to get p***ed off with the MIL

[Fatback]

i do know the answers but just want to blow off steam!

MIL has 2 sons both live in different countries to her and both have a son. Younger son has always been the favourite and the bias is unbelievable. ( not me being paranoid - my dh the elder son and talks about it, gets upset even now) Younger son produced first grandchild and is a year older than mine.

We visit every year at the same time. This year younger son and family visit two weeks before us. No issue with that.

We have now arrived and I am sick of hearing about how wonderful other gson is, above average intelligence, bought this toy, that toy, what a delight he is,how tough it is for my SIL working and child care, that they are going to see them later in the year, ( went to them last year aswell) now find out that they paid for half the tickets for them to come over, no time to baby sit for us for a weekend away as used all time off for the others.

Got to the stage that I went and counted the pics around the place of the two g sons and even allowing for the 1 yr gap 32 vs 8.

Can just see the same happening to the gsons and this time my wee one is going to suffer.

I usually get on very well with her and even now am, but this is bugging me big time. next year the plan is we are all here together and I know what will happen. Could say no but realise this means dh does not see family and know I will end up just grinning and bearing it and trying to shield my one from the worst of the bias.

Just needed a cathartic whinge!

Souns difficult. What does your dh think about it?

Grin and bear and come here for a bit of catharsis.

Not exactly similar situation, but I was the only one who moved abroad and db's two boys are actually living in the same house as my Mum and Dad, so at least my Mum feels very much more that they are hers than mine are. Listening to us on the phone, we sound like two Mums comparing notes about their respective children.

Sometimes it does rile me, but then again my dcs are better off getting as much as love as they can out of their GPs without worrying that she may be even prouder of their cousins.

FUnnily enough, the same situation does not arise with my other nephew who lives nextdoor to them: but that's because his own Mum is always going on about how wonderful and intelligent he is, so I don't think his Gran feels she needs to add to that.

I have exactly the same problem, but its with my MIL and my own children. She is so over-the-top in her gushing for my DD, and totally overlooks my 2 DS'S. I really cant stand her!

I just try and give my 2 DS's as much love as possible. I also know that they hold the power,. because they are beginning not to want to go out with Grandma, or be babysat by her (not that I let that very often either)

Atleast you only see her 2 weeks a year, just try and grin and bear it, smile sweetly and count down the days!

He grew up with it and whilst hurt by it, gets on with his life. Even now the bias is still there and to whinge to him is not going to help = hence the need for the cathartic mumsnet whinge.

If anyone doubts the bias, a few egs: pre children arrival - we turn up given the main guest room, then three days later they turn up, we come home to find our stuff in the study and a 20 yr old sofa bed available for us. Bills still being paid for favourite son. Had bought presents for both sons -mine there first so given choice - he chose- younger son turns up wants what mine chose so she took it back and gave it to younger son, she gives them her car to drive around in - we get to hire a car etc etv

sounds very unfair - could your dh have a word with his brother?

Oh Fatback,
At risk of causing a family row I would stand up for yourself and family because if you don't they have the attitude that you don't mind so they will walk all over you

But really they are not good for you, your ds prob won't be affected too much having a toxic grandmother myself
Shes repeating the same thing now with great granchildren although I'm finding its my cousins children on the end of the critic and 2 of mine praise so I find I'm very quick to jump in and defend everyone

Although she has said of my dd 7 shes lost weight my dd has a lovely round face

My 3 dcs think greatnannie is crazy woman so don't take much notice and I only visit her once a month so to keep the offences at minium

Nightmare situation....

Similar situation with my MIL. I decided as we see them so little of them it is not worth worrying about. (Once a year at most). I would spend ages whittling and worrying and it got me nowhere. She was/is still an awkward bugger!

I came to the conclusion that my kids would know my reaction and learn to judge from me and my behaviour. I decided to try, as best as possible, to be non judgemental (in front of them) about it. When my kids are older and ask about nan and granddad I will try to be 'factual' and not 'opnionated' about it. Let the kids make the judgement. You are a great mum for noticing and realising. If she is this awful look on the birght side would you want all the attention on your kid??

