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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want DH to get a vasectomy?

24 replies

kizzib · 27/01/2009 17:12

I have one dd and don't want anymore due to numerous things including debt, rocky relationship, bad pregnancy and birth, depression, house size etc

been taking contraception for 13 years now.

want dh to get a vasectomy cos I don't want anymore.

He has refused. Says I'm the one who doesn't want another so it's my responsibility. Makes me think he wants another with another iykwim cos I am adament I don't want anymore.

AIBU to think he is being utterly selfish? Contraception etc shouldn't be just my responsibility. It's his turn now.

He doesn't want anyone fiddling with his bits.

OP posts:

beanieb · 27/01/2009 17:14

Could you get sterilised? Or is it a much more invasive operation?

My Sister's sister in law finally persuaded her husband to have it done by convincing him it wasn't a major op. Unfortunately he got a really bad infection and was laid up for weeks!

YANBU so long as you've had a full discussion with him about why.

compo · 27/01/2009 17:14

maybe he wants aother with you though? that doesn't make him 'utterly selfish', just sad I guess

LuckySalem · 27/01/2009 17:15

I'm afraid I agree with your DH - How old are you both (if you dont mind me asking)

Also you say "rocky relationship" if you think you may end up splitting up then asking him to be "done" before that is not nice as it means that if you broke up and he met someone else he couldn't have kids with them - not that i'm saying it would happen.

I do agree that contraception should not be just YOUR problem but asking him to get a vasectomy is OTT.

dmo · 27/01/2009 17:16

he is just scared, it is a big thing

i have the rod inplant which lasts 3yrs we have promised that i will have the inplant twice then hopefully there will be something on the market for men

pagwatch · 27/01/2009 17:16

He isn't being 'utterly selfish' - anymore than you are by saying you don't want anymore children.

Contraception is joint responsibility of course but as vasectomy is permanent ( although I know it is reversible) I think that is a lot to ask of a man who wants more children.

theresonlyme · 27/01/2009 17:17

I actually think if your relationship is rocky maybe you should be splitting up not asking him to have an op. Or, you get sterlised as you are the one who is adamant you don't want another child.

tinseltot · 27/01/2009 17:19

You have admitted in your original post that you are in a 'rocky relationship'. With this in mind, it is, Imo, rather unfair of you to expect Dh to take permanent action to curtail his opportunity of ever having another child with anyone.

If you break up there is every chance that he will want another child with someone else. He may have acknowledged this fact. Perhaps you should too.

Sorry if this seems harsh. Imo you and dh would be better using condoms in a situation where the relationship may not last.

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 27/01/2009 17:20

It's a big thing (the snip I mean, I'm not being forward ) and if it's not 100% what he wants, then he shouldn't be put under pressure.

If you want him to take a turn with contraception - switch to condoms. But you can't try to force someone to give up their fertility. I see where you are coming from, I do, but it's just not something you can make someone do.

readyfornumber2 · 27/01/2009 17:41

DP and I discussed him having the snip as I am now pg with number2 and we have agreed that it would be a bad idea to have anymore in these financial times (plus both pg have been a bit umplanned) but he said he wouldnt like it to be made a permanent thing and to be honest I wouldnt want to be sterilised either.
We also said if the worst happened and we ever split up you never know what the future holds (we have no plans to split )

You say that the relationship is rocky so I can understand him not wanting his options taken away and dont think that is selfish at all.

How would you feel if he asked you to get steralised and then called you selfish when you said no?

Contarception is a joint responsibility

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 27/01/2009 17:56

Think YABU

I'm pregnant with no3 and dh has agreed (at present) to have the big V when this one has arrived. He may change his mind but he knows what hell pregnancy is for me and after 3, we agree that our family is complete.

It sounds to me that he is still hopeful of more children, reluctant to burn his boats (with a rocky relationship), or not keen on the whole operation side of things.

As for the 'it's reversible' arguement not all are not sure of percentages but for many men once done, it's done.

I think you ned to have a much longer chat as too his reasons and if he's still not convinced consider sterilisation for yourself. Taking away his fertility is alot to ask if he's not ready...

noonki · 27/01/2009 17:56

My DH wants the snip after the next DC he will then have 4 and feels that is more than enough.

But I always think, what if something happens to me, I die, he then meets the most perfect stepmother/new wife who would be with him but really wants her own child.

Sounds far fetched I know but is actually what happened with my grandparents, and though it wasn't a vacetomy but fertility issues that prevented them having a child together it is still something that upsets them to this day (and they are both 90).

