to be annoyed at DP going out without me?

[CherryChoc]

If it was just that I would think I was being unreasonable, but he texted me 2 hours ago (didn't pick up as was relaxing as DS-4m was asleep) and so he comes home announcing "Steve's picking me up in about an hour we are going for a drink"
What about DS? I said, you're looking after him, was his reply.

Grr. So we had a bit of a chat about parental responsibility and how it wasn't fair that he was allowed to be spontaneous when I can't be. He disagrees as I chose to breastfeed, not giving him the option of bottlefeeding.

His argument is he deserves a break because he works long hours (he does work very hard) and he thinks I just go to baby groups and sit around on the computer all day because I barely manage to keep the house clean & tidy. I get upset because he doesn't seem to want any part in the not so nice aspects of parenting - he's never got up in the night, has changed about 2 or 3 pooey nappies since DS was born and now it turns out he doesn't want to give up his spontenaiety either.

So AIBU?

No your not, I have this same conversation sometimes my dh can organise a night out just like that but for us mums its a miltary operation

If he reckons you don't do anything...DO IT!!!
I bet he'll change his tune when there's no washing done, no dinner ready and you can't find the floor for dust!!

I dont think the drink is the issue. The more important stuff is his lack of involvement with DS. Tonight, sit down, and in point form write a note regarding what you want out of him as a parent. Then what you are prepared to do. Then move towards expressing so you can have an evening out aswell.

Some blokes respond much better to a request that is to the point and clear - think your bloke may be one of them. Good Luck!

Oh Yeah and make sure he sits down and reads it properly.

Haha PersonalClown, I am not the most domestically minded I will admit and I don't get as much done around the house as I should - so I don't know whether he would notice because he is used to his mum being superwoman and doing literally everything perfectly all the time.

PlumBum I think I'm just feeling left out because I used to arrange nights out at the drop of a hat when I was single! What really annoyed me in fact was I said well why can't I come with DS, a car seats 5, he said no Steve is bringing another mate now, you should have replied to my text inviting you. Bloody liar, he never invited me, he wouldn't have thought of it!

But it's the age-old argument innit? Men think SAHMs get an easy ride pootling around coffee shops and hanging out with their mates all day. They have no idea how draining and emotionally exhausting it actually is.

I'm sure my DH still has no idea of what I went through in the first two years of having two dcs close together!

My only suggestion is that once you have stopped bf-ing you leave your ds with him for a weekend. As it is so easy he'll breeze through no probs.

Yeah right...

Why can't you be spontaneous?
Why can't you text him and tell him you are going out, or tell him when he comes home?

izyboy I am working on his lack of involvement. Direct approaches don't usually work, I have to be sneaky. I have managed to get him to be involved with the nice parts and am working on the nasty.

What pisses me off is he was the one who persuaded me to get pregnant as I wanted to wait a bit - he promised me he'd cope with the lack of sleep, lack of sex and pooey nappies and so far he hasn't delivered on any - apart from working his arse off which to his credit he does.

Sorry to swear. Just need a moan I think. I told him he might as well go out anyway because I didn't want him sitting around moody!

Short answer I know but... express and tell him you are going out.
And definitely YANBU re the nappies. You take care of one end, he should take some responsibility for the other! At night, I feed, dh does the nappies.

Although if you do want him to get involved more, feed the baby, then hand him straight to dh and say he needs changed etc, I'm off to have a bath or whatever you want to do nip to your friends for an hour ds surely won't need fed in that space of time.

To be far on my dh, I did go out to mother and tod xmas do, and left him with dc2 who was also breast fed but who decided to scream place down and refuse a bottle my dh spoon fed him the expressed milk but to this day 5yrs later says it was the worst night of his life

so with dc3 he made sure she took a little expressed milk once aweek so it wouldn't happen again

If you wait for him to offer you will be in the house for ever. Men dont seem to understand that they can do stuff without permission. So smile sweetly, tell him to have a nice time and then book some time off for yourself. It might just be an hour after you have fed ds or if you can express or dont mind giving the odd formula feed go out for the evening. Tell him its his turn to get up with ds, take it in turns on the nights he isnt working.

YABU to expect him to offer you time to yourself or to expect him to not have any fun just because you are not going out, YANBU to tell him you are having some time for you.

