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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to stick up for myself and my family for a change? bit long but bear with me

11 replies

PlumBumMum · 25/01/2009 16:28

Really would like opinions as in RL all my friends tell me I'm doing the right thing!

All my life my father has had a bad temper, or moody, would throw tantrums most of which aimed at my brother

I grew up ignoring his tantrums and wishing my brother would stop doing and saying things to start him off.

At my graduation he threw a tantrum because the camera wouldn't work (infront of my friend and her family) and basically blamed my mother, who the spent £70 on prof photos in which he has a big huffy face!

At my wedding he threw a tantrum with the video guy

When dd1 was born he threw a tantrum at my mum in delivery ward in front of my MIL

When ds was getting christened I knew he was in bad mood but I just ignored him
Have found out since he was v anoyed because I did not ask my brother to be a god parent

There are a number of things he has done over the past years to embarrass or upset me but the final straw came when dd2 was born

We could not think of a name and my mother suggested a name, which I then told my dh, who then added his mums name as a second
(which go beautifully together)

My mum and dad came to hosp I told them the name and he started huffing and puffing he didn't like the 2nd name, why had we not called her after my mum!
He left the hosp and I burst into tears determined he was not going to spoil another family occassion

I told my mother I would not be back in their house until he apologised and neither would the kids
He told my mother I was not to ring or come near their house
He refused to apologise and says he has done nothing wrong, he says I'm evil and cruel for stopping him from seeing his grandchildren

I have never stopped him from coming to my house my dh actually invited him as I'm heart broken but he refused

2years later I am very angry and my relationship with my mother is going down hill because she refuses to stand up to him

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HecateQueenOfGhosts · 25/01/2009 16:34

Stick to your guns. He sounds like a manipulative bully. Clearly his bullying has got him his own way his entire life. It's about time someone stood their ground. Good for you!

BouncingTartan · 25/01/2009 16:42

and for you, Hecate is right, he is a bully!

Can you arrange to meet your mum at a neutral location, so she can see you and your dds? It's not fair on you or her that your father could stop her from seeing you.
But don't give in, he is very much in the wrong. And I'll be brutally honest and say that I wouldn't want such a person around my children... what if he starts bullying them?

PlumBumMum · 25/01/2009 16:42

Thankyou hecate my dh says this, I've never stood up to him before as I knew this would probably be the out come your either with him or against him

He even made my mum promise not babysit for me unless it was in their house

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cheshirekitty · 25/01/2009 16:42

He is a bully. He has got away with this for years. Good for you for standing up for yourself.

PlumBumMum · 25/01/2009 16:44

Bouncing tartan she comes to visit once a week for 20mins because she has't to be home to make his lunch
She has him spoilt

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theresonlyme · 25/01/2009 16:46

Maybe she feels she has no choice. If she didn't go and make his food what would he do to her?

PlumBumMum · 25/01/2009 16:52

No hes never been violent but is very sulky man

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smudgethepuppydog · 25/01/2009 16:54

I agree. Maybe she stays becaus ethat's all she knows and it's easier than leaving him? I doubt she's happy in the relationship though, I know my MIL only stays with my FIL because she feels to scared to leave, not scared of what he'd do but scared of how she'd cope.

It's your mum I feel sorry for, she must feel like piggy-in-the-middle but you are right to stand up to him. He is a bully who is used to getting his own way and he has done his very best to destroy everyone around him.

He has an invitation to your house and he does most defintely owe you an apology.

nickschick · 25/01/2009 16:55

In a way I think your mum goes with his moods cos thats how she can cope with him, to start changing things now could be very harsh its almost better the devil you know.

I think you are right in what you say about your dad but its going to get harder as your dc get older.

nomoreamover · 25/01/2009 16:59

Your poor mum! And no stick to your guns - I agree with the other bully comments

PlumBumMum · 25/01/2009 17:01

Yeap your right nickschick she has said as much
I do feel bad for her concerning dc's but I had already warned her that he was not behve like he does infront of my kids as I remember how I used to feel

And if I told him off for something inappropriate he would tell her afterwards how does she think she is telling me not to do that in my house

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