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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to shout at Sis's DP?

23 replies

StressedTess · 01/02/2009 21:08

Spent the weekend at a family get together. Younger Sis and her DP were there. No one in the family likes him - he is tolerated because Sis is the PLB and very spoilt. The reason no one likes him is because he beat Sis up while pregnant (and put her in hospital), is a manic depressive and threatens suicide when she threatens to leave him and is basically a complete waste of time (does'nt help with their DS, can't hold down a job and spends all his free time on his hobby). My parents basically support my sister and have to continuously bail them out. I really don't know how he can show his face to everybody really but he does'nt seem to care .

At the weekend,Sis's DP had been having words with my Mum and told her she was talking a load of shit . I was in shock myself that my Dad, Sis and the rest of the family did not say anything thing to him about that. My DS (7)was pretending to sweep the kitchen floor, this was shortly after Sis's DS had been doing it. Then the twat marched over to my DS, grabbed the broom very agressively and shouted, 'Don't touch that again, it's dangerous' . Still no one said anything!! So i just launched myself at him and shouted 'Don't you dare speak to DS like that'. Was shaking as so angry and DS ran upstairs and would not come down again. Terrible atmosphere afterwards.

It really ruined my weekend and DH wanted to punch him. Last Christmas, when we all stayed at my parents, Sis's DP was telling off my DCs of all the time as they were making noise when their DS was asleep and I had to have a go at him then.

AIBU to tell my parents that we will not be attending any more family get togethers while that twat is there? I really cannot understand why Sis does not tell him to stay at home cos she knows everyones feelings about him!

OP posts:

moondog · 01/02/2009 21:11

Well,I wouldn't be able to share the smae air space as anyone who physically attacked my pregnant sister so am frankly surprised that you have not already done him over in a dark alley.

ChiefMangosuthuButhelezi · 01/02/2009 21:11

No, not unreasonable, I would stay away as well.

ChiefMangosuthuButhelezi · 01/02/2009 21:12

I think moondog has the right idea

Mung · 01/02/2009 21:14

Sounds like a nasty piece of work. Keep out of his way and make sure your DS knows to stay well away from him too. I hope your sister comes to her senses soon and leaves him.

AnyFucker · 01/02/2009 21:14

yanbu

I agree with moondog

male members of my family would have knee-capped him by now (and we are not a violent family)

the problem with "men" like this is that it is the only thing they understand

Original poster

StressedTess · 01/02/2009 21:18

Moondog - DH would have loved to do that and my Mum stopped my Dad doing it as she was afraid of the police getting involved (Sis would not press any charges BTW cos he was Sorry and she loves him - puking emoticon). Right now, I can hardly believe that we all have been trying to act normally around him . We have to put up with him because of her .

OP posts:

moondog · 01/02/2009 21:19

Ypur parents are normalising his behaviour by allowing him to be in their home.Fucking unforgivable.

What's his hobby btw?

ChiefMangosuthuButhelezi · 01/02/2009 21:20

The only reason I think anyone would put up with this shit off someone else is if they are trying to maintain the contact between them and the person they love. Clearly this guy has some sort of hold over your sister and your parents don't want him to isolate her any more than he has done.
That tactic doesn't always work though.

Original poster

StressedTess · 01/02/2009 21:25

Moondog - not as easy as that though cos Sis probably would not come if he did'nt!! Sis is so spoilt, my parents would do anything for her. Just can't believe that she would allow him to talk to my Mum and DS like that. Would like to bang her head against a very hard wall!! Won't mention hobby as may be recognisable.

OP posts:

noonki · 01/02/2009 21:31

How does he treat you DNs?

Did you used to get on with your sis as you seem bitter towards her. If someone was treating my sister like this I would be mortified for her and doubt I would view her as spoilt.

Your parents are probably terrifed for her.

Original poster

StressedTess · 01/02/2009 21:38

Noonki - the only bitterness (if you could call it that) that I have is of all the stress that this has caused my parents. Sis has admitted she does not love the bloke and tried to leave before they had a DS but felt sorry for him. He is very protective of DN (to the point of obsessive)but does not seem to think that he needs to provide for him .

My mum is terrified for my Sis and I don't know how she involve him in family situations knowing that.