CherryChoc, welcome to the world of brownie points .

Sometimes (whispers) it's actually a good thing to let the dh go out and let his hair down for an evening. It takes a lot of give and take with dcs, it's one of the hardest things to balance. DH and I still nit-pick on whose 'turn' it is to look after the girls, although it's defo getting easier! Personal space and freedom is a luxury that you never realise you have before children.

Also, he won't have a leg to stand on when you decide it's YOUR turn. If you say no now, you are going to hit problems later on when you feel you are entitled to some 'girly time' with your friends. He'll feel resentful and wonder why you should go out when he wasn't 'allowed.'

So good on you for letting him - and get a date in your diary for a couple of hours out with some of your mates soon!

And I hate to say it, but male bonding time will not be the same with dw and the baby in tow!

Oh I don't want him not to have fun, I just think I ought to have some warning if he's to decide to go out for the night - actually I have calmed down a lot now because we agreed he will give me 24h notice if he wants to go out (or make sure I have the option of coming too) and he has also offered to take me out for dinner next week so that we can spend some time together that isn't in front of the telly ignoring each other.

PlumBum I like that idea

cat64 I can see what you are saying but I didn't choose to breastfeed because I wanted DP to feel left out, I chose it for health, financial and practical reasons. I could express though to be fair, I just think he's obsessed with my breastfeeding and jealous of it.

Mooseheart he wasn't just going out with Steve, but Steve and his gf! Not exactly male bonding! (And TBH I don't get on with her that well but I would have liked to have been thought of)

I would be soooooo tempted to go out and buy HIM a breast pump - start expressing and say, here you are dear, i got the impression you were feeling left out - you can do the night feeds!! Sponteneity here we come - personally ive been too knackered for sponteneity of any kind, but there will be no excuses - go for it.

Totally understand how you feel - my DP is getting frustrated with me of late because after a day with DD, even if that day has involved lunch at a friend, time in the coffee shop with DD and a stroll along the beach, i am, as someone has pointed out, emotionally exhausted and I NEED some headspace, so if DD not in bed til late (a common occurance in this house) and i get tetchy he makes sarcastic comments - he should be careful, one day he might end up with his eyeballs getting boiled!

Oh sorry CherryChoc - I didn't realise that! I thought he was just going out with the lads!

cat64, damned right thats unpopular, why on earth would a mother BF to make a man feel left out? There is absolutely NO reason why a man should feel left out, there are PLENTY of other things for him to do, and then there are those miracles of modern technology - breast pumps, fecking amazing!

Lucyellensmummy boiling eyeballs

Yes, you are right the dad is limited to how much responsibility he can share for feeding. AND your point is? Actually, not having a go at you here but sort of directing this comment to the OPs DP. His OP decided to BF because it is BY FAR better for baby. He feels left out? Poor wee thing . HIS argument towards her need to feel less tied was that she CHOSE to BF so its tough! That HE wasn't given the option to feed - i wasn't aware that being a parent was about picking and choosing jobs to do. In our house we shared it all, the nappies (made a point of MAKING him do it, although he is squemish and more often and not id do it because i didnt mind), the pacing, the feeding - i BF, but i expressed and then due to health reasons mixed fed. He did not feel left out AT ALL for not having to be the one getting up three times a night, nup, i don't think he ever vocalised that one to me "babe, im really sad that i don't have to wake up to the baby all night!".

You didn't say that the OP BF or anyone BF to deliberately leave their partner out, but in the OP she says this "Grr. So we had a bit of a chat about parental responsibility and how it wasn't fair that he was allowed to be spontaneous when I can't be. He disagrees as I chose to breastfeed, not giving him the option of bottlefeeding. " You then said, that he had a point - i was merely responding to that and i have to say i did sort of deliberately misinterpret your meaning - was feeling naughty, sorry if i offended you though, you did give good advice actually. I really don't think it has to be a problem though, a GOOD breast pump makes expressing a piece of cake, so it is possible to include the man, but i don't really think its necessary as there are many other ways men can bond with their babies. , next thing you will be telling me that men feel left out because they can't give birth . I do wonder if some men feel jealous of us carrying the baby, but how many would do it if they couldnt

or even if they could!