to choose who I spend my holidays with?

[fruitstick]

I think I am being a little bit unreasonable but I also think DH is too and I feel a little bit bullied.

A bit of a long story.

DH goes away most years to a sporting event with his friends where they camp for a about 5 days.

A friend of ours has a house near to the venue and this year we will have a new baby so I suggested renting their house with another couple (who are having a baby at the same time) for a fortnight and making it our summer holiday. That way, DH and his mate could go off to the event, leaving us in the house with the children for a day or 2. Everyone is happy.

However, Dh also usually goes with his brother and has also invited him and his girlfriend to join us for a week. Initially he asked me what I thought and I said that they are not people I would choose to go on holiday with as I have absolutely nothing in common with his girlfriend and find it very difficult to make conversation with her. I would be happy for them to come for the weekend so he could go with his brother but a week in their company would be too long!

However, it would appear that this was the wrong answer as DH had already invited them ages ago and now feels he can't withdraw the invitation.

Cue lots of shouting with me basically saying I am being unpleasant and unreasonable, that I've hijacked his holiday and we may as well not go at all if I won't let his brother come for the week. Is threatening to cancel the whole thing.

I think he knows that he's cocked up by inviting them without asking me first and is trying to deflect the blame!

I can be a snotty cow at times and I hold my hands up to that but it is my holiday too and he knows I don't particularly get on with this person (it's nothing personal, he's just not my type). I feel he has trapped me into the situation by agreeing to one thing (a holiday with our friends) and then changing the plans without telling me.

AIBU to be annoyed that DH is blaming me for the situation?
What do we do now?

YANBU. Your DH should have asked you first before inviting his brother. You have compromised and suggested a weekend. Call his bluff and suggest that you cancel the whole holiday including the sporting event. With a new baby say that you should be holidaying just as a family and that you will require all the support he can give.

Is the girlfriend also going to the sporting event?
I would compromise and only go for a week, then your dh and his brother will be at the sporting event most of the time.

TBH, if he is away most of the time, it doesn't sound like much of a family holiday.

The problem is we have to rent the house for 2 weeks due to changeover days (Saturday) clashing with the event. And also I want to go for 2 weeks as packing up 2 kids to go on holiday is hard enough so we may as well make the most of it. He will be supportive the rest of the time and I'm hoping he and his friend can get into some kind of 'who can be the best husband/Dad' oneupmanship

So DH would be out for 2 days in the middle of the 14, which I am fine with. I think the girlfriend would go to the event with them but I'm not sure.

In the past, his brother's friend has gone so this is the first time his girlfriend has come into the equation. I just assumed that BIL and his mate would drive down as normal and maybe stay in the house the night before and the night after iyswim.

I can't see them enjoying it tbh, it's a quiet farmhouse in the middle of nowhere and they tend to be the big resort, big night out kind.

"I'm hoping he and his friend can get into some kind of 'who can be the best husband/Dad' oneupmanship"

Oooh! sounds like a dangerous plan! What if it turns into a "the girls can help each other - lets go drink beer" kind of a thing?

Do you know the girlfriend very well? Maybe this could be a chance to get to know her better? Is she likely to turn into a SIL? At the very least, does she like children? Would she be happy to help with the kids?

YANBU - I would hate this.

If it was me I'd lay down an ultimatum - either you all go as a family for a family holiday for 2 weeks with the brother coming for the weekend as you have very reasonably suggested or you don't go at all and that would include your DH.

Failing that is there someone you could invite that your DH isn't keen on? A friend, your mum??

i completely see where you are coming from - nothing worse than having to hang out with people when you don't want to. but if dh usually goes with his brother wouldn't your plan otherwise leave brother in the lurch?

i suggest a compromise on a shorter visit on the basis of space or something

you never know he might come over all uncley with new girlfriend to impress, and help out with the kids

I would be livid if DH organised this kind of thing behind my back and then "asked" me whether it was OK, knowing that he couldn't back down. I'm not sure that there is much that can be done about it this time, but I would negotiate that this does not happen ever again, plus that you will get first dibs on something that is important to you as recompense.

