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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give my two dc to ex husband because I can no longer cope?

24 replies

forgottenviolet · 02/02/2009 02:38

My ex husband is in a better position than me to care for them. He is a good father, but is not good at the part-time daddy/visiting thing.
He said he will have them and would be happy.
Obviously, it would break my heart to actually have to leave them, but I feel I am not physically and emotionally well enough to at the moment.
I had a baby a few days ago and wonder if this is clouding my judgment. ExH is pushing for a decision, my family will disown me if I do.
Would it be unreasonable for me to leave under the circumstances?

OP posts:

SuperBunny · 02/02/2009 02:51

I think you need time to think it through. I understand your reasoning but I really don't think you can make a good decision yet.

Can you talk with someone about this?

Are you getting any help with your health? And with the new baby? Where are your family?

BONKERZ · 02/02/2009 03:01

dont make any decisions now. Have you spoken with your midwife about how you are feeling? You are bound to feel overwhelmed right now and like you cannot cope but these feeling will pass if you talk to your midwife you can get help. Your children love you and need you. Do not be pressured into something that you will regret.

Original poster

forgottenviolet · 02/02/2009 03:03

Healthwise I mean still haven't quite recovered from the birth and am tired and emotional.
Exh is looking after the dc at the moment leaving me to concentrate on the baby, which is fine. I feel they would be better with him.he will not help much otherwise.
My family would help when they can but they are very busy.

OP posts:

Amandoh · 02/02/2009 03:03

Please don't do anything rash. You've only just had a baby and you're probably not thinking quite as clearly as you usually do.

It's very common to feel a bit overwhelmed for the first few weeks after having a baby and you probably just need a bit more support. Can you talk to your HV about this? Would your ex Husband consider being a bit more hands on just until you feel a bit more back to normal? Would he have them all for one night so you can get a full nights sleep?

You say you think your family would disown you if you gave the children to your husband. If that's the case then would they be willing to help you out? Could you and the children stay with them for a while or maybe just the older child then you can concentrate on yourself and the baby for a few days. Could one of them come and stay with you?

Please, please talk to someone tomorrow and please come back here and let us know how you are getting on.

You will get through this.

ClaudiaSchiffer · 02/02/2009 03:04

Do you have any help forgottenviolet? Could your ex have the other dc's for a shortish time (a week or 2) whilst you concentrate on your new baby and getting yourself stronger?

It does seem to me that you are trying to make an absolutely momentous decision that you may well regret at a very difficult time. A few days after having a baby we all feel overwhelmed and unable to cope.

Don't make any definite decisions now, make some temporary arrangements so you can concentrate on yourself/your new baby - get all the help you can. And in a few weeks/months time when you feel stronger maybe then sit down and discuss with your ex the childrens living arrangements.

So sorry you feel this way.

Original poster

forgottenviolet · 02/02/2009 03:07

No I haven't spoken to the midwife yet. Might it be something postnatal ie depression, or is this normal?
I do feel pressured now I've mentioned to exh. I can't think what to do for the best. Unhappiness at giving the children to him or fear at being unable to cope and be a good mother to the dc

OP posts:

ClaudiaSchiffer · 02/02/2009 03:13

How many children do you have violet? Do you have family living nearby who you can call on?

I really think you need to say to ex-H that you cannot possibly make any kind of long-term decisions for at least another 6 months. Do NOT give into pressure from him. But DO get all the help you can. Talk to HV/MW/GP, rope in friends and family, I'm sure anyone would be delighted to help you out whilst your baby is so new - take advantage of peoples good nature .

Have you had depression in the past? Is there any reason why you feel you will be unable to cope (apart from the fact that bringing up kids is bloody hard and we all find it a strain at times)?

notevenamousie · 02/02/2009 05:30

Violet, I'm so sorry you feel like this. I think you need lots and lots of help, talking and time. Getting it when you feel like this is the hard thing though. Talk to your MW/ HV. Take up anyone who has offered help on their offer. Are you sleeping as much as the baby allows?

It sounds like your XH and your family are being quite manipulative. Do you have anyone impartial to talk to IRL?

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 02/02/2009 08:20

2 days after having a baby is not the time to be making such decisions and I am cross with your ex for taking advantage at such a time, when he should be suggesting that you have a word with midwife.

I agree with the others that you need to talk to someone.

IamLeticiaDean · 02/02/2009 08:29

Please talk this through with someone. As people have said you are bound to feel overwhelmed right now. Just because you have mentioned this to your ex husband does not mean you have any obligation to make a decision. Could it be that you said this to him as a cry for help?

eNABlemetobebetter · 02/02/2009 08:31

Having so recently had a baby is no time to be making any decisions.

I don't get how he would want them full time if he can't do the part time bit?

My friend has just got divorced and one of the children lives with his dad as he likes where dad lives and the others live with mum. It can work but I know my friend would rather have all her children with her.