OP posts:

ChiefMangosuthuButhelezi · 01/02/2009 21:44

She doesn't want to lose her daughter or her grandchild, that will be the only reason.
I'm in a similar situation as my bil is also a nutter and my sister hasn't spoken to us for about four years. My parents don't see the grandkids, and they put up with a lot of shit from him, and bailed them out. It's very sad, and I wouldn't wish the situation on anyone.
Sometimes you can try and do everything right and help as much as you can, but it doesn't mean you can turn the situation around.

Bubbaluv · 01/02/2009 21:49

How can you take your DS along to these events knowing this guy is going to be there??
I would simply never put my child in that situation. Organise to see your parents when he won't be there and get them over to your place where you have full say in who is invited and who isn't.
You can feel sorry for your sister all you want, but don't make her problem into your son's problem.
Maybe try and put her in touch with an organisation that can counsel her about how best to deal with the situation. Maybe also put your parent's in touch with someone who might be able to help them to help her.
But whatever you do surely your son has to be your first priority?

Original poster

StressedTess · 01/02/2009 22:17

Bubbaluv - Maybe you should read posts properly before replying. I am not worried about my DSs safety around this guy. Please do not insinuate that I would put my DCs in danger by attending a family party !. I was angry at the way he told my DS off and spoke to my Mum. I do not feel sorry for my sister either, I said SHE felt sorry for her DP which is why she has not left him and has inflicted him on the rest of us.

Counselling is not really the answer here!

OP posts:

piscesmoon · 01/02/2009 22:26

I should stay away. I can see that your parents are in a real dilemma. I would say that they should stop supporting her and she might come to her senses, but it is easier said than done. I expect they are very protective and don't want to cut her off.

mamas12 · 01/02/2009 22:55

might be a contentious one this but can you try to organise get togethers without him and possibly without him or her knowing that they would be get togethers iykwim and then she will relax with you all and see how good it is when you are together without him. Don't do any running him down or anything just be NORMAL

SadMarg · 01/02/2009 23:27

You seem to be able to stand up to him, and I sincerely doubt he would physically attack anyone at the functions. If you don't go, then what you will likely do is isolate your sister. There is a reason she is not standing up for herself, and staying with him. While he has this hold on her, your family is her contact with some normality - and maybe the part of herself that realises his actions are way out of order. You need to consider this before you do anything rash.

SadMarg · 01/02/2009 23:27

KingCanuteIAm · 01/02/2009 23:37

I am sure you would not put your child/ren at risk so I don't see that being an issue. It does sound like your mother is under enormous stress though. I would hazard a guess that she is involvin him because she feels that ostracising him would make things very difficult for your sis. I doubt he would take it lying down and your dsis would get the flack for it. If he is a violent man then I should think your mother is trying to protect your dsis and dn from harm.

I agree that I would steer clear of him if I were you but I would not tell your mother or put it on her shoulders, she is probably finding it hard as it is. Can you not just quietly avoid these things? Offer to meet your parents on other days or see your dsis when he is not available etc?

I do feel for you though, my cousin went through a similar relationship (she was a PFB) and it was hard to convince the men in our family not to take him for a long walk of a short bridge (bearing in mind they were all middle aged men and he was a Squaddie). It is very very hard to detach from the spoilt behaviour to sympathise with the victim behaviour.

mamas12 · 01/02/2009 23:42

I would say don't NOT go I think you need to go and keep on standing up for yourself and anyone else he picks on calmly and in a controlled manner like speaking to a toddler and let him and your sister know that his behaviour is not acceptable. I think your sister needs you to be there quite frankly. Maybe not take dh and kids, just you.

mrsjammi · 02/02/2009 09:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mamas12 · 02/02/2009 11:55

thats what i meant but mrsjammi said it better.

Bubbaluv · 02/02/2009 12:22

Err, Tess maybe you should read my posts properly before replying!
I never suggested he was putting your son in physical danger. You said he was verbally abusive to your son (and your Mum).
Re the counselling, frankly it doesn't matter whether you care about your sister or not, I still think that if you would prefer she got out of the situation (for yours and your parent's sake if not hers) then surely counselling could help? She doesn't love him, so he must have some sort of hold over her and I was only suggesting that counselling might help her to better face her predicament. You say your Mum is "terrified" for her so I assumed you were implying it was a generally abusive or unhealthy relationship.
There's no need to be so rude to people who try and suggest ways to help you.

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