I didn't think it would leave his brother in the lurch as he usually goes with his friend, which I assumed he still would (I think if anything his friend is now left in the lurch!).

He has being seeing his girlfriend for a long time but she is much younger. To be honest my DS loves her so I can't complain about that.

My husband does this all the time - he promises too many things to too many people because he doesn't want to upset anyone, and ends up upsetting everyone ..... usually me.

I've tried compromising on a shorter visit but DH says it's not fair to invite friends for the week and say his brother can only come for a short time.

I must add that I don't know DHs friend very well either, and have only met his wife twice but was willing to go along with because she seems very nice and we will have lots of baby things to talk about

How do your friends feel about holidaying with people that they dont know .

DH friend knows BIL as they went away together last year but his wife has never met his girlfriend.

It's a little further complicated as DH also mentioned that his friend could possibly invite his cousin and his wife - but there's not enough room to sleep everyone so if BIL comes DH's friend is going to have to uninvite his cousin.

My DH should NEVER be allowed to organise things! He gets over excited and it all goes wrong.

It's always awkward when men want to carry on with their traditional trips (I speak as another sporting widow), but your DH has to stop and remember that his family come first.

I would go ahead with you plan to have a two-week holiday with the other family. Presume you will split the rent etc? Tell BIL and girlfriend they are welcome to stay at your holiday home for the duration of the event ONLY. Hopefully they'll want to push off somewhere else or go straight home.
Is the friend's cousin going to sporting event? If not they could come for the other week.

TBH though, sharing with other families can be a complete minefield and is best avoided, so I'd be inclined to let the boys have their jolly, and have your family holiday another time.

Ah, I have managed to contradict myself! Either make it work on your terms or walk away.

Thank you everyone. Glad to see I'm not being ridiculous.

Only trouble is DH is refusing the weekend option of as a compromise, saying that I am completely unreasonable to not want them to come for the week.

So I guess I'll just have to hope that they change their minds about wanting to come for that long.

I think you are being unreasonable. You dont have to like someone to get on with them. I think you are being as you say "snotty".

YANBU at all. We went on holiday last year with great friends of ours, and it only just about worked although I have to say the children had a ball and loved having other littluns around.

Sharing a property means a great encroachment of space and it can be difficult when people have different ways of doing things, and adding a childless couple into the mix is just adding for trouble.

Sorry not to be any help as it looks like your DH has already agreed it.

Has dh's friend and wife agreed to this? How big is the place you are renting? If BIL is coming fo a week are you splittng that week 3 ways cost wise?

If I was dh's friend's wife I would not be pleased about going on holday with this amount of relatively unknown/totally unknown people

I don't know whether she knows .

This is my DH arranging the holiday he wants and it not even occurring to him that other people might have their own ideas. I'm not sure whether her DH is any different.

Especially as this will be her first holiday with a new baby.

How old will the babies be? I would be highly if I had to breastfeed a tiny baby in front of a stranger (not so bad when established, but even then some babies aren't discrete and some women are a bit shy). Deary me, your DH is a bit of a loon, isn't he?

How many bedrooms will you have ?

The house is big so there will be plenty of space. There's 3 double bedrooms and 2 reception rooms plus separate kitchen so that doesn't bother me really.

The babies will be 4 months so she may well still be breastfeeding but hopefully would have become a little more confident. I didn't even think of that - by that stage with DS I'd get them out in front of anyone

Oh I have thought about how to put them off. When you next see BIL and girlfriend say how pleased you are that they are going on holiday with you. Say that it wouldn't be everyone that would be prepared to share a house with two new babies what with them waking up 3 times a night and making all that noise. Say how grateful you are that they will be there to help with the nappy changing and mucking in and how glad you will be of the rest.

rookie that is a good plan - thank you.

Had another discussion last night and DH seems far less belligerent about it now that he has had some time to think about it.

He is going to talk to his brother and suggest a shorter stay, or tactfully suggest that they use it as a base to explore the environs (i.e. not hang around the house all the the time commenting on how time consuming babies are)

And I'm going to insist they do a few early morning stints.