for not understanding my husband failing to see how serious it was when my toddler attacked her friend.

[feemcgee]

My 3 year old daughter has been hitting friends recently. I always deal with it by telling her off and taking her away until she says sorry. Today was the worst - first of all, I caught her on her friend's back when she was on the floor, walloping her head and trying to bite her back. We then found them in the ball pool with my daughter shoving her friend hard under the balls. Her mum had to dig around for her daughter, who was terrified. How the hell do I deal with this? I don't want to talk to her, let alone play with her. Even worse was when I told my husband, he said oh, it was only plastic balls!

Have you tried to talk to your daughter the best you can to get her to understand that what she is doing is wrong? It might be that she has lots of energy and strength but she doesnt know how to express herself except by being aggresive to other children.

I'm no expert at all by any means (I only have a 5 month old who is my first) but I think you are right to expect more support from your partner.

I agree it's an issue that you need to be firm on, but it is a phase that she will grow out of. I would introduce time out style punishment every time she hurts someone as she is old enough to know it's naughty.

The great thing about Mums and Dads is that we see things differently...and the worse things about Mums and Dads is that we see things differently. Your DH won't feel that he's failing as a parent just because his DD occasionally hits someone and thta's a good thing!

I am afraid you have to be on constant guard. And expect to do a lot of damage limitation, sympathising with your friend and her dd and making it clear to them that you are on their side and looking out for the dd.

What you should not do is to start thinking of your own dd as a nasty person. 3 is still very young and many children have not developed either empathy or self-control at this age. Keep hauling her off and telling her off- but also, keep loving her!

However, your dh has got to take this seriously. Accidents can and do happen; you do need to be on your guard. When my dd was this age, I had to lock the door on the baby when I went to the loo; otherwise I believe she might not have a little brother by now. But she has grown up a lovely and caring person and they are very good friends.

What cory said: you both need to supervise her, and tell her to stop/time out etc when she attacks, but she's not a monster or even a 'bad' child. All children go through aggressive stages, because everyone is born a sociopath and has to learn that other people have feelings/needs/rights - most of us learn it sometime before the age of 5 but it takes some people a bit longer to remember it under provocation.

Thanks for the advice everyone, it's realy helpful. I just got such a fright when I saw her in the ball pool, she was so aggressive! My mate was really understanding, luckily. I know what you mean about still loving her and I know that she's not a monster, I just never know how long to stay annoyed for. Should I just carry on as normal now? She's in front of the TV. I really feel shit at the parenting thing sometimes.

Give really good positive encouragement for the good behaviour. (I am possibly going overboard today as I desperately want dd to be dry all day (i digress and she has regressed ))

But with the bad behaviour be firm and consistant, we used a time out techqique (3 min for 3 years)coupled with an discussion as to why she's on the nuaghty chair (I know others don't agree with the behaviuor being called naughty but it works for us) followed by apology (usually to dd2 who's 18 mths) If we are out and about she gets one warning then we would leave.

Today she's lashed out at dd2 directly after getting off the chair so got sent directly to her room, while i read a book with dd2 so she did not have my attention.

Good luck and you're not the only one!!

I think the time out thing, for a period related to the child's age is the best thing. When DS1 (4) wallops DS2 (2) I give him time out for 4 minutes. We ignore him, he hates it, then we make up and have a cuddle - and I make him kiss DS2 which he doesn't mind usually.

my 18mo has been quite wild and displaying behaviour like this too.both of you need to take a stand and tell her off when she's been bad. i've had a few upset moments recently when out and about with ds, but learning to cope with this behaviour. it is difficult, i know.
and we all feel crap at the parenting thing sometimes, so don't feel alone there!

Once the beheviour has been punished and discussed move on, life's too short and there's a good chance she won't remember what you're being annoyed at. From the same perspective act as soon as behaviuor presents so she can link with consequence for her actions.

It's incredibly hard, but you need to be able to switch from punishing mood to loving at a moment's notice. I really struggled with this when dd was trying to hurt her baby brother, but I knew it was essential: if I didn't model loving behaviour to her, then she wouldn't learn it. And she was still my little girl.

Making up, moving back into feeling loved and feeling good about herself is an essential part of her learning process.

The whole experience stood me in good stead a few years later when another child (also a 3yo) started attacking ds. I knew what it was like from the other side, I knew how hard it was for the mother, so I was able to keep my own tigress instincts under some kind of control.

looks like a correctional institution is the only way forward. Have you tried a straight jacket?

you need to be within grabbing distance at all times and physically remove her, telling her in simple language, why. If you are out, leave whatever you are doing and go home. If you are at home, leave whatever she is doing and take her to her room. She needs .. her action-instant consequence.

Yes, when it's over, it's over. She's only 3, if you bring it up later, she'll probably not have a clue what you're on about.