to say no to DH?

[Numberfour]

Finances are a bit tight. We can still pay our bills etc, but there is not much extra and we were overdrawn this month for the first time in a long while.

DH suggested he spend £60 on getting sat nav traffic up dates for his tomtom because we are considering going into London tomorrow to the Natural History Museum. I said no, it was not a necessity. Now he says we cannot afford to go anyway (free parking, free entry, would only be lunch which we usually do if we go out.)

Now of course I feel like a selfish cow (drinking wine) having said No to DH.

I think I am not being unreasonable.

But surely saying we cannot go to the museum is unreasonable?

(I know there are worse crises in the world than this, but i am feeling really delicate today having started AF last night after having thoughtI may be preg -does that get the sympathy vote??)

YANBU. He can look at a map.

Why can't you go? I don't get it - is he having a strop because you said not to get the update? Or can you really not afford to go?

Why not do without the update and go to the museum on public transport?

Can you not go on the train? Or am I missing something?

sorry. That must be making you feel low.

But you have asked the question, so I assume you want to hear opinions?

READ NO FURTHER IF YOU JUST WANTED TEA AND SYMPATHY

It's only my opinion, but I think that you shouldn't have said "no". He is your equal partner, not your child and therefore you should have discussed the finances, rather than saying "no"

You can't say "no you can't have that" to the adult you are in a relationship with, imo. It's, I dunno the right word!! patronising, demeaning, controlling??

I think that a discussion about the costs, your current finances, an exchange of opinions on the affordability of it all would be a better choice, tbh.

£60 for something you don't need? No, he is being unreasonable and childish.

go without him?

if i cant have sat nav we wont go the museum???

very mature.

Why are the updates needed now? is the satnav not usable without them? Not clear why they MUST be got now.

I think you could try - OK let's get the updates, but how are we going to save £60 this month? (maybe the first bit would be taking sandwiches tomorrow instead?)

How did your husband cope with driving in the days before satnav?

Did you hire sherpas?

Answer is:

Map

or

Train.

Driving to natural history museum sounds nuts to me. Didn't even know they had a car park!

Well, of course he is being unreasonable. Tomorrow is Sunday, so he is unlikely to need his updated tomtom. But - he's a bloke and likes his gadgets. Why not compromise and say you will make a packed lunch for tomorrow, save the money you would spend on lunch and he can have his update - everyone wins...

Hecate
BUT...
The thing is, My dh does this..we AGREE that things are tight, and therefore there is no room for extras. Then he will ASK if he can get something -knowing full well we can't afford it. What he is asking is "can we go overdrawn for the sake of something I know is a luxury, but that I really really want.

I hate that, as it puts me in a position to say "no".

Maybe #4 found herself in a similar position?

Hmm, let's think.
The museum hasn't moved for a hundred years or so.
No major roads have been constructed in and around west london in recent memory.
Congestion Charge doesn't apply on a Sunday so no need to avoid any particular roads.

Get the kids to sit in the back and say 'take a right. ping' in a robotic voice, like I do

but you can still discuss the wisdom of dipping into the overdraft, you say why you think it's not the best option and you ask him to tell you why he thinks it is and what his plan is for repaying that overdraft.

Thanks, everyone! very useful to get other people's points of view.

DH often says that I talk to him like he is a child so Hecate may well be right. I probably did just say no to him as if he was a child (had lots of wine tonight to drown some sorrows so my memory is a bit lacking)

Purpleduck, i think our DP's operate in similar ways. DH did not ask as specifically as that, but he opened the conversation by asking me how much money I had in my account. My reply was "Why?" . Bit silly to reply that way, but I think i suspected an unrealistic suggestion was pending.

sorry if I do not acknowledge all names:

going by car rather than train: last train trip to london by train cost us £25 and going by car would be less.
not sure if there is a parking area at NHM but a friend says there is parking "at the back" which does not require payment on a Sunday.

Re comment about DH's mature response in that "if I cannot get tomtom update then we cannot go to the museum" - I could not agree more. Just could not be arsed to deal with telling him that.

Re suggestion to go without him: fucking damn fine idea! (A friend sent me a text today to see if i was okay after AF and I started crying. Dh says: are you crying again?)

Hecate: LOL at READ NO FURTHER etc comment

yes, go without him ,let him sulk
sounds like you're both treating each other like a child, him saying to you ok, then we're can't go to the museum' is treating you like a child, since when did he get the final say on what you can and cannot do?!

Hecate, it is not a case of dipping into overdraft but more a case of going over our absolute bottom overdraft limit...

Dh has just told DS we are not going tomorrow. DS is 4 and is a bit upset. i told him daddy and i still had to talk about it.

so, are you going without him?

well, you know, AIBU threads can be a bit dangerous these days.

LOL! bloody dangerous in this thread!

Dropdead, Dh is getting DS ready for bed then i will go up and do story time and then we will prob talk about it.

Like i said, it is not the biggest crisis in the world or on MN but it is a bit of a bugger in #4's house tonight!

just go, have a great time, why should the children miss out?

oh dear, xpost - he is really sulking isn't he. It is very parent-child. "I want..." "no" "it's not fair, you hate me"

Talk. Ask him to go through the finances with you to help you understand how the tomtom thing is affordable. Ask for figures.

He'll probably sulk, because he won't want to be sensible about it, he'll just want to be able to see you as the big bad meanie. He won't want to say "actually, I don't think we can" he'll want to say "You won't let me" iyswim.

I have a sat nav & never updated it for traffic & never had any problems getting places.

Hmm check out parking. When I was in London recently the parking looked like it would end up costing more than £25!

I think children are free on the tube too ...

Hecate, DH can be extremely juvenile (me? I am perfect ). Asking him to justify or talk in detail about how we can afford it will bring on Armageddon prematurely.

You are 100% right in your last sentence.

Mysterymoniker, you are absolutely right. Not fair on DS just because daddy cannot get a fucking tomtom udpate. Er...... perhaps I should have said: because daddy should rather not get a tomtom update..... I know I am guilty of treating him like a child. Very very bad habit of mine and must be so off pissing to him.

there is freee parking on a sunday on the roads flanking the museaum and around the back, £60 for updates thats half what we paid for the sat nav, where are you travelling from#? really far away? i think you should be fine without it