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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find this wedding invite strange?

28 replies

fufflebum · 28/01/2009 07:40

I have been invited to an old school friends wedding. Which is not unusual in itself but I think rather strange in view of the fact she has only met my four year old once and never met my son who is one. Any contact has been at Xmas with a card and a birthday card but no phone or minimal email contact. In fact when I have emailed the reply has been very brief (she always has enjoyed trying to make her life sound interesting and mysterious!) Since having kids I have been less willing to tolerate trying to have a conversation during which she does not really want to talk about what she has been up to. Our lives are in quite different places.

She did come to my wedding many years ago but I wonder why have I been invited? (Well I say invited I got a random email just after Xmas and a text recently confirming the wedding dates.)

Am I unreasonable to find it a little odd? Or am I just annoyed at her lack of interest in my life? (As all mumnetters know nothing is as life changing as having kids......)

Views please!!!!

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 28/01/2009 07:43

Does it matter? Just say no.

jennybensmummy · 28/01/2009 07:44

is it not long til the wedding, my gut feeling was she sent out invites ages ago and some cant come so shes making up numbers?! sorry that sounds awful but if no proper invite and suddenly out of the blue, thats my guess anyway!

MmeLindt · 28/01/2009 07:45

Perhaps she is just being polite as you invited her to your wedding.

Do you want to be friends with her? It doesn't sound like it.

Runoutofideas · 28/01/2009 07:46

It does sound a bit odd to me although maybe she feels she ought to invite you due to having been friends since school and the fact that she came to your wedding. Maybe the fact that she tries to make her life sound mysterious is covering up something. Maybe she does not have a wide circle of close friends and a fantastic social life. She maybe finds it difficult to relate to you now due to your lives being in different places, but still considers you to be an old friend and as such has invited you to her wedding. Maybe it's a sign that she wants to be closer friends again?

piratecat · 28/01/2009 07:52

runourofideas, has good ideas there !

cory · 28/01/2009 07:53

Depends on what her wedding is like. Our wedding (organised by my Mum) was a massive affair involving not only my distant friends but old university friends of my mother's, the whole affair very much designed to take her mind off the fact that she was losing her only daughter (I was emigrating). Having said that, I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Original poster
fufflebum · 28/01/2009 08:45

The proposal was over Xmas, hence the rapid arrangements. She did not want a long engagement.

As for the mystery I agree she was trying to make her life sound more interesting etc etc.

I would also agree that we are not really 'friends' as I understand that meaning to be, that we have been 'friends' for a long time and so forth (school/worketc).

I suppose I am sad that I am expected to be excited with her life when she never appeared excited with mine??! Is that sad?

OP posts:
touareg · 28/01/2009 08:51

YABU. It is easy to lose touch, doesn't mean you can't still participate in major events.

cory · 28/01/2009 08:53

I think you're reading too much into this. Why not just go and enjoy a party?

TheFirstLiffey · 28/01/2009 08:54

in 18 months your lives could be back in the same place............

Glamorous memories of moonlit weekends in Paris count of nada when you're breastfeeding and can't even get to your local...

Accept invite. Give her another year or two before making a decision on whether to cast her adrift or not I think!

ummadam · 28/01/2009 08:55

Maybe she is keen to settle down and start a family and is starting to understand your life a bit better?

I have a group of friends from school that I keep in vague contact with most of the time - I know where they are and what they are doing but that's about it. We used to be very close and as they are getting married and settling down, one by one we are getting closer again and I suspect it will change again once more children start appearing in the group! (they used to all go clubbing while i would rather have a quiet night in with DH on our rare nights off, now it is more going out for dinner and in time I suspect it will be trips to the zoo with all the kids).

Relationships change but growing up we were as close as siblings so we are all giving each other another chance as we grow up.They all came to my wedding and I wouldn't miss any of theirs.

Lemontart · 28/01/2009 09:00

just a different style, not odd. Some people like only their closest family and friends - meaning current daily contact friends, others like to include people from all aspects of their life. A work colleague?s wedding years ago had hundreds and hundreds of people there. We sat next to a couple we didn?t know and turned out that the wife had been to primary school with the bride and had not seen her or really spoken to her since age of 11! The invite went to her mum?s house as they had lost all contact. She still came and enjoyed sharing the celebration.

Servalan · 28/01/2009 09:56

I find your reaction to her invitation more odd than the invitation itself, so personally I think YABU.

