To be upset that my mum seems to favour her other grandson?

[twoforjoy]

I live in the sunny south, but am originally from Scotland. I have a 6 month old son, and my sister, who still lives in Scotland, about 15 minute drive from my mum, has a 16 month old son.
My mum sees my sister's son nearly every day and provides my sister with free childcare three days a week so she can go out to work and earn money. I cannot go back to work because the money I would earn would only just cover the cost to put ds in childcare.
My sister also has regular nights out with her husband and friends as my mum always says, "go on, you two go out", or even if they are not going out, sometimes she just takes sister's ds so they can have a night in alone. Even when my sis had just got home from hospital (she had c-section), my mum used to drive over to her house, pick her up and bring her back to her house so she could have an afternoon nap while my mum looked after the baby.
My mum has been down here to visit, and don't get me wrong, she has helped out with things, but every time we go up there to visit, she never offers to let us go out or to help. It is like she is just not interested in my son. I actually had to say to her one day - "Would you like to hold him?", which she did reluctantly as she was watching something on TV.
When the other grandson turns up while we are visiting, it is like a royal visit, laughing and joking, "oh isn't he great, look at him, ha ha", while my son is ignored. If other grandson is asleep we all must creep about like mice and get shouted at if we talk at normal level. However if it's my ds asleep, noone cares and they all clatter about the house shouting and banging.
I just don't know if it's me being paranoid or if this is really the case and I find it really upsetting. My dh has noticed too.
PS It was my choice to move down south, which I did before I had ds, I know that, but when we make the effort to go up there and visit, I would have thought we would get a bit more attention as we never see them.

I think you are being a little unreasonable in critising your Mum for helping your sister out..after all, thats what Mums do, and she does live nearby.

Don't forget, when you go to visit, you are 'visitors'. You are not living there, so offering to babysit for you while you are there probably doesn't even cross her mind. Do you ask?

The more favourable attention on your nephew can be upsetting, I know that as it happens in my family. But your Mum sees so much more of your nephew she is probably more attuned to him, likewise with his sleeping habits.

I think it sounds as if you are being a little oversensitive and looking for examples of your Mum giving priority to your sister. Some Parents just can't help doing this.

It's a shame that she doesn't show more interest, given that you live a long way away and you might expect her visit to be a bit more of an occasion. Maybe because she sees less of you, she felt a bit unsure about how much you wanted her to do, and was wary of 'interfering'? (I'm trying to be charitable here!!)

As for your sister's situation.. it's tempting to feel a twinge of envy when she seems to have it so easy, even getting free childcare so she gets to keep all her earnings. But free childcare DOES come at a price. You don't know the subtleties of the situation, there may be some things your mum does which really grate on your sister but she can't complain about it... just read some of the MN threads - using the grandparents as free childminders is a minefield. I sympathise with your situation, as once I had two preschoolers, my earnings only covered nursery fees, but I still chose to work because I reckoned my children were getting a first rate nursery experience which I otherwise wouldn't have been able to afford.

You have an independent family unit, which is priceless - you are not dependent on your mum financially (which actually, your sister is!) and also you have emotional independence which is probably more important.

Hello, I feel for you, but try not to let it bother you, I know this is easier said than done. Your mum and sister are obviously closer than you and mum or you and sis, your mum may think that as you live away from them you don't need to depend on them too much? Perhaps she thinks that you manage just fine on your own and that you don't need/want any help.
I agree you shouldn't have to suggest she hold your son, but it is her loss!!
I have a similar situation in that my husband's brother has a DD similar age to my DS (21 months) and they live near to my in-laws (we only live 11 miles away) but it doesn't bother me in the slightest that they see our niece more than my DS. Think it bothers my DH a bit more as is his parents.
I notice DS is only 6 months? I was still very senstive about everything at that stage are you? The slightest thing made me cry (and still does to a degree), being a mum makes you soft hearted but I'm sure if you were to speak to your mum she would be mortified and say that she didn't realise? Can you try talking to her? Keep me updated x

also, Violet makes some great points aove, be proud that you are so independant and that you cope so well on your own. Perhaps think about going back to work? I know nursery fees are expensive, but like Violet says, baby benefits from the social interaction at nursery and constant entertainment which, as your child gets bigger (my DS is 21 months) you will not be able to give.
Also your sanity will be saved if you return to work, even if only go part time, I love DS to bits but could never have contemplated not working again, he would drive me round the twist.

I agree with violethill.

It's not that she favours your DN more, it's just that she knows him better - it's only human to have more to say about and to someone you know better, than another person, IYSWIM. Similarly, she knows "how" your DN sleeps, so follows that "rule": if you want the same rule, ask for it.

My SIL has a similar set up. They live opposite (!) my PILs, and my MIL provides 5 days a week of childcare, enabling my SIL to go to work. In financial terms, it's like "giving" my SIL £1000 a month.

But it comes at a MASSIVE price. Not least the fact that my DN frequently goes to granny first before mummy when she's upset; this is very distressing for SIL. But she has to accept it, otherwise she couldn't afford to work.

And when they visit us, she's not very hands-on with my DD; but unlike with DN, that's because she doesn't feel she can interfere when she's "only" a visitor. Perhaps that's what's happening with your mum?

I'm going to be the voice of dissent here - YANBU, IMO. It sounds really weird that you had to ask her even to hold your DS, and that she shows so little interest in him. He's her grandson too. The fact she doesn't see him so often should make her more excited about seeing him, not less! And if she's used to babies needing quiet to sleep, then it's hardly rocket science to think the same logic might apply to your LO, or at least to ask you about his habits and show the same consideration. The fact your DH has noticed too speaks volumes, to me. IME men can be pretty clueless about picking up on these things, and often prefer to pretend it's all OK, so that's something too.

Is this the first time you've ever noticed different treatment for you and your sis or is there a history to it? If so, did it start before you left Scotland or only after? It sounds a bit like she's putting everything into her relationship with your sis and her family, and there's not much left over for you, maybe it's her way of coping with you not being around so much - but still, not very motherly. You do make the effort to visit, and you're her daughter too, after all.

I'm with BopTheAlien - YANBU. I can understand how this must be making you feel but I think when you go to visit ask if they can babysit, hold your baby etc. I think they are probably just in a routine with your sister's children and as a new Mum you are probably giving of vibes of wanting to do everything yourself, I did and still do and my ds is 2!
Give them a chance and they might surprise you and if they dont rise to the challenge and seem happy to help when you are there then try and have a chat about it next time you visit.

Thanks all - I fully admit that I am envious of the situation, and I think that is part of the problem. I miss them both and it just really upsets me that I can't spend time with them, and receive the help that I know my mum would be able to provide if I lived nearby.
BopTheAlien - that is EXACTLY how I feel! I wish she would just appear pleased to have us around. She has always tried to be perfectly fair with us both when we were growing up - this is the first time anything like this has happened, which is why I find it so odd.

I'm sure things will get better. If you moved quite recently plus had a baby it can be an unsettling time.

Although it's easy to feel a bit of envy, I really believe that having a parent or PIL living so close and being so involved does come at a price - and if not now, then there may be issues in the future. I've seen with friends (and on MN) that it's a minefield when you have grandparents taking over on a daily basis.

You need to work at getting your mum to feel more involved and confident to deal with your son on the occasions she is around. That way it will lead to a really good relationship, where your son sees staying with his grandparents as a really special treat, rather than just routine. It's quality not quantity that counts. My own grandparents lived miles away and I saw them maybe a couple of times a year, but I think my memories are far more special for not having had them across the road.