So if he isnt comfortable with it, it would be very wrong. If it were the otherway round it sound barbaric to me. (I may want another child my DH wants me to have my tubes tied)

FairLadyRantALot · 27/01/2009 18:03

Hmm, I do thing YABU, sorry!
I don't think he necessarily wants a child with another.He just doesn't want to make such a permanent deision and isn't comfortable with the idea.
And you say you are in a rocky relationship...so, I don't think it would be a good time to make such permanent decision.

However, of course the snip is a far easier procedure compared to a female sterilisation. And I believe being sterilised can have more of an impact on women, than the snip has on the man.

Saying that, my dh has had a vasectomy last year, but we have 3 children and he has no desire to have more (even should we split up) and I had lots of problems with teh contraception....

Original poster

kizzib · 27/01/2009 18:18

our relationship has been rocky due to the lack of support I got when dd was born. Things are getting better now as I had it out with him and he has been making an effort but having another baby would set us back.

OP posts:

LoveMyGirls · 27/01/2009 18:22

I would like dp to have one too but he won't and we're still young (27), we've got 2 children and both agree we don't want more but it's his decision.

Original poster

kizzib · 27/01/2009 18:22

we've had scares with condoms. I'm not against sterilisation but why should it be me? He says he loves me and wants to grow old with me, but the whole vasectomy refusal thing makes me think he doesn't mean that. My parents agree I shouldn't have any more, they have seen how the last pregnancy/birth affected me and it really hurts that DH doesn't support me or understand like they do.

OP posts:

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 27/01/2009 18:39

your parents are not impartial, they don't understand your dh's reasons they can't as he doesn't seem to have discussed it fully with you.

For some men they're may be an emotional /masculine issue as well, for whatever reason you can not force him into this situation no matter how much you believe he should.

It may be in this case you'll have to be the bigger person and do what is required, but i still believe a frank and honest discussion as to what is holding him back would be a good place to start ( not a why won't you do it nag )

theresonlyme · 27/01/2009 18:48

You say why should it be you, but why should it be him?

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 27/01/2009 19:13

"why should it be me"

Because it's you who does not want more children and who wants a permanant solution.

Because it's you who thinks sterilisation is the way forward.

Because it's you who thinks it's a good idea and is pushing for it.

So you should put your money where your mouth is and be the one to do it.

I don't think it's fair to say "I don't want more kids, sterilisation is the only option, you go and lop your bits out on the operating table because I don't see why it should be me."

He does not want to do it - and you have to respect his decision..it's his body at the end of the day!

Your choices are -
use contraception
get yourself sterilised
refuse to have sex with him any more

TheFallenMadonna · 27/01/2009 19:30

Well, I think my DH should have a vasectomy, but that's because he doesn't want any more.

I agree that contraception isn't just his responsibility, but this isn't contraception, it's sterilisation, which is a whole other ball game (no pun intended).

If you want him to take responsibility for contraception then he should wear a condom.

Leo9 · 27/01/2009 20:08

I totally support that men who have completed their family should have the snip rather than put a woman (who has already done the childbearing bit) through surgery that's much more major than a vasectomy.

However I do think it has to be a joint decision because it is (possibly) irreversible and lifelong and it has to be right for you both.

I think you probably need to do huge amounts more communicating on this issue because his comments about it being you who doesn't want another certainly make it sound like he might hope that you change your mind eventually.

FairLadyRantALot · 27/01/2009 20:22

kizzib...you mention in the OP that you have taken contraceptive for 13 years, which makes me wonder about your age...i.e. are you and your dh younger?
Because, you never know if you may change your mind...especially as maybe your dd is maybe quite young still....
I am not saying you will...but it is kinda a decision that you have to be pretty sure about....

lilac21 · 27/01/2009 23:52

I was sterilised almost three years ago, it wasn't a major op. I had an epidural rather than general as I wanted a clear head, and went back to work the next day (admittedly this was a bit over the top but I was working in an independent school and they wouldn't pay me because my absence wasn't unavoidable). Bit sore and bloated for a day or two but otherwise no problems at all. Not as effective as male sterilisation apparently, and the only way to find out it's failed is when you see that blue line...

nappyzonehasastroppytoddler · 28/01/2009 18:30

lilac really under a epidural - i am wanting the rocedure but worried about being knocked out - didnt realise it was an option - also is it really less effective - i though more as its instant where as vasect is after so many ejaculations ......

nappyzonehasastroppytoddler · 28/01/2009 18:30

procedure sorry.

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