I invited people to my wedding who I'd only been in Christmas card/email contact with for a few years. It meant a few people I hadn't seen for years came to my wedding and I loved having them there. They had a great time too.

Our lives all change and move on - just because our friends may go on to live very different lives and we may not be in contact so much, doesn't negate the impact they have had on parts of our past and the way we are now. I wanted people who had been important at different times in my life to be there as I went through another important part of my life. It was also lovely to see them and catch up.

If you don't want to go then don't.

I must admit I can't see why you bother to be in any contact at all if you feel like this.

Bubbaluv · 28/01/2009 10:41

I'm not a phone person, so I would never have a "What have you been up to" type conversation with even my closest friend. Luckily for me they understand that and realise that it doesn't mean that I value them less or don't care about them or am trying to be mysterious.
Some people just consider old friends to be set in stone. Our best man was an old school friend of DH's who we had seen once a year at most for a few years and had very iregular contact with other than that, but DH considered the bond they had strong enough that this was irrelevant.
Was it that the invitation came by email that you found odd? Was the email linked to a wedding website - I have noticed this is becoming v popular recently?
I think YAB a bit U.
Why would you not just be happy for her and happy to be invited to share such a happy event with her?

gagamama · 28/01/2009 10:45

I don't really understand where you're coming from I'm afraid. I don't like droning on about my life to people but I hope people don't take that to mean I'm trying to sound 'mysterious'. I just genuinely don't like talking about myself, I'm more of a listener. I don't do anything interesting anyway and find myself getting needlessly defensive and trying to justify myself to whoever I'm talking to and I hate it.

Don't go to the wedding if you find it strange, but really I think you're overreacting. She attended your wedding and has read lengthy emails about your DCs and your life - maybe it's time to reciprocate?

shonaspurtle · 28/01/2009 10:49

I had people at my wedding who I hadn't spoken to for years. I invited my closest friends from various times in my life and it was great to catch up.

I wouldn't have expected them to travel long distances for it (although a couple did), but the invitation was in a way saying, you're still important to me, I want to celebrate this big event in my life with you and invite you to this big party I'm having.

Even though I hadn't seen them for a long time they still have more of a place in my heart than work colleagues I see every day and socialise with regularly.

She's not making you come to her wedding. Don't go if you don't fancy it.

mumeeee · 28/01/2009 10:52

YABU. DD1 is getting married in March and she has invited a couple of old school friends. They were her best friends at school and just wants them to be part of her wedding.

Original poster
fufflebum · 28/01/2009 11:07

Thanks everyone. It is useful to hear others points of view.

I am a bit shocked at the degree of honesty with some of you (based on the fact you don't know the whole situation!)

However that said I was asking for honest opinions!!!!!!

OP posts:
MrsTittleMouse · 28/01/2009 11:14

I am rubbish at keeping in touch and by moving around a lot have completely lost touch with some of them. But I still think that they're lovely people and would be thrilled to go to their wedding.

Bubbaluv · 28/01/2009 11:16

Fuffle, are you new to MN?
No one has sworn at you or called you nasty names, so I can't see what you are shocked at given that you posted in AIBU.
Honesty is what you get here, and some people are honestly horrible
If there is more to the situation, though, people may be able to give you more relevant answers if you tell us about it?

MmeLindt · 28/01/2009 11:23

Fufflebum
You might not know, but on AIBU topics it tends to be a bit no-holds-barred. The responses are always honest, sometimes brutally honest. I don't see that anyone was unkind though. And we can only judge on the information that you give us.

If you are new to MN then try posting on other topics until you find your feet.

And have a look at the "what should we tell newbies" thread

Original poster
fufflebum · 28/01/2009 11:43

thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

Following posts I have re thought and I ABU.
A jolt I needed!

Perhaps I should just ring her and stop stewing about it!

OP posts:
Pingping · 28/01/2009 13:24

YABU its not odd If you post cards etc to each other maybe she felt the need to invite you since it had been mentioned to you

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/01/2009 13:35

i think you should go

i invited friends to my wedding who i hadnt seen for over 2years as they moved away, but was fab to see them again

im not a mummy but still see friends who are, yes we talk about their children, then talk about complete crap for next few houts we are together

do you want to go?

cory · 28/01/2009 13:38

About not knowing the whole situation- if you post on a forum, people will have to make their minds up from what you choose to tell them. You can't expect them to be mindreaders and take into consideration information that is not there in the OP.

I'd ring her and have a nice time!