Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be soooo annoyed with DP.

27 replies

NotSoSkinnyNow · 31/01/2009 21:35

ok, this is a long one, and before I start, I know I am prob being the unreasonable one, but pregnancy hormones are clouding my judgement and I need a kick up the arse from someone other than DP.
Had a big argument with him earlier over DS's bath of all things. Well, I was pissed off at DP cos he wouldn't do the bath for me (even tho it was my turn but in fairness, I did it for him one night as he was tired, and I only asked tonight cos I have a very sore back, am pregnant, and it was quite painful to lift DS. He recon's I'm faking the sore back story and we should "stick to the rota"). The whole thing only turned into an argument cos he would't stop pushing me into it. I was quite happy (well, not happy) to just leave it and do the bath etc myself despite the awful pain.
Anyway, it turned into a big argument with dp really upsetting me and blaming me as usual. I'm so annoyed with him at the moment, for so many things and I find myself resenting him.

How can I get all this out of my system and stop feeling like this. Any time we argue, I try to explain how I'm feeling but he manages to twist my words and make me feel like I'm being a total bitch, holding a grudge etc. I just get really upset which he can't handle and everything spirals out of control with him shouting at me.

Now he's gone to bed and I'm sitting here and all the small things are really getting to me.

OP posts:
Countingthegreyhairs · 31/01/2009 21:43

Hi NotSoSkinnyNow - sorry you are feeling low - I think your dh is the one being unreasonable if he assumes you are faking back trouble. Sounds a bit unchivalrous of him tbh.

Is something else upsetting him that's behind this (worried about cost of baby for eg) or is he usually like this?

Sorry not much advice but didn't want your post to go unanswered. It's horrible to feel unsupported and unhappy when pregnant. Hope you have a better day tomorrow ...

trixymalixy · 31/01/2009 21:47

YA sooooo NBU!!!

I'd tell him he's doing the bath for the rest of your pregnancy. You should be looking after your back.

myfeethurt · 31/01/2009 21:52

doesn't it wind you up that some women are treated like total princesses, not allowed to lift a finger when pregnant and those of us who generally just get on with things, when we do have a geniune problem eg. are in pain, are presumed to faking it . so not fair , how do those princess women do it? You need to talk calmly, maybe he is feeling stressed/ ovewhelmed about stuff that he hasn't discussed with you.

Original poster
NotSoSkinnyNow · 31/01/2009 21:58

unfortunatly, he is now usually like this. he has become very unchivalrous.

He was never like this before but the past few months have been difficult. We have discovered that he has a mental illness but he is now in denial again, refusing to get help.

DS is only 9 months old and I'm pregnant again(accidental) and I just feel like I can't cope at the moment.

I'm trying to be supportive of DP but its becomming increasingly difficult with him not accepting what the doctors say.

I should really be grateful as he is is now helping out a bit with DS, taking turns to do his bath, whereas until 2 weeks ago I had to do it all myself. He accuses me of asking for even more when he gives any help (which in a way is true - I should just be grateful that he did the bath last night and not have pushed my luck and asked him to do it tonight)

I think I'm just struggling a bit more than usual tonight. My parents don't like him and have been trying to split us up. Maybe some of what they are saying is now making sense - or is it just my hormones playing tricks on me. I don't want to leave him, but I can't live like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotSoSkinnyNow · 31/01/2009 22:03

yeah Myfeethurt, I know what you mean!
I'm one of the ones who just gets on with stuff - always have been, but thb, was kinda expecting the princess treatment. He has a kid from a previous relationship and when we first got together was always going on about his DD - apple of his eye etc, all the stuff he did for her blah blah blah. I guess I just assumed he would treat any child he had with me the same way. It has been such a shock how little he does with DS. It really breaks my heart but I know that it's partly cos of his mental stuff, he just can't bond with ds. I'm trying to be understanding but it's breaking my heart, and now to be preggers again.....

OP posts:
myfeethurt · 31/01/2009 22:09

he is probably also freaking out about responsibility of another child

SazzlesA · 31/01/2009 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SazzlesA · 31/01/2009 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mamas12 · 31/01/2009 22:28

notdoskinny Was your dh like this when you were pregnant the first time? Because, as we don't know what the mental health issue is, imo if he is not 'listening' to you i think you need to get your midwife/health visitor to sit him down and spell it out. Frankly you shouldn't be so grateful for any kind of 'help' with his own child.
Am feeling for you though because my xh went 'off' me during my pregnancies and it still makes me so sad I was so neglected and discounted (he was horrible - but is a whole other story) please look after yourself.

nannyL · 31/01/2009 22:31

YANBU

ChippingIn · 31/01/2009 23:15

NSSN YANBU

If you hadn't mentioned the mental health issues I would be telling you to tell him to ship up or shape out. Bathing his DS should be a pleasure not a chore and it is NOT helping you out, it is part of doing his share as a parent.... rave rave rave....

However, not knowing what the mental health issues are it's hard to comment, except to say - get him to do what you can (and get himself some help) and accept any and all offers of help from friends and family... not to mention (as someone else did) that DS will survive on far fewer baths (we bath nightly but it's because LO's enjoy it and I don't find it any hardship - but I'm not bathing a 9mth old with one on the way and a sore back... 9 mth old would be skipping baths for sure!!!.