Hassled · 02/02/2009 08:34

I agree that you are not going to be making any rational decisions when you've just had a baby - and any decisions you make now a) you might regret later and b) will seem to the DC like you're favouring the baby, which will severely affect their relationship with him/her.

I think you need to struggle on for a few months and then think about it. Get as much help as you can in the meantime - don't be proud about asking for help. One possibility is shared custody, which works well for some (worked well for me).

NotPlayingAnyMore · 02/02/2009 08:43

Sounds like you have the baby blues so XH should not be "pushing for a decision".
If he "is not good at the part-time daddy/visiting thing" what makes him think he'll be good at the the full time job?

Nighbynight · 02/02/2009 09:15

forgottenviolet - I echo others; DONT make any decisions for at least a year, and DO push for as much support as you can get, from your family and friends.

you have just had a BABY! it is not known as labour for nothing.

LucyEllensmummy · 02/02/2009 10:11

In one of your messages violet, you say that he is a good father, but not good with visits? That is not a good father and he is pressumably your ex for a reason. He sounds horribly manipulative.

You are all over the place and just had a baby - is the baby his? And if not, is the father around to help out? Everyone pretty much experiences a dip on day two/three post natally but do watch for post natal depression. You are understandably overwhelmed at the moment, but there is help out there.

Speak to your midwife and HV, ask them if you have a local homestart in your area, they will be able to offer you REAL practical help. Even if it is a volunteer to come around and have a chat or play with the older children while you catch up with the little baby.

If your Ex was a decent man, he wouldn't even entertain your suggestion right now - he would be offering to help out as much as he can FOR THE SAKE OF HIS CHILDREN. Can you imagine how your children will feel if you send them to live with their dad and keep the baby with you? I know you THINK you would be helping them but you wont be. Your children love and need you - how old are they? Old enough to help out with the bairn? little things like fetching and carrying at bathtime etc.

By all means let them stay with their dad whilst you find your feet, but get them home to bond with their new baby brother or sister.

Good luck - as others have said, you will get through this
xx

Leo9 · 02/02/2009 10:32

good posts on here.

Giving your children to their dad at this point in time would be so damaging to them; how would you feel, literally pushed out by the new baby?!

You'd simply be storing up worse problems for all of you in the future.

Please phone the midwives/Health visitors this morning and get them round to you. also a family member. The way you are feeling makes this an emergency situation IMO, certainly for your other children.

You need IMO to get all the support you can so that you can make a short term plan for coping without these feelings.

Maybe in the long term the other kids might even be better off with their dad, who is to say - but that is not a decision for right now, not by any means.

Please get help around you; what about the father of the new baby?

Qally · 02/02/2009 10:42

You've had a baby mere days ago, you're exhausted, overwhelmed, recovering from a huge physical event, with hormones everywhere... and your ex is pushing you for an immediate decision on a huge life change for your DC, saying he won't help you (THEM) unless he gets what he wants? He's taking absolute advantage, and frankly your kids deserve better from him.

You've done this before, remember how much of a shell-shock those first few weeks are? It will get better. Refuse to be bullied and take your time - this is a very fraught life stage, but it passes in a matter of weeks, and normal life resumes. Try to imagine that future normal life if you do hand them over, with you as a part-time absentee Mum to your eldest DC, with your ex controlling contact and making the major decisions on their lives and where they live, and if that's what you really want.

naturalbornmum · 02/02/2009 11:07

Please, please don't do this, you are in frame of mind to make a descion (having a baby defintley clouds your judgement). Say no to ex-h and concentrate on getting through this difficult time. Please use all resources avaialbale to you for support and speak to your HV about this. Good luck.

sorrento · 02/02/2009 11:54

Don't you dare, you'll regret this for the rest of your life.
I had heart surgery when I was 9 and my Mum had 12 month old twins.
It was decided it would be best for to go to my Dad's whilst I recovered and I never went back. I have 0 relationship with either of them now for various reasons but I will never ever leave my children no matter what.

duchesse · 02/02/2009 12:03

Your Ex is being an arse to pressurise you about this now. Is/ was he controlling when you were with him, dare I ask?

Tell him you cannot under any circumstances make a decision about this now and that if he continues harassing you about it, you will say NO! That should stop him bugging you for a bit. Apart from anything else, what signals would it give to the two children concerned that they were moved when baby brother/sister arrived?

My advice would be not to change anything just yet at this time. Stay for time until you're feeling strong enough to make the decision with a clear head.

dangfando · 02/02/2009 14:35

Don't do it! Not now. Right after giving birth is no time to be making such momentous decisions! Your emotions will be all over the place. What's the rush to make a decision?

naturalbornmum · 02/02/2009 19:41

OP - Are you ok?

Amandoh · 03/02/2009 15:45

ForgottenViolet ~ Also wondering if you're ok?

Katiestar · 03/02/2009 16:41

No you are hormonal and not thinking straight !
Couldn't he take them for a week to give you a braek though ?

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