to really not want my Mother at DD3's christening?

[sweetkitty]

I know that sounds utterly terrible but I really do not want her there as if her being there will poison the day.

My reasons are long and complicated but basically when I was pregnant with no3 and thought I was mcing I phoned her up and she told me it was for the best and that I was stupid to have 3 anyway, then she couldn't get her head around the wait a week and be rescanned thing and said I was writing this baby off too quickly and that she knew it would be OK (she obviously knows better than the sonographer who told me to prepare for the worst). So I phoned her to tell her yes the baby was dead and we had to decide whether to have a ERPC or a natural, 2 weeks goes by in which I have a very traumatic natural mc, when she phones she talks for 20 mins about my brithers new house and only when I say "I didn't go to hospital in the end" she said "well if you did I would have known about it!" erm how exactly.

So then a few months later we announce I am pregnant with DD3 she says "oh I didnt know you were allowed to have another baby, have you asked them, I thought you had to wait a year. She visited us in January last year, then again when DD3 was 10 days old despite me being in agony with SPD and struggling to cope with DD1 and 2. She told MIL it was because I didn't want her to see me in pain (WTF)

I then heard nothing from her until just before Christmas when SIL drove her up with the DCs presents, it was horrible so awkward and DD2 didn't have a clue who she was.

Last weekend was DD2's 3rd birthday, she sent a card up with my brother hasn't phoned or anything (I phoned her last at Christmas).

TBH I don't make an effort at all anymore, I said to her she was welcome anytime durng the week but she won't come up as she cannot aafford the trainfare (lie) she is just too lazy (we are an hour away).

Anyway sorry about the rant but we are planning DD3's christening and I don't want her there, why should we feel we have to invite her as she is DD3's Gran when she has seen her twice since she was born and obviously isn't interested in her, all she will do if invited is stand outside and smoke and gossip with MIL about how great the DDs are. She didn't even want me to have DD3 anyway and I know if she had been a DS she would have shown more interest as she has this thing that boys are more important than girls.

Thanks if you have gotten this far just feeling a bit down about it all tonight.

Do what you think is right. I agonised for ages over DSs Christening and in the end I sent invites to everyone and just forgot about it. On the day I was so busy anyway, most the people I didn't want to see had gone. Or didn't bother coming anyway. I think you may regret not inviting her more than you would inviting her. She may not come anyway...

And {{hugs}} Really don't let her make you down x

Oh she will come only to save face with my aunt's, so she can tell them she had a fantastic day the DD's were gorgeous etc she wants trophy grandchildren, she wants the pictures to show anyone who asks about them but doesn't want to come and visit them.

I don't think I chould invite someone to a christening who has said she I was stupid to have her and no one has 3 children these days and I was only having a third to have a boy.

Surely the whole point of a Christening is to thank God for being given this wonderful little person and to welcome her into the world and a family.

Sweet Kitty,

Sorry to hear about all this - it is a tricky one.

IMHO, a Christening is not meant to be a big social event that everyone is entitled to attend, it is meant to mark DD3's entry into the Christian world and as such it should be a privilege to be invited. If you feel your mother has forfeited that privilege by her behaviour towards DD3, then I would think that she should not be invited.

That said, you will need to consider the longer term effect - i.e. is she going to make life horrible for you and your dcs if she isn't invited? I can't answer that.

I hope you have a very special day, whatever you decide to do.

Don't invite her if you don't want to.

You don't have to have someone in your life, just because there happen to be biological ties. Set yourself free!!!! Accident of birth made her your mother. It's your choice whether she remains in your life.

I do know exactly where you are coming from. What does your DH think? Of course you don't have to invite her, it's your DDs day. I didn't want to invite my MIL, esp. as she said "it (religion) was a load of bollocks", but I couldn't be bothered with the questions, the guilt... so I invited and then just got on with the day my way. If you think you will feel OK with her not being there, then don't invite her MIL etc. didn't come to DS1s Baptism and I didn't regret that, just lost my fight second time around.

DP cannot stand her either.