ChippingIn · 31/01/2009 23:17

LOL very tired - of course I meant 'Shape up or ship out'!!

Original poster
NotSoSkinnyNow · 31/01/2009 23:23

thanks for your replies. I know i deserve better from him, but sometimes the way he speaks to me, esp when we're arguing, I feel worthless, and like everything really is my fault.

mamas12, it was different with last pregnancy. well, sort of similar, but there was good reasons. We were living abroad. He had his own business (which was failing) and a lot of stresses so i could understand how I was not the centre of attention. Also, there were complicationas and we didn't think ds was going to make it, so dp just threw himself into his work. At the time I thought it was his way of coping. once again I was the one being supportive of him and trying to hold evertything together.

This time I just feel like the weight on my shoulders has grown too big and I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 31/01/2009 23:30

You probably don't need to bathe your DS every night so a practical solution would be not to if you are feeling too sore and you P is being a PITA about it. But also don't let him off the rota again either (might sound childish but not really - your back is something you need to look after and no one who doesn't have back ache themselves really has a clue how debilitating it can be!)

I can probably guess what your DP's mental health issue is as it is a common symptom to refuse to acknowledge it or be treated for it, and when they finally do take the drugs, as soon as they start to feel better they frequently come off them as they "don't need them now". It can be very difficult to live with so you need to talk to someone yourself about getting some kind of support; I can't advise who would be best but talk to your GP about it.

Original poster
NotSoSkinnyNow · 31/01/2009 23:32

I put 9mo to bed with no bath earlier this week and he's none the worse for it, so I think I'll be doing that more frequently. However, it does make me feel bad as he loves his baths, and I love looking after him but jsut struggle sometimes when I'm tired.

It's hard to get help cos my family are abroad (and want me to leave him which is causing stress of its own) and he doesn't speak to his family. We are new to this area - moved here after his business finally failed when DS was 4 weeks old. Thought it was going to be a fresh start with DP getting a good job etc, but he kinda had a breakdown and is not able to work at the moment. That's how we discovered the mental isssues. He was great for a while, getting help etc, but now he doesn't think there's anything wrong.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 31/01/2009 23:36

In your condition, you need some support and help too. Talk to your GP, your MW, anyone - even just to us here will help you to realise that you are not the one with the problem here and that you are being reasonable.

Don't wear yourself out over your DP - you have to look after yourself and your LOs.

Original poster
NotSoSkinnyNow · 31/01/2009 23:38

You're right about bath. Next time I will just put ds to bed and not ask. My mistake was in asking dp to do it. When he said no, I then had to do it cos it would have been another argument because he would think that if I didn't do it, it would be so that he would feel guilty about ds not getting a bath IYSWIM. complicated, I know, but I would have been accused of playing mind games. Either way I lose and there's an argument.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotSoSkinnyNow · 31/01/2009 23:41

Maybe stupid, but I am concered about raising awareness of my situation with GP/HV etc. DS and I are not in any danger, but dp would completely flip at the idea of someone interfereing.

But I am really grateful of the support here. just talking helps so thanks everyone.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 31/01/2009 23:43

ah no, you do need to tell the GP - he/she might be able to help with info apart from anything else. Why would you then tell your DP that you have told the GP? It is private to you - but it is also causing you stress and in pg, you should let at least one of your healthcare providers know about the added stress.

Original poster
NotSoSkinnyNow · 31/01/2009 23:54

I guess you're right. I don't want to be this stressed and it have an effect on the baby (well, either of them). I have apt next week so i'll say something then. I just know though that I'll have a melt-down as soon as I say anything. Hope he's got lots of kleenex in the surgery.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 31/01/2009 23:57

You might have to take your own kleenex or you'll be using sheets of elephant bogroll couch roll to wipe your eyes!

Keep posting here as well - we'll set you straight as to who is being unreasonable!

And have some un-MNly (((hugs))) too - you are in a difficult situation and I hope it works out better soon.

Original poster
NotSoSkinnyNow · 01/02/2009 00:04

Thanks thumbwitch. I too hope it works out. I don't want to make any big decisions whilst pregnant that I might regret later...despite what my parents are saying.
Sometimes I just wish I could have a day off from all the inner voices! either that or a bottle of wine!

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 01/02/2009 00:08

lol - up to you entirely on the wine, but I admit that I had a glass of wine a night after being about 17 weeks pg, because my Mum was dying, then died; and the stress was, I felt, more detrimental than the glass of wine that helped me to feel like I was coping. DS doesn't seem to be any the worse for it but I can't say for sure that it had no effect, of course.

Original poster
NotSoSkinnyNow · 01/02/2009 00:23

sorry to hear about your mum. personally have no objection to a wee tipple whilst preggers. had a wee glass last week, but tbh it's not worth the heartburn! A good walk along the seafront in the morning should help.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 01/02/2009 00:58

NSSN I really feel for what you are going through, it's a lot to cope with on your own

Please try not to allow him to make you feel like you are being a bitch/are to blame in anyway. As Thumbwitch said 'Keep posting here as well - we'll set you straight as to who is being unreasonable!'

You need to make your DH see that even though he doesn't think he has a problem, you do, and that if he doesn't get help for it (again), then you will be the one to change the situation (ie leave). You are right, you cannot live like this - so either he changes something (gets help) or you do (gets out).

I think you really need to think about what your parents are saying - the facts not the emotions.