2009 18:15

You need to tell your DH that you are his family and should be the people he sides with. Obviously its not good that you don't have a great relationship with you MIL, but you were actually at an appointment anyway.

Your DH is as unreasonable as your MIL to think you were in the wrong here, no matter what the other problems are

PlumBumMum · 02/02/2009 18:21

Don't apologise but ring her and explain that you were at the health visitor, and if she wanted to make an arrangement for anotherday to let you know to see if it was suitable

Tell your dh hes married to you and not his mother

Original poster

Frasersmum123 · 02/02/2009 18:31

Thanks everyone.

Have just phoned her and arranged for another day. She said that she thought we had an arrangement for Mondays, and when I said that she hadnt been roundon a monday since before Xmas, and that I wasnt going to wait in every monday incase she came round she huffed and puffed, and then made excuses and ended the call.

I am not slagging my MIL off, just explaining why we dont get on.

OP posts:

EightiesChick · 02/02/2009 18:39

YANBU in my view - one thing that also comes to mind is: why didn't MIL ring your mobile (assuming you have one but most people do) when she tried the house and got the answerphone? That's what I'd do with anyone I was going round to see.

PlumBumMum · 02/02/2009 18:41

Didn't sound like you were slagging her off to me
My MIL brill, can't say the same about my mum at the min anyway I assumed thats what mumsnet was for abit of venting

eNABlemetobebetter · 02/02/2009 18:42

I don't think you are in the wrong.

MIL should have phoned first to check it was okay since it stopped being a regular thing.

Your DH probably feels in the middle but you have to come before his mother now. Imo.

Bullerbychildren · 02/02/2009 19:10

Why should she ignore me, thumbwitch? Is it unacceptable to you that one woman might try to get on with another woman? The MIL bashing on MN is ruddy endless.

thumbwitch · 02/02/2009 19:34

no. She should ignore you BBC because you said she was slagging her MIL off, which she wasn't. As other posters have pointed out.

WinkyWinkola · 02/02/2009 19:44

Is it endless MIL bashing, Buller? Maybe some people have a reason to not get on with their MILs. Weird POV that just because you married her son, you have to get on with your MIL despite some of the amazing behaviours I've heard on here and experienced myself from MIL.

YANBU, FM123. And don't apologise. Just ask her again when she would like to come over.

Your DH shouldn't really take her side over yours in this case.

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