DD3 is being baptised RC, as is DP's religion my Mother has slagged off RCs on numerous occasions.

She couldn't care less about the religious thing it's all an act so she can brag to my aunts and her friends about the big family event etc.

At DD1 and 2's Christening she slagged off the Cathedral saying she thought it would be older and grander, then we had a small buffet afterwards at home that DP and I ran ourselves ragged at and she never lifted a finger stood outside smoking most of the time.

Sounds to me like you have made your decision

Have the christening you want, and enjoy it. DO NOT feel guilty!

I was going to send back the money she gave DD2 for her birthday, it was £25 and this was from the woman who said she couldn't afford £10 to come and see them, why not give her £15 and spend £10 coming to see her in person? But I thought it's DD2's money not mine and I should spend it on something for her.

Myabe if she asks why she isn't getting a Christening invite I should tell her I didn't think she could afford the petrol and a present to come up, afterall everytime I used to phone her all she would go on about was how poor she was and how stepdad was losing his job.

My mother didn't come to DD3's Christening because she had a leak, I had visions of mum's bathroom ceiling around her ears, it turned out the seal from around the bath had come off
I don't think there's much you can do though, my mum makes me laugh she has my brothers daughter in a picture with her as her facebook profile, the kid didn't know what to call her last time she saw her and kept calling her mum, not nanny/grandma because didn't know who she was - aged 3.
I just play along and let her have the trophy grandchildren and the photo's cos I figure it's better than nothing, it's sad though and her loss.

ah kitty am sorry you're feeling down about it all

you know my stance on the situation - your and B's special day, don't let her ruin it

Sorrento - your Mum sounds so similar to mine, last time she phoned she told me she had gotten a photo off my Brother of the 3DDs and was taking it to a photographer to get it blown up large for her wall. I said but the picture won't be the same why don't I order you one from the photographer it would be better quality, no she says I want it today and I want a little one for my purse. So she wants the photos to show off to everyone of GC she never bothers to visit.

I have had counselling in the past for various issues and one thing that came out was the relationship I have with my Mother, bascially the counsellor said that some Mothers are jealous of their daughters, especially if they seem them as being younger, prettier (not that I think I am pretty) more successful than they are and also having more oppportunities than they did when they were younger. I have always been very indenpendent even from a young age and would do my own thing, my brother was the opposite a total Mummies boy. If you spoke to my Mother you would think that I am the apple of her eye (oh SK is the FIRST person in our family to go to uni, SK has beautiful DDs and a beautiful big house (I don't) which makes her look like a wonderful doting mother but in person to me she takes every opportunity to bring me down and try to make me feel bad. She will make a comment on my appearance every time I see her for example. I think she is jealous of the fact I have 3 DC and she has only 2, as having DC is all she has ever done with her life and she always goes on about "well I ahd 2 etc" now she was so against me having 3 because in her eyes that makes me a more experienced mother than she is IYSWIM so therefore she has to make comments like "well me and your cousin are the only ones in the family to have hit the jackpot, one boy and one girl and you are not a real women until you have a boy!"

She is also very male orientated has told me in the past that even if DP hits me I should stay with him as he is a good Dad, that DP should be allowed to spend all weekend getting drunk as he works hard all week and was utterly horrified when I told her once that I earned more money than DP at the time and that he wouldn't like it and leave me.

Thanks for letting me get all this out DP is sick of hearing it, his reaction is just tell her to piss off, I think he hates the way I let her get to me. I know deep down she is a very sad and insecure woman I do not miss her per se but more I miss the closeness of having a Mum around especially one that would help a wee bit with the DC or even take an interest in them.

Oh sorry I forgot to add the reason I don't phone anymore is one of the last times I phoned all she went on about was how my Papa was in hospital and wouldn't get back out again and my Dad wasn't looking after him, how she was having some health problems and had googled them and one of the causes was cancer so told everyone she was having a cancer scare and that SIL had ME and would probably end up in a wheelchair, and after all this asked "oh how are you doing, I was 8 1/2 months pregnant at the tiem didn't need that"