I am polite, without being gushing. I never forget birthdays and so forth and I send regular photos. But that is it. Whatever I do and have done was never good enough. So I do what is required to minimise the complaints....Cannot stop them altogether!

I don't know if this is helpful but it has kept me saner. It is hard not to feel the hurt for your children (I suffer it too!) but by being great parents your children won't miss what they don't have. But your MIL will, at some level.

My DD now talks about her other nan on the phone to my MIL and does not often want to talk to her on the phone. Kids will eventually make their own choices.....

my mum a bit like this, but not so extreme. she was the older child who was definitely 'sidelined' when her younger bro was born - her parents def thought boys counted more, so he got a better education, help to start out, whereas a girl was expected to marry to provide all that.

so, my mum has this thing that the older child is more important, and she doesn't atke it as far as paying bills etc for my dsis, but if we both want something on the same day, it'll be dsis who gets the help.

we live abord now, so i know when we visit we'll get all the attnetion, luckily the cousins (mine & sis's kids) are quite spread out age wise so there's no direct comparison, but my nieces tend to get more stuff as they live nearer, so mum & dad will get them things. however, my mum will then try to remember to pay money into dd's savings to redress the balance, but the older one does still get slightly better treatment.
'they f* you up your mum & dad' philip larkin

he says it so well

God, why are some grandparents so awful. I really think your dh needs to have it out with them, the examples you give are clearly valid evidence.If he can't face it, could you may be write them a letter, not whinging exactly but saying how sad you feel for your dh and ds at the obvious difference in their behaviour towards them. It may not change their behaviour but at least they will know that you have noticed what they are doing, they might even not be aware they are doing it.

I have to ask - WHY do you visit them at the same time every year? At some point you need to do what is right for your own family. If you go every second year, then so be it. If they complain, tell them that it just costs too much and if they would like, they could come and visit you. You don't HAVE to put up with such behaviour, you can do things to minimise your exposure to it.

You could also give them a couple of framed photos of your DH and DS and say in as jokingly a manner as possible that it's an attempt to redress the imbalance in the photographs.

Totally emphathise Fatback. Have a similar situation but my Dh can't see the "favouritism" that goes on, hence I make my feelings known to him but grin and bear their visits for his sake.

He is the youngest of 3. 2 older sisters, one has 3 children. Out of the 3 of them DH is the most "conventional" - good degree, good job, nice house, never in any bother, never needed their financial assistance, visits lots, does all the right things. But when we see them, they spend all the time talking about the sisters. I know that when they talk about us to the sisters, its only negative things they say.

The other thing that I cannot forgive is that 4 years ago they distributed a sum of money they came into. They asked DH if he minded if they gave more to the sisters as "they needed it more". DH said of course no. No figures mentionned but we got the impression that there would be a nice tidy sum ( and we mentally spent it on new windows). When it came to it, 2 sisters got £20,000 each (actually a bit more than that) a charity got £8000 and DH got £1100. A right kick in the teeth I thought for him just because he happened to be good and successful at work. Dh can't see it so I have to put up with it. They only ring when they want something like free legal advice - a few nights ago for a friend who was divorcing. I could go on and on, but this is Fatback's thread!

So its not just you. I'm there with you. But take your cues from your DH. If he sees it and is upset by it, say something or limit your visits. In laws are a political minefield!!

Thats so awful and tricky to deal with it.

Thank God you dont live in the same country.

I echo the poster who said why do you have to visit the same time?

thanks everyone!

I know i will grin and bear it. DH ignores it, hell he has had to for 38 yrs so nothing new and she really is not that bad.

She does give stuff to my son but I am also aware it is a fraction of what the others get, just as ladyhelen.

I feel so sad for my husband who has said in the past, how do I get my mum to love me as much as other son. We will have lovely time and they are generous but had had a gut full and needed to blow - thanks for listening.

for your husband