to tell this lady face-to-face that I'm unhappy with all her (inaccurate) references to when we used to work together?

[onthepier]

Basically, I used to work with this lady around 10 years ago in an office + we also went on a business trip together.

We were short-staffed + always under a lot of pressure, + myself, her + one other lady had responsibility for training new staff.

She comes over lovely, + I was pleased when it came about that we'd be working together back then. She's extremely patient with people, + is a real "would do anything for anybody type of person".

She recently turned up at the workplace I'm in now, (not full-time, she's been taken on as Relief Staff, covering when people are sick.

She's very friendly to me, but keeps making comments about when we used to work together.
She's mentioned that "I was so laid back she's surprised I didn't fall off my chair", she keeps referring to that business trip saying, "God, I still remember that week, waiting around for you every morning before the conference, you almost made me run late every morning!", + to cap it all, we have early + late shifts, recently I've been doing a lot of early ones, (7 am ish!), but if we're all talking rotas she'll say, "Well I know "ON THE PIER" would never get here for 7.30/8 am, I have experience!!

Now I'd be the first to agree with her if any of this were true, but 10 years ago our hours were 9 - 5, + I don't remember ever being in the office after 8.45 + when we had new recruits it wasn't unusual for me to still be in the office at 7/7.30 pm, plus taking work home at weekends while she + the other colleage were both off sick! In fact I was heavily pregnant at the time, + my midwife was very worried about my stress levels, hence my anger at my "laid-backness"!

As for the business trip, I just don't remember being late at all in the mornings, she always knocked on my door half an hour before we said we'd meet, (I thought it was because she wanted to chat!) + did wonder why she came in so early!

She's a difficult person to read, on the face of it she hates confrontation + gets on with everybody, so I'm unsure about saying directly to her that I'm unhappy with all these comments. (She says them in a light-hearted, jokey manner by the way), + even my colleagues are saying they just don't recognise the person she's describing!
This is all pretty embarrassing, made worse by the fact that I don't understand where it's all come from!

Is she mixing you up with someone else? Try asking her that.

Can you just say "Thats not how I remember it at all ..I think you must be mixing me up with somebody else"?

I would take her aside too and just say what you've told us.

I'd take her to one side and tell her you are unhappy with her comments. You don't feel they are true and would appreciate that she stop making unhelpful comments in front of your permanent work colleagues. Don't go into excuses that you were pregnant and stressed. She's obviously got issues (unresolved!) and is trying to belittle you and it's working!

If she continues, ignore.

Do you think that by being "jokey" that she might be trying to make out that she knows you better than she actually does? To try to fit in?

Or do you think she is trying to make you look bad, and therefore put herself in a positive light?

Thanks for your replies. It's not possible that she's mixed me up with someone else, as she refers to me in lots of conversations, for example, "You used to live near there, didn't you?", and remembers that my dd was born in the same week as her daughter's baby, (she's a lot older than me, this lady, about my mum's age)!

I will use that line though in front of the others, "Have you mixed me up with someone?", + will try to appear distant when she talks to me, as if I don't feel I know her well. After all it must be at least 8 years since I last ran into her before she joined our work!

I'm going to have to talk to her one-to-one, as I feel she's unnecessarily making me look bad in front of my colleauges who (I think!) respect me. In fact, if any supervisors are looking for someone reliable to carry out a task, they tend to ask me, so it's a shock to hear myself described as this woman is describing me!

I think you perhaps need to take her aside.

On a very different level, YEARS ago I went backpacking with a woman whom I worked with and got on well enough with, but she had a REAL issue with my age (I'm 4-5 years older than her, we were 27 and 31/2 ish at the time). We eventually 'had it out' 3 weeks into a 6 week trip when I said to her, in a Dublin pub in front of the people she was once again, 'joking about' how much OLDER I was than her (I have MUCH better skin tho', as she's an Ozzie!), 'Look, A, seriously, you've found it important and necessary to bring up my age to just about everyone we've met on this trip. Do you really have a problem with it? I don't! Sure as eggs is eggs, in 4 years time, YOU'LL be 31! Or are you scared of ageing, yourself? Whatever, but I think you'll find it really IS getting boring!". Which shut her up!

I don't recommend you necessarily tackle her publicly but you might have to!

I currently have a colleague who does the old "Ah, you're STILL here?" when she walks into the tearoom routine, implying you're slacking- I now say- "I have to keep checking on how often YOU'RE ducking in and out of here!".

Good luck but DO tackle it. She might shut up once you realise that she MIGHT be made to look like a liar if she persists!

She sounds just a leetle bit passive-aggressive to me. I would nip it in the bud ASAP by making it clear that you won't stand for her comments!

i would ignore it, if youre collegues dont recognise the collegue shes talking about it doesnt matter does it i would just make the winding loco gesture when shes said something when she leaves th eroom

If it bugs you start "remembering" odd things about her , which she'll deny then you can say "oh I must have been mistaken it was actually x. How odd, funny how things get confused over time... just like you saying...."

oooh this annoys me. Every time I get into work before 8am (and it happens every now and again, probably every fortnight) some joker acts really surprised. First time, fine. Second time, fine. Third time, come on - surely you've seen it happen by now!

sorry, I realise this is
a) different and
b) about me!
it just seems similar if this woman is doing ti as a joke, and you don't want to say anything because it is, of course, a joke uurgh. if she is doing it to undermine you then she deserves telling in front of others. Maybe ask her if her memory is quite what it used to be? Or jump in first with a story of how you'll have to arrange a time very firmly as she has a reputation for turning up early, e.g that business trip.

I like those tips, thanks, StealthPo!

This lady sounds like a passive agressive sniper. Unfortunately to stop her you are going to have to say something every single time she says something. Fortunately I wouldn't advocate a confrontational approach. So when she mentions about you running late, just say nicely and politely "I don't remember that I was ever late, are you sure that is correct" etc etc every time she makes an incorrect remark.If she gets pulled up every time she does this, pretty soon she will get bored and move on to someone else.

Good book to buy called " Dealing with people you can't stand" gives lots of great ways to handle unpleasant behaviour.

Thank you, I'm realising now that she isn't actually the lovely, kind person I felt I knew when we first worked together! Underneath all that is somebody quite vindictive. I will have a look for that book.

Could you make a joke about you remembering her knocking on your door half an hour before the agreed time... "I always thought you were trying to see me in my underwear, or that you just couldn't tell the time!"

Turn it round on to her.

"Oh My Goodness , yes, I remember, I used to pray that you wouldn't bother me so unecessarily early each morning on that course but no, there you were each morning, knock knock knocking on my door."