not to want to be always 'talking' to this woman. I feel like a shallow cow.

[potassium]

I am a regular but have namechanged.

I have an aquaintance who lives nearby, we know each other by virtue of proximity rather than by having anything in common. Let's call her Wendy.

I think, at bottom, Wendy means well and has been generous in her own way to me and ds. I have tried to reciprocate by being a good friend and listening when she wants to talk but I can barely follow a conversation, she just launches into telling me things about people she knows and assumes I know who they are - but, without any preamble, I find it very difficult to follow and understand what she is talking about.

Sample: "Oh yeah, Tracy, right? She was on about Wayne and you know (meaningful stare)..... ....bla bla bla drone drone." I know neither Tracy, Wayne or their circumstances. But by the time I can get a word in to ask, the story has invariably 'petered out' with no apparent point. TBH I find her a crashing bore

I dread seeing her, she sometimes calls uninvited and I feel obliged to invite her in. Cue 2 hours of this tripe. Her world, acquiantances, values are all very different to mine. Gosh I sound such a snob don't I, but I'm not, really. Her lack of education is not her fault but it makes it very difficult to talk to her and I just struggle to comprehend.

She chain smokes (not in my house obviously), but the smell is there. And there are aspects of her which I intensley dislike. She has a nasty temper, talks of hitting her DCs,and once told me her theory on p otty training (rubbing nose in it) (and she was not referring to a dog). I could go on.

I am torn between not being selfish and judgey and trying to be a good listener and at the other extreme wanting never to have to endure her again.

AIBU? Am I being too nice? Am I being unkind and selfish?

I genuinely don't know what to do. WWYD?

Move house ?

Be polite but you don't have to her friend.
Friendship works two ways, if you get nothing from it, then dont bother

Embrace your shallowness and keep your distance from now on - make an excuse every time you see her........don't invite her in when she pops round.......criticise her parenting ( i.e. the nose rubbing thing) and generally do what you feel inside. THat should get rid of her pronto.

Truthfully I would avoid her but feel bad about doing so.

I would not answer the door to her either but feel bad about it.

I really wouldnt entertain her but then DH and I are a bit people intolerant which is not a good way to be.

I have a friend VERY like this. She has been sooo kind to me and my family , cooking us meals when wehad no kitchen, having my boys after school etc etc. But she would also talk and talk and talk and talk (in a phenomenally loud voice). Ad infinitum. Not about people I didn't know, but about things going on in her life .

She would drop by unnannounced. Or ring me up and ask me over. The negative side of her wasn't just the talking, but the borderline rascist jokes she would text me, the way she spoke to her son and her dh which made me cringe.

BUT..I still like her very much. I have accepted that she is diferent from me, and deep down is a good person. I have limited how often I se her. If she drops by I will sometimes keep her on the doorstep.

I'm aware that I sound like a total snob too, But i am also aware that friendship is not just about what I get from it, but also what I can offer, and I think she values my opinions on things.

Perhaps limit how often you see your friend, then you may see her in a different light.

I was going to say...gently stop returning phone calls, making plans etc. But as she turns up unannounced, you will have to do the old 'oh, I'm so sorry, this isn't a good time...no, i know, what a shame, see you soon' routine on the doorstep. Just try it once - you will feel horribly guilty but empowered for the future.

And YANBU by the way - some friendships have a lifespan.

I wouldn't even do that to a dog

If you see her coming again, grab your coat or dcs coat as if your just going out the door "oh dear"

She sounds awful. The boring thing - fair enough. But the temper etc is a reason not to want to continue the friendship. I would also find the smoking intolerable, I can't bear the smell and I hate DS being in anyone's house that smokes or being around someone who smokes a lot. (Aware that may get me flamed but it's how I feel)

Is there any way that you can avoid her? Can you pretend to be out when she calls round - or say you are on your way out or something? Maybe she would take the hint? That sounds awful but it's hard to say you don't want to see her again to her face!!

YANBU

I have had similar situation in the past. Trouble is you've invited her in. The only way out is when you hear the doorbell, answer with your coat on saying "oh, you've just caught me". Unfortunately if she lives near you, you will have to go out somewhere. I have actually done this and found myself driving aimlessly for half an hour until I felt it was safe to go home. Sometimes answering the door with the phone tucked under my chin works too. Or you could tell her you now work from home would she mind not popping round.

I know PlumBumMum, me neither. I thgink it is horrendous and cruel even to a dog, but DCs??!! Words failed me.

OTOH, as MrsMaidamess said, she is the kind of person who would cook for you and help you out in a genuine emergency, as would I to her. I feel very mean and shallow...

Yes always answer the door with a coat on. When you bump into her, invent an appointment - you have to rush. I find this hard but DP does it brilliantly when he's trying to shake off our neighbours - give out an air of total indifference to the point of vagueness - "uh? what... oh, erm, yeah anyway, well, bye... "

This isn't about snobbery - you don't really like her much, agree with her or have much in common - and you want to see less of her. It's not a crime!

Very difficult.

I have a neighbour who is very sweet, but tends to turn up at my house for hours at a time and I can't get rid of her.

Now, I greet her at the door, don't let her in and tend to say things like, "Thanks for popping over for x,y,z but I'm about to make dinner/go out/have to make a work call so I'm afraid I can't chat".

good luck.

Grinnypig I have hidden in my car, or on one memorable occasion behind a van for 20 mins! - to avoid my elderly, often drunk neighbours who always talk the hind leg off me